I used to write a lot. Whether it be in a diary or notes on my phone or on my blog; I always managed to take a few minutes to write my thoughts down. Lately, I don’t seem to have the energy to write anything. I’m always exhausted because of the work I do. But there are so many things always going through my mind and I feel like they are just building up inside of me. I need to release them before my mind explodes.
Here I am today. I woke up at 5:30am for no reason at all. I don’t know when I fell asleep after putting Nid to sleep last night. I don’t know when Dev got home and what he did after that. I was in deep sleep from exhaustion of the week that passed. I’ve been up for several hours now, drinking my second cup of coffee and smoking my fourth cigarette. I realized as I starred thoughtlessly at the sky that I need to write. My mind feels fogged up and with so many things on my to-do list I am not giving myself the break that I do badly need.
So here I am writing about the need to write instead of writing what is stuck deep inside my mind. I guess the fact that I am writing at all is enough for me to cope with everything that is going through my mind. Or maybe I’m just procrastinating to get my thoughts out in the open. Or maybe the thoughts I want to write about will hurt me or the people around me should I release them from within me.
When did I become so scared to say what I felt? I was never like this before. I never cared what others thought or what I outcome of my outpouring would be. So why now?
Motherhood. Wife-hood. Daughter-hood. Sisterhood. Friend-hood. Maybe all those relations and responsibilities have changed the way I express myself. Maybe those relationships are too sacred for me to hurt. Maybe as the years pass by and my responsibilities and relations strengthen I am losing that bold, outspoken, straightforward part of myself. Maybe I am losing myself little by little.
Maybe I miss me. Maybe that’s why I find excuses not to write anymore.
Tuesday was my 34th birthday and like every year I was super excited about it as soon as Nid’s birthday party ended. I don’t know what it is but my birthday always gets me excited. I don’t expect much from anyone anymore but still the fact that it’s my day still makes me happy and giddy.
I came home from work late on Monday night to find two bouquets of flowers on my dining table and two birthday cards. One bouquet and card from my neighbors who have become a second set of parents for me and grandparents for Nid. The second bouquet was from my hubby, the card hand picked by my little munchkin, who managed to even write my name on it. What an amazing way to start my day. If that wasn’t enough, the hubby had a cake and present hidden away to surprise me with when midnight arrived.
The next day, when I walked into work, a former colleague turned best friend who left for Japan earlier this month had left a birthday card with another colleague to give to me on my day. Her card brought me to tears because she remembered to leave me a card and bring back all the memories I have of us together.
Later that day, a frequent customer that I always chat with brought me a box of pastries. Her little gift was such an unexpected gesture and gave me another reason to feel blessed and happy for it being my special day.
When I got home in the evening, my dining table was set and dinner was waiting for me. But it wasn’t the hubby that had done all of it. In fact, my parents drove all the way from across the city to bring me a home cooked meal. My mom had made all of my favourite dishes including her amazing and my favourite desert and had set up my table with candles and all so that the hubby and I could have a nice candlelit dinner since we couldn’t go out for dinner that night.
I must say this year more than ever I felt blessed and loved like I haven’t in a long time. I didn’t get big fancy gifts and didn’t expect to either. But the few people I have in my life that I truly love, respect and live for and some I would’ve never expected anything from have showed me that growing old isn’t so bad and material gifts will just wear and tear or tarnish over time; but small gestures can make you feel so happy to be alive.
This was one of my best birthdays ever. I haven’t had so many tears of joy since the day my kiddo was born. I don’t want to jinx the blessings that are upon me but had to write about them and put them out into the universe so that everyone around me and near and dear to me knows how thankful I am for them and for my life.
I hope this Diwali lights up your life with happiness, love, prosperity and good health.
I hope you begin to live your dreams and succeed in everything you do this year. I hope your homes are filled with laughter, good food, great friends and the love of family.
Happy Diwali from my family to yours.
Happy Thanksgiving to all my Canadian friends and followers. I’m thankful for all of you. I’m thankful for my family and my friends. I’m thankful for the roof over my head, the food in my fridge, the money in my wallet and for my job. I’m thankful all the things I have and all the people in my life.
Dearest Kindergarten Teachers:
I don’t know how to begin my note as my heart is sore and eyes wet from seeing my little kiddo crying as she’s being pulled away from me at the gates of the kindergarten entrance. I know you have many other children to look after and your job is one of the toughest in the world. You take care of, nurture and teach our children many of the things they will need in their lifetime. I also know, some of you are overwhelmed with the amount of children you have in your class as the numbers increase year after year.
But I only have the one and she is my life, my happiness, my love and the reason for me being who I am. I would hope that when I come to drop her off and when she doesn’t so easily let go of my hand and tears pour out of her eyes, that you would show a little compassion for the two of us. I too try very hard every day to push back my tears as you or your assistant pull her away from me. I would hope that you could give me a minute to calm her down and reassure her that everything will be alright and that school is where she needs to be at this time.
I know you’ve done this a hundred times or more before. But me and my child have not and we are still adjusting. Please show some compassion and let me give my little one another hug before you take her away.