Happy Birthday Nene

Happy birthday, my darling! Today, I wish you all the happiness in the world. I wish you good health, prosperity and so much love. I wish that every dream, every goal, every desire is fulfilled for you.

There are so many things I want to say to you but I just don’t know where to start. I would’ve never thought walking into that classroom a year ago, I was going to meet someone who would become such an important part of my life. Yes, this past year I have been blessed with a few very good girlfriends after years of searching for girls I can call mine. But the relationship that developed with you is beyond anything I had imagined I would ever get again.

My first best friend in Canada and the longest standing friendship I ever had was with a girl named Mel. She was my friend, my mentor, my sister. After my friendship with her ended, I never thought I’d find another Mel. 18 years later, here you are. The only difference is you sit on a higher pedestal than Mel ever did and forever will.

Without you being in my life this past year, I don’t know how I would have survived school, family, life. Seeing you everyday, all of our shenanigans, even our fights were what helped me get through some of the toughest days of my life and still are.

I know I say it all the time, but it’s important for me to say it today and for you to understand how sincere I am when I say that I love you with all of my heart. You are one of my blessings and I am forever grateful to Allah for bringing you into my life.

I love you so very much, doll! Happy Birthday! 💋💋💋💋


Rock Bottom

There is a time in our lives when we hit rock bottom, some of us more than once. Everything that you could think of going wrong, goes wrong. Every attempt to climb back up makes you slip down even further. You don’t realize how far down you can go until you slam face first into the ground and realize you have lost everything you spent so many years building.

When you look up from the bottom, the light seems far out of reach. You begin to lose hope. You begin to lose sense of reality. Everything that once made sense suddenly seems so stranger and confusing. And if you’ve got a destructive personality, you turn to self-sabotage. You’re already at the bottom, you might as well destroy the little bit of self you have left.

You know what you want and need to get back up but nothing works in your favour. Every opportunity to rebuild demolishes and becomes far out of reach.

So what do you do? How the fuck do you get back up? How do you rebuild? Forget turning the pages, how do you burn the goddamn fuckin book and begin again?

This is my dilemma. I am stuck; glued to the bottom. Every time I try to get up, I get pulled back down partially by my own demons, partially by situations. Every attempt is failing. Every hope is dying. I have lost all sense of reality and nothing is making sense anymore.


Happy Birthday To Me

A few days ago a friend asked what I was going to do for my birthday. Being in my depressed state of mind at the time, (I’ll explain why below), I told her I had nothing to celebrate. I told her we were going to skip my birthday this year.

But after hanging up the phone with her, I started thinking about her question and more importantly my answer. I did have a lot of celebrate this year. Although, things weren’t going as I had planned for the moment, I still had a very successful year.

A dream, a hope, a desire I had only imagined of and hoped for the past 16 years came true this year. It took everything in my power to make it happen, everything that could go initially wrong went wrong, but the matter of fact is that it finally happened. It changed who I am today and who I will be for the rest of my life.

Secondly, I gained five amazing girlfriends (Shauna, Seb, Nene, Rene and Sarah) this past year. I haven’t had girlfriends for many years and this year I was blessed with five, each one unique and just as important as the next. Each one of them brings out a different side of me. Each one has a connection with me that serves every aspect of my life. These girls have become by sisters and I am so thankful for each one of them.

I also finished my course and graduated with honours. It was a struggle going back to school yet again, but one I am proud of because I exceeded my own expectations.

Finally, my solo trip to Thailand and Malaysia. Who would’ve thought a year ago I’d be on the other side of the world, alone, experiencing a whole different life.

I guess, I had quite the blessed year. My life has completely changed. I may have lost people along the way but I have gained so much more than what I lost and I am so grateful for everyone and everything that has happened in my life this year!

Here’s to me and all my gains! 🥂

~Tamana xoxo 💕

Nid’s 7th Birthday Letter

Happy Birthday, my precious darling.

