Is what I’m feeling lately the ever so popular “postpartum blues”? Feelings of depression, loneliness and anxiety have engulfed me this past day or so. I feel so much less loved by my family and spouse. Maybe even a bit jealous of all the attention Ni is getting. Of course I know she is the rightful candidate for all the attention and praise lately. I mean, she is just that darn cute that I have no chance in competing with her.
But I feel somewhat neglected and a bit alone. I feel like the value of me has decreased significantly. Even D doesn’t seem interested to hear how I’m feeling of late and my mom isn’t someone I want to talk about all this with right now.
I feel tired and always ready to cry. I feel like I’m not cut out for this mom stuff. I feel like I won’t be a good mom to Ni and a good wife to D. I feel like D doesn’t love me as much as he used to. I feel sad. I feel like crying. I told D I felt like crying as hard as I possibly could but it was in the midst of a conversation about something else and he just didn’t have any reaction to this huge secret I just poured out to him. Almost seems like he didn’t hear me or ignored it all together.
Maybe I need therapy. Or maybe this is how all women feel after giving birth. I don’t know. Maybe I just need to go to sleep early and try to forget about all these depressing thoughts and try waking up with a new outlook in mind. Maybe I just need to look at Ni’s ever-so precious tiny face and put all my fears and anxiety aside and enjoy her and let her guide me to happiness.
Maybe I’ll just head to bed now and hope tomorrow brings a better day. Goodnight lovies.