The depression has passed. The hopelessness has passed. I feel like a zombie. A dead, soulless body. My heart has its up moments but my mind has drifted so far beyond the little up moments my heart feels. I don’t know what to do anymore.
How does it happen that you have all these people around you that love you so much, yet you cannot find even one to turn to. I don’t want them to listen to my misery. I don’t want them to give me suggestions or “try” to solve my problems. I don’t want to ask.
I do not know who to ask. I feel stranded.
I am just pissed off at the world and everyone in it today. I refuse to list the things I have done for all of them. I didn’t do them hoping for favors in return. But I want someone to see that I am stranded and come bail me out. I want someone, anyone to offer to do even half the things I do for everyone else.
I keep saying I have no expectations from anyone. Yeah, anyone that I know. I never want any of them to feel that I have only done the things I have done for them out of spite in getting something in return.
But I need a miracle. I need a bail-out. I need someone to rescue me for once. I need a MIRACLE today. I don’t know how to pull myself out of the grave I’ve dug.
Did I do this to myself? Did I bring myself to a point where I can never turn to anyone I know and ask for help? And even if I could ask, would they help? Why has my faith been so lifted from the people I care so deeply about? Is it because of all the broken promises, the unfulfilled expectations? What? Why have I become this way?
I refuse to trust anyone. I refuse to show that I am vulnerable. I refuse to admit that I’m in trouble.
I don’t know where my life will take me tomorrow. I don’t know how I will survive tomorrow. I’m struggling once again. Today, I cannot find the strength to move forward. I feel lifeless. My heart is cold. My mind, numb.
What tomorrow holds no one knows. However, I cannot even foresee the near future.
Soulless and lifeless,