Sometimes You Just Want To Be Alone

Being married and a mom means I barely get anytime alone. Not even bathroom breaks are  excuses to be alone. If your husband doesn’t come barging in, your kid will definitely find you hiding away and taking longer than you should because all you want to do is sit thoughtlessly for 5 minutes by yourself. But it doesn’t happen.

The need to be alone grows greater and greater, until it finally explodes and leaves you feeling hopeless and strained. You get terribly emotional and all the emotions burst out in a rage. Then you feel guilty for letting yourself get to that point and promise to give yourself more time to yourself. But it never happens and you keep going through this circle of wanting to be alone, letting it go too long before actually taking action and then exploding and finally feeling guilty. 

I barely ask to be by myself. But sometimes I just want an evening to myself; childless, spouseless. It doesn’t happen though. The only alone time I get is the 45 minutes after work, before I have to pick up Ni from daycare and Sunday mornings when I forcefully get up at 5am to do laundry. But during both of times, I am doing housework, so it doesn’t really turn out to be the alone time I want and need. 

I’ve mentioned to D numerous times that I want to be alone, maybe go for a late night drive by myself. But he always reacts in a way that makes me feel guilty for leaving him and Ni alone, or he’ll say something like, “Ni and I will come with you, it’ll get us out of the house too.” Well, he doesn’t get that’s not alone time and defeats the purpose of wanting to go on a drive. 

I just want to go for a friggin drive, by myself, with a coffee and pack of smokes with my favourite cd playing, without a destination in mind or any time constraints. Is that too much to ask for? I just want to be alone sometimes!

I Dyed My Hair Purple

  Randomly, on Monday night I decided to dye my hair purple. It was an impulse decision to finally do it but I had been thinking about it for quite some time. I’ve dyed my hair many colours in the past but a full head of purple, never. 

I had Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off this week so it didn’t bother me that my hair was purple. But when Thursday morning came, I began freaking out and wondering what people at work would think about me. At first, I thought to myself to call it in sick, but quickly decided against that. Then I thought maybe tying it up in a bun would lessen the reaction i would receive. Finally, I said fuck it, I’m going as I am and it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks. 

I dyed my hair purple because I love the color but also because it was a scream for individuality. A scream to tell myself that I am still alive, that all this going on in my head will pass eventually, that with every wash the color would fade, as the issues and struggles with myself would fade. 

Every time I look in the mirror since Monday, I smile and secretly tell myself, “you’ve got some balls to be walking around with a head of purple hair”, and it makes me feel good. It makes me feel like myself before this episode of depression took over my mind and soul. 

Baby steps, remember? Baby steps to one day of happiness at a time. Clearly, this wasn’t a very baby step, th was a bold, in your face, screaming step, but nonetheless, it was a step that lets me look at myself and smile for a few minutes each day. The color will fade sooner than later, semi-permanent after all, but the memories of having purple hair are being captured daily in photos and thoughts. 

Have you ever done something dramatic to get you through your anxiety, depression or battles with yourself?

Happy Canada Day!

Happy Birthday Canada! 

  I love this country and I love my city even more! This country has been good to me for many reasons and even though I was born in India, this is my home! 

Thank you Canada for being a great place to grow up and raise my child!

Small Wins

Being depressed 90% of the time really does its toll on you. You find little pleasure in things that brought delight to your heart just days prior. For me, depression has been an ongoing struggle for the past decade. I am a person of extremes, seldomly with in-betweens. I love to the extreme, I hate to the extreme. That’s how my depression is too. 

I have been trying hard to make myself feel accomplished, fulfilled with my day-to-day and looking for small wins to add to my happy list. Today’s small win was I finished the laundry, cleaned the bathroom, kitchen and both bedrooms before noon. It may seem to you that those things are so mediocre but for a person like me, going through what I am, those are my baby steps, small wins towards a happier, mentally-healthier life. 

I feel slightly less depressed looking at my clean house this afternoon and that’s a big deal for me. 

