Unstable To Write: Struggling To Quit!

I know I haven’t written for a few days. There’s a reason for that! I know, I know, I always have a reason for not writing. Well, can you blame me? I’m trying to figure out and fix my life. So, I’m sorry for not writing sooner but here’s the run down of why I haven’t written and what’s going on with me.

6 months ago I made a list of goals that I wanted to accomplish within 6 months. My 6 months were up on March 31st and there’s one last thing that I need to accomplish. It has turned in to one of the hardest things in the world to come to and to be honest, I’m not 100% there yet either.

For most of you that have been following my blog for some time, you’ll know exactly what it is I’m trying to accomplish. For those who don’t know, let me tell you. 🙂

I’m trying to quit smoking cigarettes. I’ve smoked for nearly 12 years now, ranging anywhere from 5 cigarettes a day to anywhere around 45 cigarettes a day. As life has thrown me curve balls and taken me on its bumpy roads, my cigarette smoking too has fluctuated drastically. Over the past year or so I’ve faced many downs, many obstacles have come in my path of happiness and many stresses have caused me to smoke at least 20 a day.

But I met someone 6 months ago whom has encouraged me and given me reasons to want to quit. I’m not quitting for him, well not solely him. But mainly for myself. I know the health issues involved with smoking and quite honestly they don’t bother me much. I mean, silly as it may sound, I don’t really care about the cancer and heart problems, etc. We’re all going to die one way or another. Every time we walk out of the house we take the risk of being struck by a car or lightening or whatever else the universe is going to throw at us.

The thing that bothers me about smoking is the addiction I have and the money I spend on it. Might sound stupid but its true. It worries me that I have such a terrible addiction to this thing and that I feel like I am not myself without it. I feel like a part of me is missing if I don’t have it in my hand. As if this is the thing that makes me ME!

And who can forget the amount of money I waste on this habit every day or month. At $10.50-$12 a pack, times 5-6 packs a week; I’m in the hole nearly out $250-$300 a month. That’s $3000 a year! OMFG! I could be shopping or going on a sweet vacation with that kind of money. But no, I’m spending it on stupid cigarettes!

Then there are the health factors. As much as I hate thinking about them and deny that they bother me; they matter a lot! I’m literally paying to kill myself slowly.

Anyway, the point of the matter is that I’ve decided to quit. So, for the past 2 weeks or so, I’ve been taking Champix; the anti-smoking drug that supposedly has helped thousands quit. I will say, I don’t feel like smoking as often. However, this drug has really fucked with my body and mind. I’ve been an emotional wreck, more so than ever! We all know I never was emotionally stable. But with this drug, I’m over the top! Lol! Just ask D. Poor guy’s had to deal with my craziness and has been a good support doing so.

I’m not done smoking yet though. I’ve run out of pills and am waiting to refill my prescription once I get paid again. But I’ve cut down significantly over the past 2 weeks.

That’s mainly the reason why I haven’t written much or at all lately. I have a lot of posts started but just can’t focus long enough to complete and publish them. I’ll try my best to keep you all updated as much as I can on the status of this. Hopefully, I’ll be nicotine free pretty soon. Then I can come back to blogging daily/weekly. 🙂

Until then, much love…
~Serene

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