a stubborn desire…
It’s been 10 days since my last post. Where have the days gone? How is time flying by so quickly? I feel like life is rushing at me in full force and I cannot catch my breath. Days come and days go. Night falls and rushes by.
I have someone new in my life. Is he a friend? Is he something more? Will he be something more? I don’t know just yet. I have not decided. I am not thinking much about it just yet.
He is sweet. He is funny. He is rude and mean, at times. He challenges me and comforts me. He makes me smile one minute and the next, leaves me confused and wondering. There’s an excitement when I’m with him but also a feeling of total bliss.
Every minute seems precious when we’re together and every minute apart seems like a day has gone by. He’s pushing me to my limits but holding my hand as I exceed them. There is a blanket of support and caution around me. My heart beats rapidly. All these emotions feeling so new. I’m full of confusion. I cannot come to terms with what all this is.
He notices the little things and compliments my efforts. I am not used to this kind of attention. I am proceeding with caution. My heart is still soft, still not completely mended. But it’s jumping out of my chest and wanting to rush towards him. One part of me wants to give it my all. The other part screams, “NO!”
I feel happy now. I feel uplifted and full-spirited. I feel beautiful and wanted. It all seems to be too good to be true. So much has happened in the past 3 months. I have been stuck on this emotional roller-coaster for too long. I want to get off. He has opened the door and is holding his hand out for me to grab. I want to grab it but seem to barely be able to reach. Just when the tips of our fingers touch, I get jolted backwards. He’s not reaching out far enough either. He’s where I am too; on his own roller-coaster. Each moves forward with caution. Each jolts back. We push and pull towards each other and then seem to get pulled back.
I want to breakthrough. I want to end this ride now. I want off! But my mind pulls me back. My heart yells for attention. They’re both asking me whether its still too soon. I cannot decide.
Maybe I just need to jump. Should I jump?
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