a stubborn desire…
As lovely as love is. As beautiful as it turns your world and fills your heart with warmth and happiness. I don’t want to be in love anymore. I don’t want to be classified as being tied down or as couple or in a relationship, anymore. I give my heart. Sometimes it takes a while, sometimes it happens instantly. But almost all of the time its to people who cannot appreciate it.
When I was heartless, soulless and just didn’t give a shit; they appreciated me better. It was worth the struggle to get me to love them. But then when I give in, when I accept them and let myself fall in love with them; they don’t appreciate me or just take me for granted.
So, I’m wondering now if maybe it is just better to be single than in a relationship. I don’t want to give my heart away anymore. I don’t want the constant disappointments that come with it. This is the final time. No more after this. If it doesn’t work this time then so be it. I’m done with love.
FYI – I have not broken up with the bf nor am I planning on. I’m just having a moment where I realize that being in love and falling in love with someone is just too damn complicated. There are too many compromises. Too much to give away. Not enough gained. The risk is too great and the loss would be immense.
(Its hilarious how love can fluctuate so much. 3 days ago I was celebrating our 6 months. Today I’m disappointed at it all. Love is so messed up. Too many ups and downs. )