I Ripped The Bandaid Off – Part 1

I know, I have been MIA on my blog, posting randomly whenever I feel like it, without any consistency. I know, that this has gone on for quite some time (at least the better part of the past two years). I know, I have mentioned numerous times over the past year that I made a huge decision; which altered my life and brought my world tumbling down. However, I have yet to disclose what that decision was on my blog and have said I will let you all know when the time is right or when I am emotionally capable of speaking about it openly.

It has been over a year since I made my decision and although the results of my decision have not yet manifested, they are in the works and I am a bit more emotionally stable to begin discussing. However, this is going to be a long process; therefore, I will do it in multiple parts. Please bare with me as I write and post these parts, as this is still extremely hard for me to talk about.

Ten years ago, I met a man I thought would be my happily ever after. Although, I knew my soul mate was someone else, I really thought this man would replace my soul mate and would be the final chapter of my romance novel. In a rash decision of losing my soul mate a second time and believing that it was love at first sight with this man, he moved in with me within months of knowing each other. Less than a year of being together, we got married in court and had a small Hindu ceremony without telling any of our family’s.

Later, he asked my father for my hand in marriage, we got engaged and had a semi-big, fat Indian wedding in Pune, India. A few days after I came back home to Toronto from my wedding, I found out I was over two months pregnant. Honestly, I had my period the first month or so I thought it was my period. The second month, I thought the stress of the wedding and leaving work for three weeks just pushed my period back. The third month the same thing.

But when I came back from India, I got sick and decided to ask the doctor to add a pregnancy test to the blood work for the sake of it. I doubted I was pregnant. I mean, I didn’t feel pregnant and believed the lack of menstruation was due to stress. However, to my surprise the pregnancy test came back positive and indicated that I was over two months pregnant.

My husband and I had just started our lives together and now we had a baby on the way. I thought to myself, that Allah works in mysterious ways and maybe this was all a blessing. I accepted whatever came to me through this marriage and life with gratefulness and thanked Allah for the darling angel I was about to be blessed with although, in the back of my mind, I knew I wasn’t ready to have a baby, both physically or emotionally.

Throughout my pregnancy, I started noticing a change in my husband. I ignored it. I excused his behavior and the emotional disconnect from me as being overwhelmed by the marriage and sudden pregnancy. Then the baby came and we were so involved with her. The first three months were pure torture, as she was colicky and wouldn’t sleep. The lack of sleep between the three of us, pushed me and him further and further apart.

The romance, the intimacy, the compassion, the sex all started happening very rarely. But I thought, as my little angel grew up a little, the hubby and I had to adjusted to being parents, and that eventually, things would get better between us. They didn’t.

I tried very hard to be the perfect wife. I celebrated every occasion above and beyond his expectations; while he contributed minimally. We had dinner parties and celebrations, and went out for dinner weekly, and did everything that happy, normal couples do. We were the perfect little family the world had seen. Friends and family always complimented our relationship and family. We were so chill and easy-going in front of everyone. Plus, our daughter was being raised gracefully. We were that picture-perfect family you see on picture frames at Walmart or the Dollar Store.

But behind closed doors, he slept on a mattress on the ground in our bedroom, while my daughter and I slept on the bed. Eventually, she moved into her crib and he stayed on the floor mattress. He acted like a friend living with me and never fought with me about the problems we never spoke about in our marriage. He didn’t hit me or abuse me verbally. But he denied me the basic requirements of a marriage.

I fought for it for five years. I cried to him. I begged him. I screamed and yelled. We were married. Compassion, intimacy, lust, love, sex, romance were my rights in this marriage. But I didn’t get any of them.

On the fourth year of fighting, during my brother’s wedding reception, I got extremely drunk and smoked up a bit. My husband didn’t bother to give a shit. When we got home, I begged him to treat me right and tried to speak about the problems in our marriage and he rejected me, pushed me out of the way and walked away and went to bed.

