It seems like lately I am in a constant battle with my life. Every effort I make to fix the obstacles and issues in my path seems to go astray. Every time I think that I am finally making a difference, something new arises or something I’ve just fixed goes to hell.
I put on a front in front of everyone, a mask, so to speak. The mask of strength. The mask of a happy, lively character. The mask of lack of care of obstacles. But deep down inside of me, I am drowning in my own sorrows. There is a storm of discomfort within me; which won’t settle down. There is a constant feeling of anxiety and helplessness breaking me into pieces. My mind is always unsettled. My heart is always sore. My eyes, constantly clueless and staring into a distant space; searching for a world that either does not exist or that I am not allowed to find. But my face, my face is always glowing. My mouth is always smiling. The words coming out of my mouth are always full of life and youthfulness.
No one has looked deep in my eyes. No one sees the pain and stress in them. No one has taken the time to “get me”.
I won’t deny that D makes his efforts to ask me what’s the matter and why I’m so anxious and in constant distress. But I wish I didn’t have to explain it to him, or anyone else for that matter. I wish he and the others could just know what I was going through and not ask questions. I mean, I don’t hide my problems from him or anyone else in my life. All of them know the details of my stresses. I just wish they could understand what it’s doing to me.
I’m upset. I’ve drunk myself silly. I’m not acting normal – whatever normal is for me. Clearly there is something wrong. I’ve told you the things I’m going through. You see it with your own eyes. How about putting two and two together and figuring it out without having me spell each and everything out for you.
It’s not their fault. I know this. I am just too frustrated to have to explain it all. I can’t find solutions to my problems and them asking me or making obvious suggestions doesn’t help my situation. It just frustrates me a little more.
I don’t know how to deal with this life anymore. I’m slowly breaking and giving up. I can feel myself escaping. I can feel myself losing. I’ve dug myself so deep into this hole, I cannot find the way out.