Depression Engulfs Me and Makes Me Cry

Seems as though everything and everyone around me today is making me sink deeper into this depression. I have everything and everyone I need, yet I feel alone and as if I have nothing.

I’m going to be homeless in a months time. My roommate is moving out and we’ve given our notice to terminate the lease. I haven’t found a place to live and I can’t afford the place I’m living in right now.

I have parents who have a beautiful, 4 bedroom home just down the street from where I live but I cannot go home. No matter how much I blame my parents for never inviting me back home after me living away from them for 3 years, I know it’s not their fault. Me not being able to go back home is the result of my own doing.

It still hurts that my dad never once asked me to come home. It still breaks my heart that I can’t find or afford a place on my own right now and I can’t turn to either of the two most important people in my life.

Money seems to come and go so quickly nowadays. I don’t understand where I’m spending so much and why I keep losing money. This is the second time in less than 2 months that money has just been misplaced or fallen out of my pocket.

I have been putting away money over the past few months so that I could prepare for my first and last month’s rent at the new place and I got close to $1100 and now I can’t find it! I have no idea where it went. FML!!!!! That’s got me pretty down right now too. I’ve searched and searched and turned my room up-side-down but it’s nowhere to be found!

Then there’s the all time classic issue to fuck with a person’s head and heart.

The guy that broke my heart, then ripped it out of my chest, chopped it up into a million pieces and then finally told me to fuck off, suddenly realizes he still loves me. Doesn’t that just make you want to die laughing?

Yeah, we remained friends. I don’t know why. But we did. And now all of a sudden he realized what I was to him? Then he has the nerve to tell me that he knows I’m happy with the new bf and he wants me to be happy and he’ll never try to interfere in my relationship with him.

Like come on!!!! You just did! When I finally get over you. When I finally get you out of my system, you turn around and tell me that you don’t know how you’ll find someone else like me? Like are you fuckin’ serious? Oh and just to point out the obvious, if you haven’t figured it out: NO! I am not reconsidering and NO! I am not having a cluster-fuck of emotions flowing through me. I just find it hilarious that he pulled the same thing that my ex-husband pulled on me a year after we got divorced. Sheesh!

Sorry! I had to vent. I’m just so sick and tired of people not knowing what they want and then realizing it when it’s too late. It depresses me to know the whole time I was giving my heart and soul to him, he was rejecting it and now, when I found someone I think I could love and am finally over him, he realizes he was an idiot. For haven’s sake, I could have told you that you were a fuckin’ idiot.

Whatever. I’m exhausted. My mind and heart are sore. I can’t stop the tears and I can’t talk to the new bf about all of this. He sees my eyes and knows somethings up. But I just can’t tell him. We’re not “there” yet. That’s another thing!

He’s let me into his world but only in the positive side of it. I know it’s a challenge trusting someone enough to let them see you vulnerable. I know he doesn’t trust me yet.

I do, though. I just cannot give into opening up to him when I know he doesn’t.

He’s still in the “checking me out” and “seeing if we’re compatible” phase of our relationship and I’ve moved ahead and started falling in love with him. He can’t figure out whether he wants me or not and I’m ready to give into it all. I’m falling so hard for him and I can’ stop it. And it pinches at my heart knowing he still can’t decide whether to let me in or not!

Okay! I have to stop writing about all of this stuff, right now! I finally get myself to calm down and stop crying and now those damn tears are showing up again. I’m going to get back to work and hopefully the BS the day has ahead for me will keep my mind away from all of this!

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