The rejection hit me hard and I fell to the ground in the bathroom, cried my heart out, fell asleep on the bathroom floor, only to be awoken by him banging on the door the next morning because he had to take a shower to get ready for work. He didn’t ask me anything about being in the bathroom all night or why my eyes were all swollen, or why I had razor cuts all over my arm. He just walked passed me, closed the door and proceeded to brush his teeth and shower and get ready and leave for work.

That day, I realized my marriage was over. Before he left for work, he was about to give me the same little peck on the lips like he did every day but I stepped back the moment he stepped forward. I told him to never try to kiss me again, to never lie to me and say that he loved me again and to never touch me again. I told him it was over. He didn’t say anything back to me and just left…to be continued…

I will have part two posted later this week.

~Tamana

Happy New Year!

Happy 2021, darlings! I hope the new year brings you so much happiness, prosperity, good health and lots of love. I hope you accomplish all the goals you set out to achieve this year. I hope you get closer to your deen (religion) and your Creator and fill all, if any, spiritual and emotional voids that have been created inside of you. I hope you leave misery, depression, stress and anxiety far behind in 2020. I hope you begin the new year with a fresh perspective and a hopeful heart. Ameen.

What a year 2020 has been. So many terrible mishaps, so many lives lost. Our world brought to a standstill. All of us have had our lives suddenly halt and changed, possibly, forever. We have experienced so many different scenarios and emotions this past year. Who would have known? However, hopefully, most of us and our loved ones have made it into 2021 stronger, wiser, with a better appreciation for the little things in life and understanding of what is truly important.

For me, 2020, wasn’t a completely bad year. Yes, I made drastic decisions that have altered my life. Yes, I have lost family and friends throughout this year. Yes, financially, it was one of the hardest struggles to survive daily. Yes, my health gave me multiple scares and tortured me again and again (Alhumdullilah, nothing serious came of it). Yes, my mental health deteriorated and put me in crisis more than once.

However, I was also blessed to have spent some very precious days with my soul mate. Amidst the pandemic, I fulfilled a lifelong dream to visit Lahore, Pakistan. I had waited for 17 years to finally visit it and Alhumdullilah, although the pandemic was going on, everything worked out in an amazing way and I found myself traveling through Lahore for 15 days. It was an absolute amazing experience. I have pictures and videos on my story posted under LHE on Instagram if any of you wish to see details of my trip. Click here to see my Instagram profile (@ziddi). My account is private, however, if you send me a message letting me know that you’re one of my readers off my blog and then send me a friend request, I will gladly add you to my account.

Aside from this amazing experience, I also got to spend tons of time with my little kiddo this year. We had so many lazy quarantine days, ample of junk food, thanks to UberEats and long walks and hikes through nearby parks. We also watched so many movies and created tons of crafts. Virtual school has definitely been quite challenging; however, we are slowly making it work.

So, all in all, it wasn’t a completely horrible year, for me at least. I am hoping that 2021 is an even better year. I pray that the decisions I have made in 2020 bring beautiful results in 2021 and I can finally have the happiness I have begged the universe for. I hope physically and mentally, I heal and become stronger. I pray, my deen becomes stronger than it ever has. I hope I am brought closer to my Creator and religion and all the goals and decisions I make moving forward turn out the way I had hoped they would. Ameen.

Happy New Year, darlings!

Happy Birthday To Me!

This post is late because, well, life happens and I didn’t have enough time to write it. My birthday was on the 15th of November, but here it is now.

This was one of the most precious and bitter sweet birthdays of all. I’m with my best friend; which is absolutely amazing and I’m having the time of my life. But I’m away from my little munchkin and that hurts my heart. I miss her dearly, even though we’ve been talking and FaceTiming every day.

This past year has been quite the year! I took a major decision that will alter mine and Nid’s lives forever; Insha’Allah for the better. I have lost many friends and family this year, however have gained some as well. The people I never thought I would cut out of my life have been cut out and the people I would have never thought would become some of the dearest people to me have become just that.

