Have you ever been online, playing a game for instance and received a random hello from your opponent? Or randomly met the same person online over and over that you begin chatting with them every day? Your chats go off the gaming medium to a chat server. You exchange photos of each other, email addresses, even phone numbers.  

Eventually, you decided that you want to speak to them on the phone. The phone conversation turns from a 10-15 minute call to a 6-7 hours one. This person, you’ve never met becomes your closest and dearest friend. You spend endless hours chatting, skyping and talking on the phone with them.

But you’ve never met them.

There are no chances of you meeting them. You are living on two different parts of the world. The physical difference is too great. Nothing you do or they do can bring the two of you physically closer.

Life goes on. You lose contact with your friend. They move forward in their life, as do you.

But somewhere in your heart, in your mind, in your day-to-day routine, they are there. They are everywhere you are. But they are never near, nor ever far. Years pass by and you suddenly think, maybe it’s time I need to reach out again. I need this person to know I still exist, that I am still where I was 10 years ago. You expect them to have forgotten you.

But they haven’t.

They remember every conversation, every experience, every detail, as do you. It dawns on you that they are where you left them 10 years ago; the same place you are. Nothing has changed. But everything has. You are still you, the you, you were 10 years ago. They are still them, the way they were 10 years ago.

No, nothing has changed.

Your simple request to speak to them takes you back 10 years and it’s like nothing has changed. But you both know that things cannot be as they were before. So after the many hours of conversation, you bid your farewell and promise to not call them often. But do emphasis that you’ll reach out to them every few years and wish them a happy life, as they wish you one too.

Life goes back to what it was before that morning. You feel content with yourself and your life. You know their presence is missing from your life but you are happy knowing that after all these years they haven’t forgotten you and remain as your friend.

They are your soul-mate. No marriage. No child. No other friend can change that. This stranger, you know everything about is your soul-mate and that’s enough for you to go on with your life, for they are with you everyday, everywhere, all around.

A feeling of defeat

I feel defeated today. Defeated by my relationships. Defeated by my career. Defeated by my finances. I feel as if all happiness has been lost. I feel hopeless. 

I don’t have a tear to shed today. Just silence. The urge to scream. But then again silence. 

Little things made me happy not so long ago. Today nothing seems to bring happiness to my face or heart. 

I feel defeated today. 

Happy Easter & Long-Weekend


Happy Easter to all celebrating and happy long-weekend to those not celebrating. Hope you’re enjoying your weekend with friends and family, as I am. Ni received a couple of cute-cuddly friends from me and our neighbour and has had so much chocolate eggs this weekend. Today her grandparents are picking her up for the rest of the weekend and I’m sure they’re going to add to her goodies collection!

Hope you’re enjoy your weekend as much as we are!  

Juice Cleanse: Day 2

JuicesToday’s juice cleanse was a bit easier than yesterday. I feel less tired and more energized. However, as great as the juices taste and salad is, I find it quite hard to look-forward to eating a salad at the end of the day. Mind you, I never did really like salads to start with. The metaboost salad tastes good and has a variety of ingredients in it. But I just would rather choose a steak instead of a salad.

As for the actual cleanse, I kept my routine pretty much the same as yesterday. 2 cups of black coffee, followed by lots of water, 4 juices and finishing the day off with my salad. Straight-forward and simple!

Physically, I don’t feel like I’ve lost any weight in the past day or “cleansed” for that matter. Overall, my body feels lighter, I’m not bloated and I have a little more energy than I normally do.

I have not begun drinking the warm lemon-water and I don’t plan on either. Being an asthma patient, lemons caused my asthma to flare up. So, I have to be extremely cautious with when I use lemons or lemon juice. Instead, I recalled a water recipe my mother had forced me into drinking after Ni was born. This water mixture was to help me shed off the baby-weight and it certainly helped.

Here’s what you need:

  • 1 tbsp. fennel seeds (sonf)
  • 1 tbsp. carom seeds (ajwain)
  • 2-3 black cardamom (moti ilaichi)
  • 1 tbsp. chopped ginger
  • 8-10 cups of water

Here’s what you do:

  • Bring water to a boil in a large pot
  • Add fennel seeds, carom seeds, cardamom and ginger and let boil for 10-15 minutes
  • Let cool and drink ½ a cup at a time
  • In the mornings and after meals, warm before drinking

I enjoy bottling this water mixture up and bringing it to work with me. It’s definitely an acquired taste, but if you can get past the taste, the benefits are plenty. It helps flush out toxins, reduces bloating and helps breakdown fat.

Try it out and let me know you think!

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One Of The Worst Days, Ever!

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. In the most sugar-coated way possible, I was turned down for something I have tried so hard to achieve. I didn’t think the outcome would affect me so dramatically but it did and so I had to leave to be alone for a couple of hours to make sense of it all. And through all the emotions of it, I found myself completely alone without a companion to share how I was feeling. My loving husband offered his sympathy, followed by, “don’t worry”, “you’ll get it next time or when one door closes another will open”. But I didn’t want the sympathy, I wanted to sulk and cry and yell and cry some more and I wanted someone to just listen or sit with me in utter silence as I cried. I didn’t need words of endearment or encouragement. No, I needed a shoulder or a hug. I found myself alone, shoulder-less, too confused to even cry. I reached out to someone but didn’t get the reaction I was looking for and was shut out by them too.

