Unable To Write Lately

I haven’t been able to write lately. There have been many things on my mind, plus work has been quite busy too. I’m very drained mentally by the time I get home lately and when I finally turn my laptop on to write, I cannot find anything inspiring enough to write about.

I’m taking a different approach this week. I’m carrying around a notebook and pen with me in my bag . If I get that inspiration throughout the day, at least I’ll be ready for it!

Just to give you all a quick update on current events in my life, here’s the run down:

D’s birthday recently passed. We had a lot of fun with the gang. I’ve started to write a post on my blackberry. But my phone was recently shut-off by my service provider due to lack of payment (totally different conversation). However, as soon as I get my phone turned back on, I’ll finish writing the details and post it up.

Besides that my financial situation has gotten slightly better. I just need to stick to my plan and hopefully, I’ll be much closer to being debt-free in no time. My plan is basically to live on a strict budget and not spend any money on anything other than coffee and cigarettes until I’ve completely gotten myself out of debt. I know this might eventually take its toll on me. But I just need to stay strong and stick to my gut. I had a little extra money recently, so I splurged and finally bought myself a few new pieces of clothing. Now, I just need to keep enjoying those long enough to get out of debt.

In addition, my vehicle is still causing me much unneeded stress. I dropped it back off at the shop yesterday as the “new-used” engine has been leaking oil, due to an uneven joint in the gasket. So, now the shop guy is getting a third engine to put in and hopefully, I’ll have my baby back this evening.

Next topic on the list of stresses/events: I’m a little bored of my job lately. Well, not exactly bored but I’d like to be learning and doing more. Plus I really need to be making more money for all my efforts. However, my boss keeps telling me there’s no budget for raises or promotions at this time. I’m hanging tight. I really like my employer, even with all the recent changes. It’s a well-reputable company to work for and it took me a long time of doing bullshit jobs to finally get here. So, clearly, I am not looking to leave to go to one of our competitors or anything, but I would like to do more in my career at this point.

And honestly, if I were to eventually think about leaving this company, there is really only one other company out there that I’m actually quite interested in working for. I won’t list the name as it’s one of our affiliates. But from what I’ve heard, this company is just as good, if not better than the one I work for. Well, like I said, I really don’t want to leave my current employer. I’ve built a reputation for myself here and have worked really hard since day one. I just wish the changes the company is going through would finally end and opportunities for advancement would arise quickly.

Last but not least, lately I have felt quite emotionally unstable and challenged. I am last in my social circle who is still single and it’s starting to take its toll on me and is making me very impatient. I know that I have talked about marriage for quite sometime now but I really cannot help this feeling of wanting to be tied into the bond. Everywhere I turn, someone is either getting engaged, married or has recently been married. The sad thing is though, I really don’t see it happening for me anytime soon.

Sure, D and I have talked about marriage. But he contradicts himself with every conversation we have on the topic. Sometimes, it’s in the near futures. Sometimes, it’s not for few more years. Sometimes, it’s not at all. And sometimes I just don’t understand it at all. To be honest, I am really starting to think that he’s very confused about me and us . And slowly, I’m starting to think that maybe there are other “prospects” on his plate; which is why he’s so confused when it comes to me.

The messed up thing about this whole marriage thing and me is that I don’t know why it matters so much to me now after all of this time. I mean, after the first time and for many years after that, I promised myself that I would never settle-down and get married again. I didn’t want to be tied-down and would rather have my freedom. But now, all of that has changed and I just can’t get marriage out of my mind.

I think the one thing that has really effected me was the fact that my ex-roommate just got married. Although, I am happy for her, I can’t stop myself from being jealous. (Stupid girl-instincts) But it’s true. My mind constantly thinks about it and I wonder, why her and not me? What’s wrong with me? Am I not the marrying type? Where’s my prince charming?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not so desperate to get married that I’ll marry any Tom, Dick or Harry. But I’d like to marry “him” who I’ve fallen so madly head-over-heels for.

Want to know something stupid? I’ve kind of already become D’s wife. I mean, somehow, my mind and habits have already adapted to being his wife. When he gets home, I’ve got dinner ready. I don’t necessarily weigh on him hand and foot, but I do. I do all those things an Indian wife does for her husband. You know, all those things our mothers did for our fathers. I even touch his feet every morning (I’ll explain the significance of that a little later in this post). Obviously, he doesn’t know, but I do.

And the stupidest thing is that he doesn’t act like my husband. Sometimes, he doesn’t even act like my boyfriend. When he’s in the zoned out split-personality part, he acts either completely oblivious of me even being around or treats me like I’m a roommate. No, I’m not complaining about him. I’m just stating the facts.

He has a weird, split-personality. At times he’s such a gentleman. He’ll take care of me and comfort me when I need it most. He’ll grab my hand and guide me over slippery spots and open doors for me. He even helps cook and offers to do the dishes every now and then. Then there are the times when he acts the complete opposite. He isn’t ever cold with me, but he’s been harsh and distant a couple of times here and there. There have also been times when I’ve felt as if I didn’t even exist for him, when we were sitting side-by-side of each other.

How could I forget our constant battle over Facebook? He refuses to acknowledge me as his girlfriend on Facebook. His excuse is that he doesn’t want his family to know about us yet and that when he returns home later this year, he will speak to them face-to-face first. But then on the other hand, he blurted out a few days ago that he has already spoken to his family about us. Oh, he completely denies ever saying that, now.

I’m not sure why it matters so much to me that the world know we’re in a relationship. Maybe it’s because I care what people think about me? Maybe it’s because I want to tell everyone that I am finally happy in a relationship? I really don’t know. It just bothers me though. I mean, I’m not even really allowed to post anything on his wall or if I do, I have to be very cautious of what I write. I’m not allowed to post any pictures of us together. I’m technically not even allowed to really acknowledge that we know each other besides being casual friends. It’s a little iffy and it bothers me a lot. We’ve talked about it many times, he doesn’t really  care that it bothers me. He’s made his decision and he won’t change it for anything. Not even if it’s bothering me, or putting doubts in my mind. Nope! He won’t change his decision.

It kind of sucks that he’s so stubborn about certain things. I try to compromise with many things. I try to keep him happy. Sometimes, the feeling just isn’t mutual though. Our relationship has gotten comfortably weird. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I gave too much too soon. Now, I just don’t know how to turn things backwards or stop giving myself.

Anyway, enough relationship talk. That’s pretty much the run down of my life right now. There is one other thing going on; however, I’m not really going to discuss it in this post. I still need time to make sense of the situation first as I’m left quite puzzled and confused at times. Plus the person it’s about reads my blog ever so often and well, I don’t think this is the time to discuss this.

Phew! Five and a half pages of writing in my notebook later, I’ve finally managed to write a half-decent post. I guess, my plan has turned out to be successful, for now!

You know, if you’ve struggled to write lately or have been experiencing writer’s block too, you should definitely try this out. Grab a notebook and pen and carry it with you at all times. I’m sure you’ll find your place or time where something will spark some enthusiasm in you to write. Might as well be prepared for when it does!

Until next time, ciao!

❤ tamana

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