Is My Life Falling Apart Again?

I got into a car accident this evening. I’m fine, just a sore back. But the car took a lot of damage. After speaking to the insurance company, I don’t even know if I’ll have a car after tomorrow. Of course, I have full coverage on my policy. But the agent mentioned that since the airbag deflated, the car might be a complete write-off. Apparently, fixing an airbag is so costly, that might cost more than the car is actually worth. In which case, the company will just write me a check for the value of the car so that I can’t get another one. But my car is financed and so I’ll have to hand that check over to the finance company instead.

Did you read my first sentence? I got into a car accident! The impact alone shook me down to the bone. That split second had my heart pounding like it was going to pop right out of my chest. No, I didn’t see my life flash before my eyes. I did however, see my death. But you know what? I walked away without a scratch on me (besides the sore back). I’m alive and I’m fine, at least physically. Emotionally though, I am a complete wreck. If the accident alone wasn’t enough, I came home to an un-empathetic husband, who was more concerned about the car, the money and the insurance premium rising more than he was about me and my well-being.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to go to work tomorrow or not. My back is just too sore. So, that’ll be another day off. Last week, Ni’s stomach bug had me in and out of the office. I had a flat on my way home. Was stuck in traffic one specific day for nearly 30 minutes. And through all of this, I’ve stayed strong. I’ve just kept pushing on and on and on. I haven’t mentioned to anyone that last week took a big toll on me and I was emotionally and physically drained. No, I didn’t complain one bit. I kept going.

But today, this accident, it brought it all out. Everything is on the surface and when I look around me, I stand alone. So alone that I cannot get through to anyone. I feel like my heart just shattered once again and I don’t even have the motive or energy to pick up the pieces again and put myself back together. I mean really, what’s the point? All these years, so many incidents have occurred where I’ve fallen, broken even and bandaid myself back together. But eventually you get to a point when you’ve broken in so many pieces that it becomes nearly impossible to regain any sort of wholeness within yourself.

I think I’m at that point now. I’m just too damn tired of falling, breaking and getting back together again. I’m exhausted. Maybe I just need to run away. Start anew. Forget everything behind and never look back. Maybe. Somewhere in my heart, one part of me says “live. There is so much to live for. Ni. D. Myself.” But the another part of me asks, “what’s the point? You’re only going to fall back down again and shatter yourself a little more.”

Is my life falling apart? You tell me after everything I’ve written above and of what you about me.

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