Procrastination At Its Best

Selfie of my Procrastination
Selfie of my Procrastination

Have you ever been given a task you need to get done but just can’t seem to wrap your head around what or how you want to complete it?

I’m sitting here with a PowerPoint presentation open for the last 5 hours, writing one sentence at a time, deleting it and looking at the stats to back up what I’m trying to say. This is procrastination at its best. I know I need to complete this presentation before Friday and get it to my boss. But I just can’t seem to wrap my head around what I want to say in it. Should we keep the product? Should be get rid of it all together? Or maybe we replace it with a cost-effective product….

I just don’t know how to put my story on the page and get my point across (for once). Gathering the numbers wasn’t hard. Investigating the facts was an ease. Getting all the facts together was a cinch. But now, putting it all together, aligning it up to make a point and prove that we are paying too much for a service that isn’t exhausted, is quite difficult.

This is probably one of those times I resent dropping out of college and not completing those business courses I had enrolled in. This is one of those times I resent not taking one-off courses to expand on my writing skills. This is one of those times I resent not having enough business smarts for. Although, I can ask colleagues to proof-read my work and give advice, it’s not enough to get this presentation done.

I’ve gone through the deck over and over. I’ve examined the numbers but every time I open the presentation to begin writing, I remember I should probably complete this other task first or respond to this email. Why am I procrastinating? I am good at what I do. I am capable enough. I understand most things I work on and support. So why the procrastination? Is it the procrastination or the need to impress my boss that has me twirling my thumbs?

Any pointers  you can give me to get me through this period of procrastination? I could really use some advice.

Upcoming: Fall/Winter Content

Working for a media company has taught me many things. One of those things is that planning out your content is a strategic way of ensuring your readers find what they are looking for. As a writer, I have always just written what I’ve felt like writing at the moment I opened my WP app or notebook. But looking at my visitor statistics, I feel like my blog is suffering for the following reasons:

  1. I don’t write enough. This past year has been tough on me, being back from maternity leave and trying to find a home/work balance. It’s caused me to run from the one thing I love doing the most: writing.
  2. I write whatever I want. Although in the past years, this has been a successful way of attracting visitors to my blog, right now, it’s not enough to attract new and maintain old visitors.
  3. I’m not writing about things that matter. Of course everyone loves to be able to go somewhere and bitch and vent about how terrible life is. For me, I’ve used my blog as my forever go-to place. I mean really, how much of my venting and complaining are you guys supposed to put up with?

After thinking long and hard, I have decided that I need to build out a content plan every season for my blog. That way, my readers will know what’s coming up and what I’m working on and I’ll ensure that I am regularly posting. I will continue to write my one-off vents and emotional posts. But I have so much knowledge and ideas I want to write about; which I haven’t focused on in a long time. So, I’ll be sharing those with all of you.

Let’s start with Fall and Winter being around the corner. Here’s what I’m lining up for all of you:

  • Weekly recipes
  • Decorating for Fall, Halloween, Diwali, Winter and Christmas
  • Ni’s Monthly Birthday Letters (sorry,  I can’t give these up. I’ve promised these to myself and her)
  • Mom-In-Training: Cold/Flu Guide
  • Beauty/Fashion: Winter-proofing yourself

Come September, we’ll dive into my Fall/Winter Guide.

Stay tuned.

Depression And A Stubborn Desire To Live

Image source: Screenshot of Google Images
Image source: Screenshot of Google Images

A recent article on the Huffington Post website, “Suicide Isn’t A Product Of Not Trying” has left me thinking about my own experience with depression and attempted suicide. The author, Shannon Fisher talks about her own experience and the recent death of comedian and actor, Robin Williams. She talks about everything she’s done to stay alive and not give up. She talks about how people who dealing with depression try very hard to get help and exhaust those resources before it’s just too overwhelming and suicide is the only option remaining.

I’ve been there. I’ve battled depression  for as many years as I can remember. I’ve attempted suicide so many times, I’ve lost count. But the will to live always came out greater than my need to die. I am a survivor. Life hasn’t been perfect or close to it. But I’m still alive. I’m still here!

Those dark thoughts that take over your mind, your heart, your very being are excruciatingly difficult to overcome. Yes, there are many support units set up around you; your family, your friends, your teachers, your counselors, psychiatrists, suicide hotlines, etc., etc., etc. The list just goes on. But what you are battling within you, NO ONE can experience. No one can understand. Sometimes, even you, yourself have trouble understanding.

I went through this for many, many years. It took me a long time to “get over it”, as some people may say. It took everything in my being to become the person I am today and even now, I have days when depression engulfs me and makes me cry. But those suicidal thoughts, they don’t arise. Something has changed. I have changed. I have  taken charge of the person I am and want to be. I won’t let my demons take that away from me. It took me very long to get here. But I’m here and nothing anyone says or does can change that.

So what changed? How did I “get over it”? Where have I hidden those suicidal  thoughts? Deep. Very, very deep. So deep that there is no way of them resurfacing. EVER.

