Ending Phase 1. Beginning Phase 2.

My last week of class went by faster than I could imagine and of course, I went out with a bang! We had a huge party and two of my girlfriends surprised me by showing up. It was an awesome way to end eight dreadful months of cramming and sleepless nights!

However, not having to study and cram has left me a bit loss. I have become so accustomed to constantly having something to study for that now I don’t know what to do with my time.

As for my externship, the first week is over and I am exhausted. I chose a very early shift (6 am to 2 pm), which means I have to get up at 3:45 am every morning, so the lack of sleep is killing me. However, being in one of the best hospitals in Canada and experiencing this lifestyle is something I would never give up no matter how much sleep I lost. The staff is so helpful and polite. It’s not as busy right now but there is always something to learn or do.

That’s where I’m at right now. Thankfully I’m not working this weekend, so I’ll be getting a lot of rest. I hope you’ll do the same. Enjoy your weekend and stay blessed!

~Tamana

Final Week Of Class

It’s here, the final week of class has finally arrived and I am so excited to be moving into the next phase of this journey. I still have 2 more exams to write before the week is over and then it’s time to celebrate.

These past eight months have been a rollercoaster but I’ve gotten through it and survived. Surprisingly, I have met a few amazing people through this adventure and my once empty list of girlfriends has grown significantly since the beginning of this course; which I am grateful for.

I have also learned to better manage my time and responsibilities. Being a mom, student, wife, etc., etc., it’s been challenging managing everything, however, my grades will tell you, I’ve done pretty well for myself. Apparently, I’m in line for receiving honors and my name may be put into the running for class valedictorian (who would’ve thought me of all people 😲).

Anyway, I need to get back to studying for these two final exams. I’ll write again at the end of the week and let you know how it all went and how I’m feeling now that it’s almost all over. Stay tuned and have a blessed week ahead.

~Tamana

Eid-Al-Adha Mubarak

Eid-Al-Adha Mubarak. May you remain steadfast in your Deen, continue your act of worship and obedience to Allah. May Allah swt accept your hajj, duas, fasts, sacrifices and prayers. Alhamdulillah for seeing another Eid.

Enjoy your day with your family and loved ones. 🙏🏼

~Tamana

Image from Instagram: @islamic.matters

Happy Birthday, Shauna!

You are my wild-child, the crazy, nutty, hilarious friend that I am so thankful to have. You keep me in line when I start messing up and always have my back in my time of need. You’ve brighten my days when I was down and felt like shit with all the hilarious, inappropriate comments and memes exchanged between us. But you’ve also been there during my up times and celebrated life with me; which I am so grateful for.

So, today, I want to say happy birthday and thank you for being such an amazing influence in my life. Although, we met in hell, I am so thankful for that “hell” because it brought you into my life. I wish you all the happiness and love the world has to offer and success in everything you do.

Love you to pieces and don’t know what I’d do without you and all the nonsense jokes and arguments between us, jerk pork! 🤣🤣🤣

Happy Birthday, Shaunananananana! 😘

It’s Time To Silence Myself

silence

The past few weeks, it seems as if I am bumping heads with my loved ones. My personality, overthinking and mentality isn’t fitting in with the main characters of my story. A day or so ago, one of the characters blazed me for the way I’ve been behaving and rightfully so. They stated that before I complain about the characters in my life, I should evaluate my own behavior. As stubborn as I want to be and deny that this person is right, the truth is that they are absolutely right.

I have been letting my overthinking and desperation of feeling something more than anger get the best of me. I have been so lost in my own mind and focused on the things I need in my life right now that I haven’t focused on the needs of the other characters in my story. I haven’t looked at their struggles or how they’ve been feeling because I have been so caught up in my own feelings.

I have always been the type of person to speak my mind. I have lived by the theory that what is in my heart should be on my lips and maybe that’s why I have a limited amount of people that actually understand me. Most people nowadays don’t want someone who is outspoken, who doesn’t sugarcoat their thoughts and has no filter. Everybody talks about wanting someone real and raw but when they find someone like that it becomes too much to tolerate.

