5 Year Anniversary 

Yesterday, Dev and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. We didn’t do anything extravagant or buy any gifts for each other this time around. We just spent the whole day together, with Nid and my family as my mother had prepared an amazing lunch for us. It was a nice day. 

As we were driving home from their house, I reminisced on all we had gone through over the past five years. All the ups and all the downs, all the fun trips, exploring and experiencing new things. All of the disagreements and moments when our personalities clashed. All the times we held each other and overcame our doubts and fears. And through all the those years and events, I realized that I married a gem-of-a-person because not once did he make me feel inferior to him or give me a doubt that we’d separate. He held my hand through it all and always reassured me that we’d get through it. 

As I remember everything we’ve done and experienced, I cannot help but count my blessings for having met the love of my life. I cannot thank him enough for loving me and taking care of me the way that he does. 

Happy Anniversary, babe. I love you and forever will and can’t wait to hold your hand through the next 50-60-70 years with you!

What Are We Leaving Our Children Behind To?

People encourage me to have another child. My parents, relatives, friends and even regulars at the restaurant tell me that I should have another child before Nid gets too old. I tell them I’m not ready and physiologically and financially cannot afford another child right now.

The fact of the matter is that I am horrified to have the one that I already have grow up in this world and what it’s becoming. Isis killing the Europeans. Americans killing Americans. A race fight. Honour killings. Pedophiles. Gang rapes. People overdosing on drugs that even experts can’t explain. The world is pretty much fucked and it’s just going to get worst.

It scares me shitless thinking my little Nid will one day walk this earth without her parents. How will she deal with everything this world is turning into? How will she cope with all of this? Especially, when her own parents are having a hell of a time handling everything happening in the world.

Sometimes I turn on the news first thing in the morning and nearly end up crying. It’s devastating seeing what human beings are doing to each other and to our planet. How can I imagine another child in this world? I mean, tough luck for Nidhi, she was a golden child so she’s here without a choice of her’s or mine. And I will do everything in my power to leave her in a place where she is strong, brave and capable of handling anything that comes her way. But to intentionally bring another child into this world knowing everything that is happening seems a bit stupid. 

On the flip side, I think God forbid something were to happen to Dev and I, at least Nid would have a sibling. She would need a sibling and companion who knew exactly what she was going through. 

But will they actually be there for each other? I mean, look at me and my brother, we haven’t spoken in nearly 10 years and quite frankly, I’m happy it’s that way. So when I think about that relationship, I figure its best not to have a sibling at all. But that’s my own drama that we’ll keep out of this post for the sake of sanity.

The important matter is that if I bring another child into this world knowing that I haven’t done anything to better it would be a sin and lack of compassion for this world and my children. So, I’ve decided to pay it forward. As most of you know, I can be an incredibly selfish person but equally caring and loving. I am taking a new step in my life to help others and give a little back to this sometimes bitter world. 

Along with changing my career completely so I may help people (details to come), I am also going to be taking Nid with me to help clean our community on afternoon walks on the weekends. Aside from that, I will begin collecting clothes, toys, food from my own home to donate to shelters for youth. I think our youth need the most support right now because after we leave, it will be them that walk this earth and I hope with my efforts, I can change someone’s life for the betterment of their future and cause them to do a little good. 

I know, it’s not a lot but every effort helps and will better our world a bit at a time. I hope my new outlook to better this world for my child, will spark a flame inside of you to also do a little for the betterment of your children and the world they’ll live in. 

A Lesson On Judging Before Knowing The Whole Story

I recently saw this Facebook post about a lesson a teacher taught her students and thought of sharing it with all of you. I feel like sometimes we don’t look at the whole picture and judge or make assumptions. This story is the perfect example of it and a great read for this gloomy Wednesday. Unfortunately, I don’t know who the author is or what website it was posted to, so I can’t give the proper credit to the author. If anyone knows where this was originally posted, please comment and I’ll add the credits to the story. 

