a stubborn desire…
I know I’ve been away a lot from my blog. I know I only post once a week or less. I don’t have any excuses for you today either. I just don’t feel like a writer lately or anything else for that matter.
The pregnancy is taking its toll on me both emotionally and physically, plus on my marriage to D. You know that saying, “if you can get through the wedding together, marriage is a breeze”? Well, they really should revise that saying to, “if you can get through the wedding, just wait until you’re pregnant.”
Seems like I am on an emotional roller-coaster all the time lately. Yes, I know it’s the hormonal change and progesterone levels pushing me to these extremes but still it’s not fun! My relationship with D keeps suffering because of it. All those hormones running through me have made me a mad woman. Every little thing seems to bother or irritate me these days.
Maybe I’ve set such high expectations towards D that whenever they’re not fulfilled I feel completely lost and empty. Maybe he doesn’t get how much the hormones are making me sensitive and emotional. Maybe, maybe, maybe! There are so many maybes in my mind that I just don’t know what to think of it all.
I’ve burst out at him 3-4 times since last week. I feel like a crazy person when he looks at me blankly and wonders what’s next on my menu of emotional rage. I just don’t know how to stop myself. If I’m not crying, I’m miserably unhappy, if it’s not that then I’m horribly angry. I feel like I’m going nuts.
I’ve tried to take ME time, I’ve tried relaxing with a warm bath and candles lit. I’ve even gone for a massage or two. Nothing seems to help calm me down or relax me. I feel like I’m just picking fights with him for silly reasons. But then when I sit and think and rationalize my anger, it all seems necessary and legit.
I’m stuck in my emotional mess. Anyone have any suggestions on getting through it? I’d go to my girlfriends for advice but the only two I’m closest to are in the US and the other one in India. So, here I am. I know there’s a couple of mothers and wives that read my blog, so I’m hoping one of you will read this and offer your insight or suggestions.