Today I wish you all the happiness the world has to offer. I wish you success and wisdom with everything you do. I wish you strength and tolerance to overcome every obstacle and fear. But most of all, I wish you love; may your heart forever be filled by it and may you always project that same love out into the world.

This past year you have grown so much as a young lady, sometimes working your magic on keeping me in line. Most days I wonder how I got so blessed to become your mother. You have been my strength this past year, helping me get through the many obstacles and fears that overcame my mind and heart.

The older you get the more I realize that I have a best friend growing before my eyes. You are the love of my life. You and I both know I never liked children, I still don’t today. But you, my darling, have taught me that there are little angels like you that fortunate mothers like me get blessed with which make loving children so important and necessary. You have taught me to love, to be patient and to accept what life gives me.

Your cleverness and intelligence makes me question my own intelligence. Your maturity makes me wonder which one of us is the mother and which one of us is the child. Your sassiness and wittiness has shown me a side of myself that I don’t know yet if I should celebrate or fear. But most of all, the love and affection you portray to me and the rest of the world has taught me to be a better person.

You are the blessing every mother asks for when praying for a child. Someone up there must really love me because I was blessed to have you come into my life.

I love you baby girl and wish you nothing but the best life has to offer. Happy 7th Birthday, Nid! Xoxo


Death and Rebirth

In astrology, the scorpion is known for its constant cycles of transformation, ruled by emotions and instinct. It stings itself rather than others, hence killing itself off and re-emerging stronger, wiser, more determined.

I have always believed in astrology and have taken the characteristics of my zodiac sign seriously. Maybe that’s why I find myself, time and time again, in transformation mode; killing my old self and giving birth to a new, wiser one.

This trip across the world made me realize that my soul is ready for another transformation. Everything I have been for the past few years, needs to change. My mindset and career are evolving. I have hit rock bottom. I am broke, unemployed, emotionally drained and physically unwell. My relationships are being tested, some intentionally, some due to the circumstances that have arisen.

Now that I’m at rock bottom, the only way to move is up, with or without anyone by my side. It’s become apparent, especially over the past few days that people will only stand by your side for so long. Some I would have never thought to leave my side, who would have stayed through no matter what situation arose, have proven me wrong. Others I thought would divide the moment the volcano erupted have stood steady becoming my pillars. Finally, there are some that have proven how ignorant I have been for so long. The masks have all come off and everyone is now recognizable.

Including myself.

I am no longer the Tamana I was three weeks ago. I am no longer the mother I was. No longer the wife, sister, daughter or friend I was. Every responsibility has changed. I died a million deaths over the past twenty days, each time killing a relationship and responsibility and with each death giving birth to a new relationship and responsibility. Assessments of every new relationship was made and given the priority it required.

The highest priority given to self because the death of that Tamana taught me that without a rebirth of an improved, determined Tamana none of those priorities or relationships would matter.

Here I stand with the death of the old and rebirth of the new Tamana; the writer, the self-efficient, independent woman with her priorities in order and self-awareness higher than ever. Like the scorpion, her stinger is raised, ready to attack anything and anyone that threatens her or her peace.


Kuala Lumpur Adventures

This week I have ventured to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I’m staying at a mediocre hotel in the heart of the city in Bukit Bintang. My hotel isn’t the greatest but the location is perfect. It’s situated in the middle of a food street and close enough to many central attractions.

In walking distance I have the option to try all types of cuisines; from authentic Malaysian to Arabic and even Indian, Pakistani, Bengali, Italian and Chinese. Or I can stick to the basics and eat from famous western food chains and even grab street food. There are tons of street vendors and large retailers nearby. There’s also a mall nearby but we all know I hate malls, so I’m not even trying to venture into there. But it does consist of all the top designers and brands.

As for the weather, well let’s just say October is not a traveller’s month to venture into Asia. It rained uncontrollably in Phuket the whole week that I was there and now in Kuala Lumpur. Thankfully, I’m in the center of the city and can easily get around even if it’s raining.