Whatever happened yesterday happened. But the worst part is that I was alone through it all without someone to understand what I needed. D is a loving husband and father, the best I can hope for. But he isn’t in tune with his wife’s emotional needs and that leaves us both strained. He hugged me and consoled me when he got home from work and I am grateful for it. But he didn’t understand why I just wanted to mope, sulk in my self-pity and cry.

So, I cried myself to sleep last night. I took a couple of sleeping pills to help ease my mind and heart and woke up this morning as if nothing had happened. But little does anyone know, a lot happened yesterday that bruised me further and pushed me one step deeper into my depression.

My blog is all I have; it is my companion, my slate to write every emotion, every frustration, every fear without sympathizing with me, without comforting me, without consoling me. My blog is my shoulder. With or without the readers that constantly visit my blog, my blog will not change or judge me. I appreciate my readers and supporters; for many of you have provided your love, sympathy and support for so many of my life events. But today, I don’t want sympathy, I want to sulk and cry. Thank you for letting me do that today.


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Juice Cleanse: Day 1

JuicesAs you all know, I’ve started the Freshii juice cleanse again. I’m challenging myself to lose 20 lbs. by the end of May, to fit into a new dress I recently purchased. What better way to kick-off a weight-loss challenge than by cleansing your body? I love Freshii’s juices, they taste great and are always made fresh right in front of you. The price is slightly steep but the taste is absolutely worth it.

For those of you that are newcomers on my blog, this is the second time I’m doing this juice cleanse. You can read the results of the first HERE and there are links for the daily details listed below.

Here are my day one results and thoughts:

7am – Green Energy Juice
This is a delicious juice. But the tastes are strong and really wake you up in the morning. I enjoyed my first juice driving on my way to work.

8am – Large cup of black coffee
Although, the cleanse asks you to limit caffeine, I just cannot live without my morning dose of java. Instead of a regular coffee with milk and sugar, I opted for a black.

10am – Carrot Zinger Juice
I love this juice. Just as I start feeling the toll of waking up early, this juice seriously refreshes me and gets me going again.

1pm – Mighty Detox
This is a bit zesty and has a kick to it. But that’s probably why I enjoy it so much.

2pm – Medium cop of black coffee
I couldn’t resist. One cup is just NEVER enough!

3pm – Red Power Juice
This is my absolute favorite. I drink this every time I go to Freshii and its filling and keeps the hunger pangs away and keeps me going until dinner time.

6pm – Metaboost Salad
The quantity is just perfect and so is the taste. It definitely fills you up and prepares you for the next day.

There were a couple of times throughout the day that I felt the need to eat something. But decided to chew on some sugar-free gum instead. I kept myself well-hydrated with lots of water. But I did cheat and have an extra cup of coffee mid-way through the day. I feel, if I’m not adding sugar or milk, it’s not really cheating, right?

Day 1 was a breeze, but it normally is isn’t it? It’s easier to deal with hunger-pangs because your mind is determined to succeed and complete the challenge you’ve taken on. I just hope day 2 goes just as well.

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Ni’s 29th Birthday Letter

image1Happy 29th Birthday, sweetheart!

I can’t believe that you are almost a 2 and half years old and will be going to pre-school at the end of next month. Time has flown by so quickly and you are growing up so much. You’re making better sentences in both Hindi and English. The funniest is that you copy the way everyone talks, like when nani says “No” you like copying her and stretching out the no into Noooooooo. Then there are the times when you know just how to push my buttons and do everything mommy asks you not to. Right when mom is about to get angry, you start laughing and hug me and say “showwie”. I love the way you say showwie. It’s the cutest in the world.

Nani bought you a new tea set a few weeks ago because you always ask me if I want a double-double coffee. So, she decided she would get you your very own tea set to make coffee for me in. You and I have enjoyed lots of pretend coffee and tea and have lots of tea parties doing so.

I love watching daddy tease you and you fight him to let you go. I love seeing the two of you spend so much time together and laugh and giggle and play games. It’s amazing seeing the two of you together. He’s so in love with you and you with him. It makes me feel happy seeing both of you laugh and smile so much.

This month hasn’t been quite exciting. I guess, most months aren’t. Life is going as it should be and we are living as we should be. Sometimes, little things happen here and there that stir the routine. But then things get back on track and we move along. That’s mainly how this month has been as well.

You spent a couple of days last weekend at your grandparent’s house, mommy needed some rest since she hadn’t slept properly all week. Your grandparents enjoy having you over. You and nanu spend so much time doing mischievous things and teasing nani. They love you dearly and every time you come back home, they feel lonely without you. They always tell me that their home feels empty without your giggles. So, I’m shipping you over to their place this weekend too. They’ll enjoy their time with you and you always love being there as well. Plus, having nani and nanu take care of you, I’ll get to do my spring cleaning and seriously tidy up our home.

Anyway, sweetheart, know that mommy and daddy love you dearly. We enjoy seeing you grow and are blessed to have such an amazing little angel in our lives. Kisses!

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a stubborn desire…


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