Ni is one years old. She’s already started daycare. My parents are in India. Diwali is over. Even D’s vacation is done. And next week Tuesday I’ll be back at work; which means my maternity leave is over.
Seriously, where has this year gone and how did it go by so quickly? It feels like just yesterday I found out they were going to induce me a week later and D and I were freaking out on our way home that a week from now we’d finally have our little baby. And look at today, she’s crawling and laughing and attempting to walk and say words. She’s grown so much and is becoming more and more independent daily. Soon she’ll be off to school, then high school, then college and then work.
How is time flying by so quickly? D and I just look at her and wonder where that little angel is that once fit on our one arm. We sit and talk about how fast life is moving. I’ll be a year older in just over a week. Then Christmas will come and New Years, spring will arrive and my parents will be back from India.
It feels like it’s all happening with a blink of an eye. I’m just in shock and disbelief. I don’t want my maternity leave to be over. I don’t want Ni to get used to daycare and spend the whole day without me. I don’t want to be back at work and wonder how she’s doing and whether she’s eaten or slept or cried or laughed. I just want to be with her all day and enjoy mommy-hood with her.
I keep telling D to pray that we hit the lottery or that I get laid-off work so that I can be with my little pumpkin all day long. He just laughs and tells me to get over it. But what he or anyone else does see is the anxiety and guilt I feel for leaving my precious angel with strangers all day. It breaks my heart kissing her goodbye and wondering all day how she’s doing. I know this is how it has to be for now. But that doesn’t mean I have to happily enjoy it.
Emotionally baffled, yours,