Lost

Did you ever lose yourself in other people and not be able to find your way back to yourself?

There comes a point in our lives when we twist and turn, mend and mold ourselves to become the perfection of someone else’s illusion. We become so involved in these people that we lose who our true selves are. We forget the things we like, the things we dislike. We forget what made us happy once long ago and what frustrated us.

The more we change and try to become this standard of perfection, we lose a little bit more of ourselves. Yet at the end of the day we come to realize that it’s never enough. You change your hair color because they don’t like it. You change the way you dress because they don’t think the clothes you have chosen for yourself aren’t appropriate enough. You even go as far as changing the type of jewelry you wear, the way you apply make up to your face or the length you keep your hair just because it’s not what they prefer.

And now you’ve changed so much that when they leave your life and move on without you, you don’t know how to rebuild yourself or go back to who you were. You keep telling yourself that I will become who I was back then before I met this person or let this person influence who I am. But it never really happens. You might begin listening to your favorite songs again or change your hair and clothes back to the way they were prior to this person telling you otherwise. But somewhere deep down inside, you keep looking at yourself in the mirror and realizing that this is not how that person thought of or saw me.

What I don’t understand is why there is no unconditional acceptance left in this world. If I smoke too much, if I drink past my limit every once in a while or if I dress a certain way which makes me feel beautiful, why can’t they just not accept it?

I mean, we accept them as they are. We accept the fact that they aren’t 100% perfection. So, why can’t they do the same? Why must they imply changes on us? Why are we not enough?

I refuse to change myself for anyone anymore. You want to love me, then love me with all my faults. You want to spend time with me, then spend time with me even though I’m messed up. I will not change who I am to satisfy your fantasy or illusion of perfection.

If you can’t love me this way, then who is to decide if the changes I make will be enough for you to love then?

I am not who I was 4 years ago. But I am slowly finding myself. I am slowly remembering what I used to be and the importance I held for myself in my life. And the day I find myself again, I will be complete. I will be ME again. Not your illusion of perfection but MINE!

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