The Cluster- Fuck

Sit in a room waiting for the other person to bring up an important topic to discuss and you’ll just end up sitting there for 30 minutes staring at the wall waiting. Try to bring up the topic yourself and you’ll get a half-ass response that has no benefits. That’s where I am these days..

Go into work and get hounded by everyone and their mothers, pulling and tugging you in every direction for decisions and not having the answers for them, will end you up in the bathroom, hyperventilating and holding back tears. Try asking for support, empathy or any words of encouragement and you’ll end up being told, “this is part of the job, if you can’t handle it, find something else. That’s where I am these days.

Come home to a house empty of most of its contents due to a bed bug problem, with nowhere to sit but the dinner table chairs and constantly be on the look out for the little fuckers; excessively cleaning. That’s where I am these days.

Endless days and nights spent in pain. Vomiting. Diarrhea. light-headedness. My body feels as if it’s decaying. This is where I am these days.

Life has turned into a massive cluster-fuck these days and I am frustrated. I am depressed. I am torn. Bruised and a bit broken. I’ve stepped away from the things I love doing most and cannot focus on many things that need to get done. But I keep telling myself through all of this, “suck it up, princess. The show must go on!”

I’m trying hard to be here. I’m trying hard not to let myself get sucked in. But it’s so hard to do. It’s so hard to stop yourself from depressing and losing perspective. I look at D and Ni and they remind me why I must hang on, why I must not let my depression takeover my ability to BE. It’s just so hard. And I am so tired. So, so, very tired.

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