A teacher was tutoring a class of students when she relayed a story about a cruise ship capsized while at sea, and on the ship was a couple that managed to make their way to a lifeboat but realized there was only space for one. You’ll never guess what lesson they learned from the story.A cruise ship met with an incident at sea. On the ship was a couple, after having made their way to the lifeboat, they realized that there was only space for one person left.
At this moment, the man pushed the woman behind him and jumped onto the lifeboat himself.
The lady stood on the sinking ship and shouted one sentence to her husband.
The teacher stopped and asked, “What do you think she shouted?”
Most of the students excitedly answered, “I hate you! I was blind!”
Now, the teacher noticed a boy who was silent throughout, she got him to answer and he replied, “Teacher, I believe she would have shouted – Take care of our child!”
The teacher was surprised, asking “Have you heard this story before?”
The boy shook his head, “Nope, but that was what my mom told my dad before she died to disease”.
The teacher lamented, “The answer is right”.
The cruise ship sunk. The man went home and brought up their daughter single-handedly.
Many years later after the death of the man, their daughter found his diary while tidying his belongings.
It turns out that when parents went onto the cruise ship, the mother was already diagnosed with a terminal illness. At the critical moment, the father rushed to the only chance of survival.
He wrote in his diary, “How I wished to sink to the bottom of the ocean with you, but for the sake of our daughter, I can only let you lie forever below the sea alone”.
The story is finished, the class was silent.
The teacher knows that the student has understood the moral of the story, that of the good and the evil in the world, there are many complications behind them which are hard to understand.
Which is why we should never only focus on the surface and judge others without understanding them first.
Those who like to pay the bill, do so not because they are loaded but because they value friendship above money.
Those who take the initiative at work, do so not because they are stupid but because they understand the concept of responsibility.
Those who apologize first after a fight, do so not because they are wrong but because they value the people around them.
Those who are willing to help you, do so not because they owe you anything but because they see you as a true friend.
Those who often text you, do so not because they have nothing better to do but because you are in their heart.
One day, all of us will get separated from each other; we will miss our conversations of everything and nothing; the dreams that we had. Days will pass by, months, years, until this contact becomes rare… One day our children will see our pictures and ask “Who are these people?” And we will smile with invisible tears because a heart is touched with a strong word and you will say: “It was them that I had the best days of my life with.”

He Wasn’t My Best Friend, After All. 

I had a best friend; he was one of the closest people to me. He knew all my secrets and all of my fears. I shared everything with him and went out of my way to always make him smile. When he asked me for a favour, I made it my priority to fulfill it. I was always there. He was my best friend in the whole world. 
Or so I thought.

He was never actually my best friend. I was never actually his priority. He never went out of his way to make me smile or happy. He was just a friend. Yes, he made me smile and he helped me out when I asked. 

But he let my friendship with him nearly end over another relationship. 

He left a year ago and recently came back. Prior to coming back, we spoke once. He apologized for everything and I forgave him. 

When I found out he was finally coming back, I thought I was getting my best friend back. I thought everything would go back to how it previously was. I thought…so much. But none of it did.

He came back completely changed. He wasn’t the person I called my best friend. The fact that I even consider him a friend now is surprising to me. Although jokingly, he denies being my friend at all. We argue now and he puts me down in front of other people. He questions my decisions and motives. He treats me as if he is just tolerating me because we work together. 

Since he’s been back, I’ve tried talking to him and figuring out why he acts the way he does towards me. But he just responds with sarcasm or ignores the question all together. I’ve tried to leave things as they are and move on but find it ridiculously hard to do so. This person was supposed to be the person I called my best friend. He was supposed to be my support system and one of the ones making me laugh and smile. 

But he no longer was any of those things. Or maybe he was never any of those things to start with and it was an illusion of my own mind. I was his best friend but he was never mine and may never be.

Happy 35th Birthday, My Love

On the 27th of February, we celebrated my husband’s 35th birthday. I was at work all day as was he. But I prepared an amazing dinner before I left for work and set the table with champagne, a flower and cake in the fridge. It would’ve been the perfect surprise had he not been expecting something more elaborate and fun filled. 

For past 6 years that my husband and I have been together, I have always thrown him a birthday bash; cooked all the food myself and invited all his friends over for a night of drinking and dinner. In previous years, I would shower him with gifts starting early in the month, as I did this time. 