I have started to realize that it’s time I change those things about me. I need to stop being so open with my feelings and letting my circle know how I feel, what I want, what I dream of, what I wish for, what my desires and expectations of them are.

After all these realizations, I believe it is time to let others speak and for me to listen. So, I’m silencing myself, putting a lock on my mind and heart from letting anything out, except for on my blog because this is my place and no one is allowed to silence me here.

~Tamana

Living A Half-Life

image-3There are certain things in my life that only a very few number of people know about. There are things about me I’ve hidden from the world due to family restrictions and reputation and because culturally people may not understand why I chose to make the decisions I made.

Sometimes, I feel like I am living a lie as if only part of my life is true or real because the other part is so deeply hidden between the creases of my lies. The people that know my truths understand why I wear the masks I’m forced to wear. Yet, inside me, there is a fire that has begun raging for me to take off the masks, to come forth with all my truths and let whoever gets hurt in the process of my unveiling, get hurt.

I am not scared of being accepted, I don’t care who accepts me for who I really am, as the ones that have stood by me through this hidden life are the only ones I need to accept me. Yet, I worry what an unveiling as such would do to those other relationships that aren’t as deep as the ones I cherish, but close enough to make me consider or worry about the consequences of my truths.

I wish we lived in a time when everyone was accepted for who they truly are and what they believe and not judged for it. I wish there was a time when you could openly tell anyone and everyone what was hidden deep within your soul without having to worry about losing them. Although the world has advanced so much, the human race seems to be going backwards. Instead of accepting and loving one another for who we are, we have become overly sensitive, get offended easily and judge one another before even considering the reasons behind the person’s truths or decisions.

For now though, until the world and people’s mentality changes, I’m stuck living this half-life, half-lie of who I really am and it’s unfortunate because, in this moment, the urge I have to be real has never been more.

~Tamana

A Feeling Of Broken

Do you ever feel broken, like pieces of you have been shattered and spread out like shards of glass? Today I feel broken. My heart hurts, my eyes are so painful because there are no more tears to shed, my soul feels alone and my ego is lost.

I’m one of the biggest assholes you’ll ever meet. I don’t take bullshit from anymore. I don’t have tolerance for ignorance or stupidity. I am normally blunt and don’t have a filter.

The one thing I am not is egotistic, I give people the benefit of the doubt, and I would never intentionally hurt someone. I would never cause anyone pain that is undeserving and even when it is deserving, I just cut them off and go on with my life. And I truly believe that is how people should be.

But there is always one person in our lives that can trash our ego, can shatter us to pieces, can cause us to lose our self worth and bring so much pain to our hearts that it physically hurts to breath. I too have someone like that in my life. They know the power and grasp they have over me. They know exactly how to shatter me and how to make me feel as if I am worthless. Not that they do it intentionally but they know the power they hold over me, as I know the power I hold.

Yet this is the same person that can bring me the greatest joys and make me feel like a million bucks. This is the same person that can fill my heart up with so much warmth that I am floating on cloud nine. This is the same person that taught me how to love and value myself. They are the same person that my soul craves and needs to feel whole. They are my twin flame and my soul mate.

And through this journey of being who we are, we have given each other some of the greatest of pains, yet also have experienced unlimited happiness and unconditional love. But sometimes what happens is that one person keeps giving and giving, while the other takes and takes without realizing that the other has given so much. Eventually, to the point where the giver becomes the taken for granted one and the receiver the oblivious one. Then one day, the giver can’t give anymore and everything that was boiling for the longest while ends up overflowing and eventually explodes.

Now the thing to know about twin flames is that we don’t complete each other but we help one another complete ourselves. So when things like this happen, the feeling of wholeness and completeness depletes and you are left vulnerable, strained, empty and broken. This is why my being feels broken today.

Although my twin has been made aware of the madness arising within me, I still await to be understood and relieved of the turmoil I am in. And until that happens, I continue to walk around shattered and lifeless, even though my personality and mask would tell you otherwise.

~Tamana

a stubborn desire…

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