Finally I’m Confused Enough to Stop Thinking

One minute you’re sitting in someones arms feeling loved, cared for and just overall tingle and warm. The next, you’re sitting, wondering what-the-fuck they just said and how serious or sarcastic they were about it. One minute you’re looking into their eyes and falling deeper in love with them; the next, you’re staring out the window wondering if anything they do is actually real. One minute you have a smile on your face and feel all bubbly inside; the next you’re focusing so hard to stop the tears from escaping your eyes.

Yup, you guessed it; trouble in paradise one more time for me! Sigh! I wonder why I let myself get involved and why I let myself fall for him. He’s not a bad guy, not even close. He’s just confused and can’t figure himself out.

We’re playing this game of back and forth and it seems like when I get close to him, he pushes back and when he gets close to me, I pull back. It’s kind of a pain in the ass if you ask me. Neither one of us gives in and neither one of us pulls far enough to let go.

My problem is that I don’t want to pull back and I don’t want to let go. I want to jump in, blind-folded and straight up stupid. But I can’t! As much as it sucks to say, I just can’t jump in. He doesn’t let me. He’ll pull me so close and my feet will just leave the ground but then he’ll push me away by saying something bitter that he knows would bother me and I end up falling flat on my face.

You would think that I would’ve learned a lesson after the events that took place a few months ago. You’d think I wouldn’t be as stupid as to get so involved with someone so soon. But nope. Here I am again, standing at what looks like another dead-end. I know it’s too soon to decide whether the road actually has a dead-end in it or not. But I just can’t help it. It’s like life is rushing at me. Everything over the past few months has just happened so quickly and everything happening now is happening too quickly. As much as I’d like to pace myself and step back; my feet won’t stop, my heart won’t stop. It won’t stand still for a moment and analyze the situation. The stakes are too high to rush forward, blind-folded. Tell that to my heart. It’s over-taken my mind too.

So, here I am, mind, heart and all, falling again and I see no one near enough to catch me and that’s the sad truth. I know that I should probably not expect anything from anyone. I know I shouldn’t see someone below, standing there, waiting to catch me; but I do! Okay fine, I don’t but I want to!

The sadder thing is that I’m here mind, heart and all and he’s just “checking me out,” “seeing if we’re compatible.”

I’m gonna say fuck it and just close this silly chapter that has started out to be so bitter-sweet. So much easier said then done. The heart must have what the heart wants. I’m just so confused. I’m going to stop thinking about it! That’s it. Let nature take its course. I’m not giving up, that would be cowardly of me. But I’m not rushing forward anymore either. I’m going to reciprocate his actions and tactics. I know, tit-for-tat is not a fun game to play. But it’s not fun either when one person is falling and the other one is holding back.

I’m confused. “I am getting nowhere with you and I can’t let you go and I can’t get through.” – Ani Difranco


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