But I didn’t throw the big birthday bash this year. There was a bash but at a friend’s house for husband and another friend. It was supposed to be a trio birthday bash. But I had to cancel my portion of it and now I feel like I let Dev down. He’s a simple and sweet guy, he doesn’t ask for much but I’m sure he was expecting a big bash with all his friends present. I’ve felt terrible all week that I didn’t throw the big bash.

So, today, all of his friends are joining us at a restaurant for a surprise birthday dinner for him. He doesn’t know and thinks it’s just Nid, me and him going. I’m super excited that all his friends are going to be there and I’ve arranged for a cake and drinks will be on me for the whole gang. Hopefully, my love will enjoy his dinner. 

I’ll post pics of tonight’s dinner and celebration in a couple of days. Have a blessed weekend and hope my dinner plans go smoothly!

~Tamana 

Time Doesn’t Change Anything

Most people say that time heals everything. Time will pass and your feelings will fade away. Time will allow distance. Time will ease your worries. Time will heal your wounds. Time will change the way you feel about someone.

A year has passed but my feelings remain the same. I thought that distance, confrontation, avoidance and time would change how I felt a year ago. But it hasn’t. Everything is the same. I am the same. Nothing about me has changed except maybe I’m a bit more tolerant. No. I’m not more tolerant. It’s eating me from the inside out. Maybe I’m more inexpressive and can hide my feelings better than I could a year ago. Yes, that is what it is.

A year ago, when I allowed my emotions and thoughts to come out, it nearly tore my world apart. I learned so many lessons about the people around me and how everything changes once you wear your heart on your sleeve. 

But right now, I can’t wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. I can’t express how I feel anymore. I can’t let out anything that’s inside me anymore because people take advantage of your feelings and take you for granted and hurt you as if you’ll crumble without them.

Time has not changed anything; except it has taught me to change who I am. I used to be the bold, outspoken girl who didn’t hide anything. What was in her heart was on her lips. But now, I’ve become quiet. I can’t even write what’s in my heart for the fear of tearing my world apart. 

I just have one question though, how long do you let your silence stop you from being you? 

Quick Update: 2017

2017 has started off slow and steady for me.  Nothing new to expand on really. Except that I didn’t bothering to make my resolutions list as intended to. I did want to make it, I never have the mindset to sit down and actually write it all out. I know there are numerous things I want to accomplish this year but I don’t have the mental capacity to note them all down. 

Aside from the resolutions, I’ve discovered that I want another child. It’s been a long battle with myself and finally, I’ve come to terms with myself about having another child. I keep thinking about Nid and the what if’s of something ever happening to Dev and I; god forbid. I don’t want my child to be alone in this world. She has cousins and aunts and uncles that love her dearly, but a sibling would be going through the same as her should anything happen to us. They would understand each other and would be able to take care of one another (hopefully). 

Dev and I have talked about it over and over again and have agreed that now that Nid is four years old, it’s time we plan for another child. Plus, Nid has shown a lot of interest in having a baby sister or brother. I just hope that she and her sibling (if we have another child) get along and care for each other the way I hope. Nid’s very nurturing and I’m confident she will be the best older sister but when I think about my own relationship with my siblings I pray she doesn’t deal with what I have. 

Lastly, I’ve been experimenting with my hair and colours. Right now, my hair is a pink fading to dark, electric purple. Lol. It’s not at crazy as it sounds. But I’m in love with the colour and it makes me feel wild, young and like my old self before the age of mommy hood and wife hood. Before the purple, it was a dark blue and then green. But I think the purple is my favourite. Let me know what you think! 

So, that’s where I am so far into the new year. Slow but steady. I’m experimenting with hair colour, looking for jobs to get back into the corporate world, writing my resolutions in a new journal, planning to expand my family, working (once again) on my autobiography and trying to save some money. It’s all going pretty well. I feel content for the moment and counting blessings daily. 

How’s your new year starting out? What are you hoping to accomplish and try this year? Share you goals and aspirations with me; I’d love to hear them!

a stubborn desire…

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