When life handed me every misery I could imagine, just when I thought I had enough; I was dealt another bad card. Another blow to the wounds that hadn’t even begun healing. At one point though, you get to a point where you call it quits. You’ve had enough. And then when you’re standing on the ledge of a bridge, contemplating whether jumping is easier or just saying, “fuck it” to everything that put you on that bridge, you realize that saying, “fuck it”, starting anew, turning around and leaving everything behind will be harder than jumping. It’ll be the hardest thing you ever did in your life, walking away from that bridge. But you do. Because something inside of you says, I want to live. I WANT TO LIVE!

That’s the moment depression fucks off. That’s the moment everything causing you depression, fucks off. That’s the moment suicide is no longer an option. SURVIVAL is your only path.

You walk away from everything that makes you, you. You walk away from every human-being you’ve ever know. You just walk away. It takes a lot of balls and courage to do it and you’ll be alone for a very long time after that. But you have yourself. And you are enough to banish those demons. You are enough to make things right for you. You don’t need anyone else. Nothing else matters.

For me, I found myself. I found my desire to live. I was stubborn. But I wasn’t going to give up. No.

For others, like dear Robin Williams, he didn’t get there. He didn’t find himself. What he was battling, what or who those demons were, no one will ever know. But had he only looked deep within him and walked away from it all, maybe, he would still be here  today. Maybe he did find himself, maybe he did walk away, there are so many maybes to consider. What worked for me, I don’t know if it would work for others. All of our demons are different. All I know is that it takes a lot of being to pull out of it and push it away.

To my beloved readers: if you’re depressed and you’re battling your demons, get all the support that is available. But know that the biggest and greatest of all supports available is within you. You need to find that stubborn desire to live. And every time you find it, keep it atop and cherish it. You’ll fall a million times before you rise, but you will rise. There is always a morning to every night; whether yours comes immediately or not, it will come. So, promise me you’ll dig deep within you before calling it quits.

Related Links:

A Fresh Start

MeEvery so often life changes. You fall out of a relationship and go through a phase of crying, solitude, depression, self-awareness, exploring new ideas, dating, falling into another relationship, love and possibly marriage.

Then marriage comes along and jumbles everything up again. Learning to live with someone, being equal parts, sharing your home, life and belongings, building memories together, picturing hopes and dreams, setting up routines and goals and eventually family planning.

Then the planning takes root and you’re pregnant; there you go again, all jumbled up again. The bump grows, you hear the heartbeat, see the sonograms, find out the gender, purchase necessities and cute little things, have a baby shower, prepare the hospital bag, and then you’re finally admitted into the maternity ward.

Several hours later, life hands you one of the most precious gifts in the world and your life is all jumbled up again. You become responsible for this darling angel and your everything goes into making sure they are safe, happy, healthy and loved.

With every phase in life, it is important to start anew, to learn and progress from the earlier stage and emerge into a better you during the new phase.

For those of you that have followed Ziddi Tamana for many years, you’ll all know that Ziddi Tamana has gone through many stages and has constantly been renewed and refreshed. As I’m becoming more of  a mother everyday and a better wife, I feel I need another fresh start here; with my blog.

Over the next couple of days and weeks, you will notice Ziddi Tamana change. I’m still the same Ziddi Tamana I’ve been all my life; but my blog will change. The look and feel will change. The categories, pages and menu will change. The overall concept of the blog will change. So, please be patient with me. Things may look all weird and wonky at times and out-of-place. But I promise you, the great content you’ve learned to expect on this blog will continue to be delivered. I just need to freshen up the place a little.

So, stay tuned to the new Ziddi  Tamana coming soon!

~Tamana

Ni’s 21 Month Birthday Letter

Ni's Weekly & Monthly Birthday Letters

Happy Birthday Ni, my little darling!

I’m sorry mommy took so long to write your 21st Month Birthday letter. As you know, mommy had surgery on July 17th and had her gallbladder removed. While recovering, you somehow contracted an eye infection in both eyes, an ear infection and some sort of viral infection. You stayed at grandma’s house for a couple of days, so that you wouldn’t get mommy sick. But mommy got sick with an ear and viral infection. All is better now and we’re both coughing but feeling much better for the most part.

As for this month, well let’s see, we haven’t really done much this past month. You did go to Wild Water Kingdom for the first time. That was really fun. You loved being in the wave pool. Oh my, how much you loved the water. It was thrilling to see you jump and bounce and fall and splash around all over the place. Mommy and daddy are hoping to take you back there one more time before the summer is over and hopefully, record some videos of you splashing around. We weren’t able to take any videos this time as we were worried we’d ruin our phones in the water. However, mommy has found a waterproof phone case. I just need to purchase it and then we can take lots of water videos and pictures of you.

Besides that angel, all else was quite this month. Anyway, sweetheart, Happy 21 Month Birthday. Know that mommy and daddy love you dearly and will always be with you.

a stubborn desire…

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