Insomnia

” Chronic inability to fall asleep or stay asleep for an adequate length of time.”

It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve slept a good 6-8 hours. 2-3 hours feel like a luxury now-a-days. Endless days and endless nights are tiring me out. I’m waiting for that exhaustion period when my body and brain just cannot function anymore and give into the sweet illusion of rest.

But it seems I have been cursed and rest is the furthest thing from me right now. I’ve passed out here and there numerous times sitting in the car or lying on my bed. But I cannot remember the last time I actually fell asleep and woke up rested.

It’s not like I’m in a state of depression or even a state of anxiety. I’m relaxed. I’m calm. I’m up and down. And my mind is clear when I’m lying on my bed. But I cannot shut it off. It’s constantly working away and keeping me wide awake. Thoughts of the past haunt me. Thoughts of the present flutter my stomach and leave me breathless and thoughts of the future leave me hopeful.

I just want all my thoughts to be shut off for a little while. Just long enough so I can relax, I can unwind, I can doze off long enough to feel my energy level go up.

All night long, I toss and turn, adjust my blanket and pillows this way and that. But still I cannot sleep. And then at the most weirdest moment during the day, I’ll fall asleep sitting with someone having a conversation. And the sweet soul will sit there and watch me sleep and not make a peep. 🙂 It’s a little flattering and embarrassing all at the same time.

But a mere 30 minutes will pass and my eyes will be wide open again. And that will be it for the day; those measly 30 minutes. Then I’ll get home all drowsy and feeling funny. Rush into my bedroom and plop on the bed as if I’ve been drugged so badly that I cannot stay in my senses. But the minute my body hits the bed, I’m up, wide awake again; as if I hadn’t felt drugged or intoxicated at all a minute before.

My mind is weakened. My heart feels heavy. My body drags along, soulless, lifeless. People are asking me questions, I cannot make out the words enough to answer. I’m being requested to do tasks and reports and I cannot figure out how I did these tasks and reports the day or week before. I’m getting into my car, ready to start the engine and my mind just goes blank. I cannot remember why I’m sitting in my car with my keys in my hand.

I feel like a lifeless corpse.

What’s happening to me? Tears flow randomly. Laughter leaves my lips pointlessly. Anger erupts within me meaninglessly.

I feel like I’m losing myself. My life has changed drastically over the last month or so. But now this newer change is slowly choking and suffocating me.

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