Do you have small wins that help you get through your depression? 

Depression And Not Much Else To Talk About

I went out this weekend, got completely shit-faced drunk and then spent the remainder of the weekend with a hangover. The baby was with my parents, thank goodness, plus I didn’t drive, so I was free to do whatever I wanted. I thought getting drunk and dancing at a club like I was single again and a teenager would make me feel better. It didn’t.

Nothing is making me feel better. I feel miserable at home and at work. My career is stuck with no growth potential left. I feel looked down at, as if the people that are now running the show don’t know my abilities and I doubt they care to know. Each day is such a challenge to get ready and make myself go to work.

At home it isn’t any better. Nothing seems right and I am just not happy with anything around me. 

I want to escape, alone for a while without worrying about anything. 

Even writing on my blog isn’t helping these days. I need a break! 

Recipe of the Week: Parmesan Eggplant

This recipe has been going around my Facebook timeline for quite sometime and so, I’ve decided to make it this weekend for D and I. I’ll be making some baked, spinach and feta stuffed chicken with it, garlic bread and these delicious Parmesan Eggplants. My colleague and friend mentioned that she makes these once a month for her family and they completely eat them out. It’s quick to make and I guarantee your family and taste buds will thank you for it.
Here’s what you need:

  • 1-2 large eggplants cut into thin slices
  • 1 1/2 cups Italian seasoned bread crumbs
  • 1/4 cup olive oil or olive oil cooking spray
  • 1 cup shredded mozzarella
  • 1/3 cup grated Parmesan
  • 1 cup pasta sauce
  • salt and pepper to taste (if you have garlic salt, that’s even better)
  • 2-3 cloves of garlic, peeled and chopped
  • 1 tsp. oregano and basil

Here’s what you do:

  • Rinse eggplant slices in salt water, place in strainer and let stand for 20-30 minutes or  until dry
  • Pre-heat skillet with olive oil and dip eggplant in beaten eggs and then coat with breadcrumbs
  • Cook eggplants until golden brown on both sides and place on paper towel to absorb oil
  • Preheat oven to 350°F. On a baking sheet, spray with olive oil, spread 1 cup pasta sauce, sprinkle with basil and oregano and layer eggplant
  • Sprinkle eggplants with cheese, add more pasta sauce and add another layer of eggplants, repeat until all eggplant slices in baking pan and layered with sauce and cheese
  • Sprinkle remainder of cheese over the top to get a nice golden crust
  • Bake for 30-35 minutes or until cheese is all melted and golden brown
  • Serve with chicken and garlic bread and enjoy!

 

Learning To Love Thyself, Again

When black clouds cover your skies and hopelessness takes over your mind, you begin disliking yourself. You dislike your surroundings. You dislike the people in your life. You dislike anything and everything that crosses your path. Everything turns ugly. Things you once appreciated become mere annoyances. You’re constantly frustrated and agitated easily. It takes all your might to find enough reasoning to get out of bed in the morning.

All this because you don’t like yourself. You haven’t loved yourself in as long as you can remember. You let how other people love you become more important than how you love yourself.

It’s hard to love yourself again. Especially, with those negative thoughts invading your heart. But to recover from the depression and anxiety, it is essential to push the negativity down, deep-deep down, so that a little hope of happiness can begin rising up.

It will take time. It cannot be done in one quick moment or even in a day. It will take many days, months even. But it will come. You just have to find a way.

I haven’t found my way, yet. I put on red lipstick this morning as an attempt for a little happiness, even a half-smile. It didn’t help. I will try something else. I read somewhere, make a happy list. A happy list is a list of all the things that make you happy, even if it’s only for a second or two. Add your favorite colors, foods, things to do, materialistic items; whatever can bring even the slightest of smile to your heart or lips.

I’m going to work on my happy list later today. Or maybe throughout the day when time permits. This will be my first step towards loving myself again.

 

a stubborn desire…

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