Daily Life Observations

  1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
  2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves ME.
  3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one just watched you walk down the street and turn around like an idiot.
  5. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
  6. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the word “Regards” again.
  7. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
  8. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
  9. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
  10. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
  11. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
  12. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  13. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
  14. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
  15. Was learning cursive really necessary? Like really?
  16. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”
  17. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
  18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
  19. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
  20. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  21. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  22. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  23. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
  24. Bad decisions make good stories.
  25. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the brand new special edition BARBIE that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
  26. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
  27. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
  28. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from; this shouldn’t be a problem….
  29. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day. (every day)
  30. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
  31. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
  32. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
  33. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
  34. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.
  35. I hate when I just miss a call from a crush or someone important at the last ring (Hello? Hello? damn!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
  36. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a WASTE!
  37. When I meet a new guy, I’m terrified of mentioning something he hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
  38. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
  39. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
  40. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists!
  41. If I am waiting for a call from a crush and he doesn’t call…I’ll call my cell phone from my house to ensure it’s still working.
  42. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
  43. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  44. I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
  45. Even if I knew your social insurance or debit pin number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
  46. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
  47. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
  48. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.
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