I travelled during this pandemic. I got to see a country I could have never imagined that I would see but I did and it was absolutely amazing!

Corona has brought the world to it’s knees and made all of us appreciate and realize what the importance of life is. It gave me a chance to spend so much time with my little pumpkin and have so many lazy, yet fun times at home with her. We spent endless days on the balcony, we went for walks, ate a ton of junk food and laughed and cried through this pandemic. It scares the hell out of me to think of how many people have lost loved ones this year but Alhamdullilah, I am not one of them. I honestly pray for our world. I pray no one loses a loved one to this virus. I pray we all make it out in one piece after this all over with a better appreciation of everything we have that we’ve all taken for granted. Insha’Allah it will all be over soon and life will return to some sort of normalcy in 2021.

As for my birthday, like I mentioned, I spent it with my best friend and some friends that have become like brothers to me. I was surprised with the perfect piece of chocolate cake, roses, and a custom made, hand drawn picture of one of the most precious moments in my life. It was perfect. The only missing element was my little darling. But she sent me cute iMessages from her iPad and FaceTimed me to make my day even more special and perfect.

Insha’Allah the following year will be even more blessed than this one was. Thank you all for continuing to read about my adventures and life. I am so thankful for all of you. ❤️

~Tamana

Nid’s 8th Birthday Letter

Happy Birthday, Babygirl! ❤️🥳😘

What a year it has been! A lot has happened and a lot has changed. However, the most important thing is that we are healthy, safe and getting through everything together.

You have grown so much this past year. The older you get, the more your personality is developing and it is amazing to see what a beautiful person you are starting to become. Yes, we have had some issues with your listening skills. But I’m sure, those will improve as time goes by and you properly understand the importance of listening to your elders before making objections or complaining.

The coronavirus has left all of us stuck at home and locked up. I know, it’s been a boring summer and year overall and I also know that I promised to take you to Cuba for your and my birthday this year. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to because of all the lockdowns and the other things that are happening in our lives. But I promise, next year, if the coronavirus is gone, you and I will take a mommy-daughter trip somewhere hot and exotic.

To be honest, this year hasn’t been a complete waste as you have gained two very important people in your life; your god mother, Nene and your god father, Baba.

As you know, Nene has been a good friend of mine for the past couple of years, however, last year on my birthday, when me and her went out for lunch, I asked her to be your god mother and thankfully, she accepted. She’s a very kind and loving person and I know, she’ll spoil you with love whenever she can. God forbid something ever happens to me and I can’t be by your side, I promise, Nene will be there. The two of us together will forever hold your hands and guide you through life.

Your god father, whom you call Baba, has been my best friend 17 years and even though you haven’t physically met him yet, he loves you so much. Hopefully, next year, when this pandemic is over, he’ll come visit us or we’ll go visit him together and you can spend some time with him. When the time comes, you’ll realize how much fun you’re going to have with him and yes, he’ll even let you put makeup on him and do his hair in all funny ways. But for now, you can keep talking to him online and know that he will always be there for you, just like I am.

So, as you see, this year hasn’t been a complete waste. Plus, you and I have had lots of fun at home together. We’ve made tie-dye shirts, explored the paths in our area, cooked so many different breakfasts together, watched endless shows and movies and played so much Roblox.

I hope the year ahead is just as fun and exciting for you. I hope the challenges you are facing right now, turn into lessons and you gain wisdom from them. I want you to know that no matter what happens in your life, mommy will always be standing beside you to guide you every step of the way. I am your biggest supporter for everything you want to try and will help you whenever I can.

I love you so much, my darling, Nid. Happy 8th Birthday!

Love,

~Mommy

Product Review: Guerlain VoxBox from Influenster

I recently received the Guerlain Influenster Vox Box complimentary to try out. It consisted of an Anti-aging Toner, Foundation and Fragrance. I have been using all three for the past month or so and wanted to share my thoughts on each product.

