Reality Check

The New Year seems to not be taking off with the bang I had expected it to.  It’s not disastrous but it’s definitely not my cup of tea either.

Let’s start with NYE and NY day.  Instead of being wasted at some party with my friends, bf and family; I was packing and moving mine and my roommate’s belongings to our new homes.  That took up most of the night and most of the morning and afternoon.  The rest of the day was pretty much a blur as all of us were exhausted.

After that I got a mysterious message from someone I had never expected to talk to again in my life.  Somehow, my ex-husband managed to stalk and find me on Facebook and WordPress.  I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with him reading my blog and thinking we can be friends again.  I know people do bad things in their lives and mess up relationships on a daily basis.  But to be friends after being divorced and the hell he put me through?  Like what-the-heck?

We talked on Facebook and on the phone today.  Lots of memories came back of both good times and bad.  But do I really want my past in my present or anywhere near my future?  I don’t think so.  What has been left behind has been left.  There is no need to look backwards at this point.  Life doesn’t move backwards so why should I?  He thinks being nice to me and going down memory lane with me will do what?  Make me forget all the crap he did and said to me?  What am I supposed to just forgive and forget the hell he left me in?  What the heck was I even thinking by responding to him?

And to make matters worst, I’ve come to realize that I may be forcing a relationship onto D.  I’ve been very clear about my intentions with him and what I’m looking for.  But reality slapped me hard in the face today when I realized that I have not been listening to what he has said all along.  I got so caught up in the fact that I thought I had met someone who is perfect for me, someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with; that I didn’t bother to listen to what he was saying indirectly but all this time.  Now I feel stupid.  Yes, again!

The messed up thing is that I was/am so sure that this was it; this was the one.  And so I wanted to rush it.  Quite frankly, I’m just sick of having boyfriends.  Being with him just felt so right, so perfect. It was…it is just easy being with him. There are no complications. No worries. No stress. But I guess, perfection doesn’t really exist, huh?

I was thinking the other day that maybe it’s better to just go the arranged marriage route; parents or the girl find the guy.  The parents arrange the marriage with the guy’s parents.  The girl and guy meet.  They say yes or no.  If yes, they get engaged and weeks after that they get married.  Bada bing, bada boom.

But then my ex-husband contacted me today and I remembered that’s how mine and his marriage happened.  Reality check!  That’s definitely not the way to go.  However, finding a guy, getting to know him, becoming exclusive and then being together for 4 years just to find out that you’re in a dead-end relationship isn’t the way to go either.

Maybe I’ll just stay single.  I mean, really what’s the point in being married anyway?  You compromise half way to make things work.  You sacrifice time and things you love doing to make the other person happy.  You invest all this love, care, affection and yourself.  What for?  Is it all even worth it in the end?

One failed marriage, one broken engagement and 2 hopeless relationships later, my mind and heart tell me it’s better just to being single and continue having fun.

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