Battles With Depression

Being home for the last couple of months has left me with too much time to think about all the things that aren’t right in my world. I’ve spent numerous sleepless nights thinking and imagining how to make things better. But cannot find it within myself to resolve my issues and come to peace with my demons.

Some days I feel like I should just run away, leave everything behind and vanish into this cruel world somewhere. But then my heart tells me that I have a loving husband and baby girl that need me more than I need to run away. I’m not disappointed with my family life. Matter of fact, I’m happy with it. But there are things within myself that bring me to tears and cause me this horrible feeling of running away.

Having all this time on my hands lately, has caused me to do some soul searching and come up with things I want to change in myself and life. I want to look and feel like a million bucks. But I’m not losing weight and I won’t lie and say that I’ve sincerely been trying either. Because I haven’t. I want to but just can’t find the willpower to move forward with it. Everyday I tell myself that I’m going to eat differently, I’m going to try to do at least one thing today that will increase my heart rate and tire me out. But the day comes and I won’t even get up all day and even shower. I feel miserable and although I won’t eat all day, I won’t do anything else either.

I used to love myself so much that people used to call me conceited. Actually, I used to call myself a conceited bitch because at that time I was so high on myself. I had it all. I was fit, not skinny. I had gorgeous curly black hair. I had a glowing face and I dressed sexy but classy. And now I am neither of those things. My hair is short, damaged and in terrible condition. I’m not fit anymore, I’m overweight and hideous looking. My face glows when I pack on makeup but the natural beauty of my skin has long since vanished. I don’t dress amazingly because clothes are harder to find when you’re overweight. So I just wear what fits, regardless if it looks good or not. I hate looking at myself in the mirror.

Where did my days of feeling and looking beautiful go? Why did life take its toll on my beauty?

There are few other things that aren’t right in world either. I’m sick. I’ve been sick for a long while and I don’t see myself feeling better anytime soon. The sinus infection, the constant muscle and body aches and pains, I chills, the fevers, the headaches; the list just goes on and on.

When you’re not feeling well inside, it’s hard to feel well on the outside or put a smile on your face for your family and friends. When tears so easily pour out of your eyes without much reason, it’s hard to laugh at the funny things that happen.

I feel like I’ve lost myself inside this sickness and depression and I’m scared to discuss all of this with anyone, even D or my doc. D knows I’m unhappy with myself but he doesn’t know how much it effects me both physically and emotionally. He doesn’t know how many nights I stay wide awake, staring at the blank ceiling in the dark. He doesn’t know how many nights I’ve spent over the past few months crying myself to sleep. I couldn’t tell him all this. He’d somehow blame himself for my depression and I’d hate myself for having him think he was the cause of all this. He’s not. I am. They are my demons. He’s a very good husband, friend and father. I’m blessed to have him in my life, as blessed as I am to have Ni.

But I’ve got to battle my demons myself. Either come to terms with them or surrender to them. The latter isn’t an option; I have a family to care for and love. But the former is too hard to do. So how do I find peace and settle my battle with my depression and my demons? It’s been a long time since I’ve felt happy. I want to feel happiness again, I just don’t know where to begin.

More Surgery On The Horizon

After visit an ENT specialist earlier this week, it was confirmed to me that I would indeed need another surgery. A bone in my nose needs to be straightened and my sinuses need to be drained. I knew I needed this surgery, why it took so long to get an ENT appointment and for the specialist himself to confirm it is beyond me.

If you’re wondering, yes, I am still home sick. It’s been a really long, painful and depressing two months. What should’ve been a regular procedure that dentists preform regularly, has left me sick and in lots of pain. I know it’s not my dentist’s fault I got sick. But it all started after having my tooth extracted.

I’m so depressed with these fevers and body aches. Some days I can’t even get out of bed. Well, stay tuned for more updates. Hopefully, they’ll catch something in my CT scan on Monday and I’ll finally get a proper diagnoses, instead of the “fever of unknown origin” crap that’s currently diagnosed.

Ni’s 2 Year Birthday Letter

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Feeling sick to my gut and being busy with your birthday, I didn’t get a chance to write your birthday letter. So, I’m doing it now.

Happy 2 year birthday, sweetheart! I cannot believe that you’re already 2 years old. I know I say this every month, but my goodness, how quickly you are growing up and time is passing. You are turning in to a beautiful little girl. You’re smart, funny, always excited and such a quick learner and this month you really proved that.

You’ve fully learnt to sing the alphabet, count up to 20 and sing so many nursery rhymes; your favorite being ba ba black sheep and itsy bitsy spider. Plus, you love listening to the Hindi song, Ashiana from the movie Burfi. You call it iti si khushi and you can even sing some of the words to it. The song is beautiful, it calms you down and makes you smile. It’s been one of those songs that mommy has been listening to since you were in my tummy. But it’s the song that daddy and you listen to together mostly.

So, as you’re growing and learning all sorts of new things, you’ve also learnt to lock the balcony door as soon as someone goes outside. And you did just that one day when mommy went outside. You locked me out and you were the only one home and couldn’t figure out how to unlock the door. That was quite scary. But luckily, mommy had her phone and called the building superintendent; whom was kind enough to get the master key and open the front door and let mommy back in the apartment. She had quite the laugh, as did I and daddy. But now I’ve learnt to be very cautious and make sure to put you on your high-chair before stepping outside. Silly girl.

Anyway, sweetheart, mommy is still battling this sickness and can’t write more at this time. But I want you to know that the past two years of mommy and daddy’s lives have been the best two years of our lives ever. You’ve brighten our world and have brought so much happiness into our lives. Thank you for being you, sweetheart. We love you dearly and will always do so. And no matter how old or big you get, you will always be our little girl. Love you hunny, happy 2nd birthday.

Happy 2nd Birthday Ni!

Happy 2nd birthday my darling angel. May god bless you today and always and you grow and shine bright like the stars in the sky. May all your dreams and wishes come true and may you succeed in everything you, my little sweetheart.

Update on Health

After endless appointments with my physician and an infectious disease specialist; neither has yet diagnosed me with any specific medical condition. One says I may be suffering due to a prolonged viral infection and the other mentioned something about a fever of unknown origin. I’ve given so much blood over the past few weeks that had I donated my blood instead, I would’ve probably helped a couple of people in need. Clearly, my blood wouldn’t be accepted at this point because I’m battling a mysterious infection but you get why I say that.

Anyway, to make matters worst, my employer is having me assessed by the insurance company that pays our benefits and short-term disability. I understand why, it’s just frustrating when I’m already sick and have all this shit going on and now I’ve got to take on more to prove to my employer that I am not just messing around. You’d think after six years of service, they’d trust me as much. But I do understand they have policies and procedures they have to follow. It just sucks that I have to do this extra stuff when I’m already this stress of not feeling good and not knowing what’s wrong with me.

Anyway, if I’m not better by Monday, I’m going back into see the specialist to get this forms filled. My physician is away on vacation for the next ten days so I’m hoping my specialist filling out the forms will suffice.

I’ll keep all of you posted on what’s going on and how I’m doing.

a stubborn desire…

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