This fragrance smells like pure bliss! It’s a fruity, mild scent, however, lasts all day. Due to my sensitivity to fragrance and asthma, I spray very little behind my ears and on my wrists but it is more than enough to make you smell absolutely amazing and refreshed. Every time I have worn it, I have received tons of compliments. I would definitely purchase it, although the price is quite high ($92 CAD on Sephora.ca)

L’Essentiel – Natural Glow Foundation

This is my new favourite foundation! I do not usually wear foundation, however, I decided to use this complimentary one and give it a try. I have to say, my skin looked absolutely flawless. The colour matched my skin perfectly and the foundation itself made my skin look healthy and radiant.

I have very dry and sensitive skin, which is why I have to be careful with what I put on my face. This foundation didn’t leave my skin feeling dry, tight or flaky. It stayed out all day, just as advertised and was easy to apply and blend.

I would definitely purchase this again. The price is steep; however, a small amount goes a long way and blends exceptionally well. ($67 CAD at Sephora.ca)

Abeille Royals Anti-aging Lotion Toner

This toner smells amazing! I wish there was a fragrance with this same scent; it would become my staple scent!

I have been using this complimentary toner for just about a month and I cannot say I am disappointed by it. It has kept my skin looking radiant, hydrated and feeling soft. I have not noticed much difference with my fine lines or wrinkles, however, I still love using it because of the way it smells and makes my skin look and feel.

I probably will not be purchasing it as the price is quite high and I didn’t see any reduction in my wrinkles or fine lines. However, I would recommend it for the smell, texture and the way of made my skin look refreshed. ($90 CAD at Sephora.ca)

I am so thankful to Influenster and Guerlain for giving me the opportunity for trying these products. They are high quality and every time I used the foundation or fragrance, I received tons of compliments and I would recommend both items.

Happy thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you and your family are doing great today and are enjoying this weekend together.

Our lives are made up of the people that surround us; whether they’re family or friends. Without these people we wouldn’t be able to get through the challenges or blessings this life puts us through.

These are my people and I am so blessed for each and every one of them. I wanted to shout out these darling souls that are in my life, that put up with all of my crap, that make me a better person with each of their unique ways of loving me.

I want to say thank you to each and every single one of them for everything they do for me, for the support they give me, for the love they’ve shown me and for taking care of me throughout my life. Without all of you, I wouldn’t be where I am today. So all I can say is thank you so much for being a part of my world. I pray to Allah that you are forever happy and as loved as you all make me feel.

~Tamana

Quick Vent About Covid-19

I haven’t written for a while. Honestly, I don’t have much to write about these days. Life is going as it should. Nothing new has happened, plus, I haven’t felt like writing lately.

With wave two of coronavirus now on the rise, I am annoyed by people’s lack of concern for the virus. Canada has had a pretty good hold on the number of cases and preventing it from spreading. However, people have started letting their guards down; which has resulted in a surge of cases here.

It’s absolutely annoying because now there are discussions of limiting gatherings and the potential for another lockdown. Ugh!

Also, schools opened up in Ontario over the past two weeks and already there have been over 20 reports of children and teachers being diagnosed with the virus. It’s scary thinking about the little children getting it. Although, I know that many children only have mild symptoms if any at all. It is still scary to think about though, especially being a mother myself.

I have decided to keep Nid at home and let her do virtual schooling. However, that has proven to be a complete clusterfuck so far as her school board hasn’t been able to hire enough teachers. So, for now she is independently learning; which is making me want to pull my hair out. I can honestly say, I have a new found respect and appreciation for teachers and we’re only on day two of virtual learning. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I hope the school board hires enough teachers as soon as possible. I feel like Nid is beginning to forget things having been out of school for so long.

Well, my darlings, that’s all from me right now. Thanks for hearing me vent it out. I’m sure many of you are annoyed as well with situations occurring in your cities and countries. However, I pray you’re all taking all the necessary precautions and keeping yourselves and your loved ones safe. 🙏🏼

~Tamana

a stubborn desire…

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