All my life all I dreamt of besides becoming an amazing Bollywood actress (lol), was my wedding but more so my marriage. I’m not one to pry on fancy things, nor did I ever want a big wedding. All I wanted though, was to have a small, simple wedding with immediate family and to marry the man of my dreams.
I wanted a mother-in-law who looked at me with more love than my own mother. A father-in-law that called me his pride and joy. A brother-in-law who I joked around with and stayed youthful with. Even a sister-in-law who I could love as if she were my daughter. And of course, a husband who called me his strength. Who looked at me as if I was the most precious thing in the world. Who loved me more than any other human being could someone else. This family would become my honor, my strength, my pride, my love, my life.
But who am I kidding, “happily ever after” only exists in movies. As great as life can be at times, the “dream” or “wish” that I just explained rarely exists, if at all.
I’m starting to feel like the man I began to believe was my prince-charming is still weighing his options. He’s still searching but keeping me around if he doesn’t find anyone better. I’ve become an option for him. And you’ll probably wonder why I am still with him.
You see, us Indian women have this belief/obligation towards our culture and religion: when we call someone, make someone or believe that someone is our husband; he becomes our everything. After bowing for God, our culture teaches us to touch our husband’s feet and bow in front of him.
On October 26th last year, I fasted for his long life and prosperity. After he fed me my first piece of food, I bowed in front of him and touched his feet. At that very moment, he became my everything, he became my life. Was it a little too soon? Definitely! Is it extreme? Absolutely! But he is who remains in my heart. He is who my heart calls out to. He is who my heart yearns for and desires. Almost every day after October 26th, I have touched his feet one way or the other, clearly without making it too obvious to him and I have treated him as my husband.
However, I’m realizing now that he considers me nothing more than an option and it breaks my heart. It hurts me knowing this yet I am unable to get him out of my mind, heart or soul. Almost every day he finds a way to hurt me and everyday I build myself up saying that I’m going to put an end to this. But everyday he’ll do something to make me love him a bit more. They say you must take the good with the bad. However, how do you forgive someone who has made you feel like an option? How do you forget that they treat you like everyone else in the crowd? How do you settle with the fact the person who is the most important to you does not value or appreciate you?
If you’ve read other parts of my blog, you’re probably thinking that I am full of shit, since I’ve been previously married and divorced. You’re probably wondering where my cultural and religious beliefs went when I was divorcing my ex-husband. The thing with that is apart from being religious, I am also a human-being who needs to love and be loved. Up until my ex-husband left the country for good, even after the divorce papers were signed and filed, I remember myself constantly telling him that it still wasn’t too late to fix this marriage. However, his anger and hate towards me blocked his brain from seeing something that he would eventually realize was a mistake. Even for many years after our divorce, I wore my mangal-sutar and sindoor and kept the hope and prayed we would somehow fix what had broken between us. However, that day never came and so, I finally gave up and moved on.
A couple of weeks ago I stood between two men that love dearly; my father and D. Each one so precious to me. However, with the events of the past couple of weeks, both have managed to break my heart. Neither pulled hard enoUgh and to some degree both have lost me.
I don’t blame either of them for the decisions they made. They were both right in their own way. But the reality of the fact is that their decisions would take its complete toll on me and my life. They were deciding the rest of my life for me. My dad, because it is his responsibility and duty to and D, because I allowed him to. Neither realized what their decision would do or mean to me.
The result is that I have chosen to never get married again. I will stay single for as long as my heart desires. I will live my life for me. And lastly, I will erase that dream of the perfect wedding, marriage and family from my mind forever.
As for my cultural and religious beliefs, those I can neither erase nor dishonor. So, I will continue to love him and think of him as I do.
To be con’t…