a stubborn desire…
I’ve written about this before. I’ve felt this way before. But today I seem to be back in that moment again.
You see, there are givers. These people give and give and give. They don’t give to gain anything out of giving. But somewhere in their minds or hearts they hope to receive equal amounts of what they give. It’s human nature to expect to gain when you give. And so, these people give themselves to others until they are drained and have no more to give.
Then there are the receivers. These people take whatever they can get their hands on. They don’t think to return any of what they’ve received. It’s just not in their mind set to give.
I am a giver. I’ve given myself to certain people. I’ve given and given and given until now, when I’m running dry. I dot have anymore of myself to give. I seem to gain anything back. And I’m frustrated and torn that these people can take so much of me from me and barely share themselves. I’m saddened that I expected equality in these relationships. But they’ve never thought of making me an equal partner.
For the longest while, part of me thought, if you someone your whole self, they’ll give themselves to you in return. But I’m learning this isn’t true. You can ask, you can beg, you can hope. Unless they feel the same, you won’t get anything.
So, what do I do? Do I just give up and let these relationships wash away? Do I stop giving myself and become a taker? Or do I remain as the giver and hope I’ll gain mutuality? Wouldn’t that turn me into a doormat? What do I do?