It’s Time To Walk Away

“When resentment takes over; it’s time to walk away.

When unfulfilled expectations build-up; it’s time to walk away.

When you’ve exceeded the limits of begging; it’s time to walk away.

When your throat is sore from yelling and fighting for what should be rightfully yours; it’s time to walk away.

When the tears have dried and only fire burns your eyes; it’s time to walk away.

When you’ve exhausted all means of communication; it’s time to walk away.

It’s time to walk away, when you realize your self-worth.

It’s time to walk away, when you realize you deserve so much more.

It’s time to walk away!”

–Tamana

Alone – Random Thoughts

My mind has been playing games with me daily, I have been having extreme highs and even more extreme lows. One day, I appreciate the world, the things around me, the people that haven’t strayed away from me and the things I have. The next day, I feel confused, baffled by my lack of energy and determination to go on, alone, depressed and a general hatred for humanity.

I have put myself in situations that may seem stupid or unnecessary to an onlooker, but deep within the depths of my soul, I know these situations were a long-time coming. I stirred the pot and am now paying the consequences of my interference.

But I have come to realize that when you want a change, when you want betterment, when you realize your self-worth and demand it from the people and things around you, it becomes a journey you have to go through alone.

Yes, there are a few souls I am blessed with who check-up on me from time to time, wanting to make sure I am still here and wanting to know that I haven’t let my darkness overcome my soul. These souls, I am ever so grateful for.

However, I cannot be completely open with any of them. I have found myself hiding bitter details from every one of them, whether it’s one thing or another. The soul that truly knows me is the one I hide my miseries from the most because that soul is burdened by their own situations and wouldn’t be able to carry the weight of mine along with theirs.

So, on the nights when my soul and being is dark, low and disturbed, I find myself feeling extremely low and yearning to let everything out. The weight of these burdens feels overwhelming and exhausting causing me to feel alone.

In this moment, the loneliness I feel is beyond any loneliness I have ever felt.

I am coming to realize and understand (slowly), that this is a journey I need to go through alone. No one can save me from the situations I have caused, except for myself. I just wish that all the energy, love and time I had sacrificed for others was reciprocated right now, because fighting your demons on your own is a lonely and scary scenario to overcome.

But I still stand alone and will stand alone for as long as it takes to overcome this chapter of my life because as the saying goes:

“This too, shall pass.”

~Tamana

Happy New Year!

May the new year bring you a fresh start, peace, happiness and love.

May you leave behind misery, depression and everything that has held you back in 2019 from reaching your true potential.

~Tamana

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you and your family, from me and mine! I hope this Christmas brings you all the love and joy you’ve asked Santa for.

We’re having a quiet one this year. Lots of changes in the works, so decided to keep it quiet while we figure out what the new year is about to bring us. But my little munchkin had an amazing time unwrapping her gifts and seeing the joy on her face reassured me that it’s all worth it in the end.

Stay blessed and cherish your loved ones this holiday season, for the best gifts are the ones that cannot be bought. Xoxo ✨❤️🎄✨

~Tamana

Living Our Best Fake Lives

A couple of days ago I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I have been an active member of Facebook for over nine years. However, over the past couple of weeks, I realized that everything we post on Facebook and other social media platforms is only partially true. We are all living our best fake lives when sharing them on social media websites and apps. We never post pictures of the depression we deal with or the miseries and setbacks we encounter.

Why is that?

Why is it that we must show the world our very best and not things that make us weak or fragile? After all, each and every one of us struggles with something or the other. But why is it that we only capture the good things that happen to us and share those? Why is it okay to suffer in solitude but celebrate in a crowd?

I recently read a quote that said:

We are a sad generation with happy pictures. – author unknown

The quote struck a nerve with me and resulted in me deactivating my Facebook account. I am tired of showing family and a few very close friends only the partial truth of my life. Yes, my Instagram account is still active and I post on it frequently but do you know what the difference between my Facebook and Instagram account is? My Facebook account had all my family from overseas on it and Instagram has a few friends, many acquaintances and tons of strangers on it. On Instagram I am open about my feelings and miseries, I frequently share quotes about things that may be happening in my life at the moment. Quite frankly, on Instagram I don’t care if anyone judges me because they are not family. But on Facebook, I posted the happy family moments, shared my achievements and celebrations. Because somewhere deep down I know that if I shared the miseries or full reality of my life, I would be judged by my family.

How pathetic is that? We wear a mask in front of our family and bare it all for complete strangers. But that is the reality many of us are living.

With all the changes happening in my life right now, I decided I didn’t want to pretend to be a happy person just for the sake of not being judged, so I deactivated my Facebook account. The family that wants to stay in touch with me will do so by other means and if they actually care enough to know what the full reality of my life is they’ll contact me and ask. Simple as that.

I’m done pretending that I’m living my best life, when in reality that isn’t the truth. Everyone has ups and downs in life, some more than others, either way, we all struggle. So, why put on a show pretending that all is perfect and well when the truth is far from that?

~Tamana

Rock Bottom

There is a time in our lives when we hit rock bottom, some of us more than once. Everything that you could think of going wrong, goes wrong. Every attempt to climb back up makes you slip down even further. You don’t realize how far down you can go until you slam face first into the ground and realize you have lost everything you spent so many years building.

When you look up from the bottom, the light seems far out of reach. You begin to lose hope. You begin to lose sense of reality. Everything that once made sense suddenly seems so stranger and confusing. And if you’ve got a destructive personality, you turn to self-sabotage. You’re already at the bottom, you might as well destroy the little bit of self you have left.

You know what you want and need to get back up but nothing works in your favour. Every opportunity to rebuild demolishes and becomes far out of reach.

So what do you do? How the fuck do you get back up? How do you rebuild? Forget turning the pages, how do you burn the goddamn fuckin book and begin again?

This is my dilemma. I am stuck; glued to the bottom. Every time I try to get up, I get pulled back down partially by my own demons, partially by situations. Every attempt is failing. Every hope is dying. I have lost all sense of reality and nothing is making sense anymore.

~Tamana

Happy Birthday To Me

A few days ago a friend asked what I was going to do for my birthday. Being in my depressed state of mind at the time, (I’ll explain why below), I told her I had nothing to celebrate. I told her we were going to skip my birthday this year.

But after hanging up the phone with her, I started thinking about her question and more importantly my answer. I did have a lot of celebrate this year. Although, things weren’t going as I had planned for the moment, I still had a very successful year.

A dream, a hope, a desire I had only imagined of and hoped for the past 16 years came true this year. It took everything in my power to make it happen, everything that could go initially wrong went wrong, but the matter of fact is that it finally happened. It changed who I am today and who I will be for the rest of my life.

I also finished my course and graduated with honours. It was a struggle going back to school yet again, but one I am proud of because I exceeded my own expectations.

Finally, my solo trip to Thailand and Malaysia. Who would’ve thought a year ago I’d be on the other side of the world, alone, experiencing a whole different life.

I guess, I had quite the blessed year. My life has completely changed. I may have lost people along the way but I have gained so much more than what I lost and I am so grateful for everyone and everything that has happened in my life this year!

Here’s to me and all my gains! 🥂

~Tamana xoxo 💕