A couple of days ago, I ordered a Grab car (similar to Uber in North America) and went to see the Petronas Towers and Suria KLCC mall. The towers are absolutely spectacular and the surrounding buzz of the city is everything you would expect from a metropolitan city. But behind the towers lies a beautiful park and water fountain. The towers are surrounded by all the big hotels and have tons of great restaurants in near walking distance.

Then I ventured into the Suria KLCC mall. It felt like I was in the Eaton’s Center in downtown Toronto with all the designer brands and crowd. Of course I didn’t go shopping but it was nice to walk around. But I did have one of the best Affogato’s of my life. For those of you that don’t know what an Affogato is, it’s a double espresso shot with ice cream. I added a rich dark chocolate ice cream to mine and as the ice cream melted in the hot espresso it was a taste to die for!

Well, lovelies, my trip is over and I am flying to Phuket, Thailand tomorrow because that was my original destination from Toronto, so I have to flight out to of there to get home. From Phuket I’ll be flying to Shanghai, China and then finally back home to Toronto. I’m looking at a hell of a journey back, almost 30 hours of fly time and layovers before I make it home. Sigh! But the trip was worth it, my writers block is now unblocked, I have penned out the chapters of my book in good detail and gave myself a lot of time to clear my emotions and mind; which was extremely necessary considering the craziness that has been this year.

Now on to finish packing and getting a goodnight’s sleep before the crazy journey home. I’ll try to write again soon, especially about all the amazing food I tried on this trip! Until then, stay bless and check out my Instagram page for highlight stories and images from my trip (@ziddi)! Xoxo


Phuket To Kuala Lumpur; The Adventure Continues

I stayed at a beautiful retreat in Phuket, Thailand for a few days. Got much needed sleep, relaxation and my writers block unblocked. But it rained uncontrollably and so I never left the retreat except to pick up food and supplies. Quite unfortunate being in a beautiful city surrounded by beaches and culture and not being able to see it.

Fortunately, as I was driving to the airport yesterday morning my wandering eyes caught a glimpse of the Big Buddha statue. High up on a mountain, in all its glory, I was blessed to see the one thing I had my heart so eagerly set on. Although it wasn’t a close up view, I’m still glad and thankful that I got to see it and take a photo of it.

For those of you that don’t know, the Big Buddha statue is one of the most important landmarks in Phuket. It is beautifully constructed of white marble and is a 45 meters tall statue; which cost over 30 million Baht to make. It can be seen from as far away as Phuket town and Karon Beach. Here’s a close up picture of the statue from www.phuket101.com since I wasn’t able to get close enough myself.

If that wasn’t enough, I also managed to get a passerby glimpse of Wat Chalong temple, my other must-see sight. Again, not the view I wanted, regardless, I still got to see it and take a picture. The Wat Chalong temple, built in 1837, is one of the largest, most visited and important Buddhist temples in Phuket. According to www.ithaka.travel, it was built and funded by a large group of monks. Two monks known for their healing powers, Luang Pho Cham and Luang Pho Chuang were part of those monks. It is said that even today, the temple is known for its healing power.

Aside from the historical information, the temple is beautifully architected, the grand pagoda is about 200 feet tall and houses a part of Lord Buddha’s bone. The walls, ceilings and pillars are painted with beautiful paintings retracing Buddha’s steps.

So, this trip to Phuket wasn’t completely a waste no thanks to the horrible weather. At least I got my writing groove back, straightened out my emotions and head and got much needed sleep.

Now I’m in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia for the next 10 days. I arrived early this afternoon and the weather was perfect, except it started raining as soon as I got settled into my hotel room. Sigh! Just my friggin luck. Thankfully, I’m in the heart of the city, Bukit Bintang and surrounded by a foodie’s paradise. I’ll tell you more about Kuala Lumpur once I start venturing out tomorrow. For now, I need some sleep. Stay blessed and stay tuned for more details, or better yet, go follow me on Instagram (@ziddi) and see the awesome pictures of my trip. Xoxo


a stubborn desire…

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