Have I mentioned in the past while how terribly depressed I feel? Have I talked about my real feelings in my past few posts? No. I’ve kept them inside me for some time. I’ve spoken to people I thought were my friends and confided in them, only to have them exploit me and my comments. So, I’ve stopped. I’ve just bottled everything up inside of me. The feeling of hopelessness. The feeling of not being good enough. The feelings of anger. Wanting to scream and cry. Wanting to run away. I’ve kept it all inside of me.
I recently spoke to a therapist. I told her everything that was going on. Our hour ran out quickly and she told me she had to go. But before she did, she asked me what I wanted from a specific person I was so angry at. What did I want this person to do in order for me to feel less overwhelmed and frustrated? I told her, I wanted him to guide me, to converse with me more than just saying yes, no, I don’t know, I”m busy. After she prompted me some more, her response and question to me was, “so you want him to proof-read your work?” I was like, what? No. Yes. I don’t know. Maybe?
That’s not what I want from this man who is playing such an important role in my life these days. Stupid therapist. Why didn’t she ask the right questions? How the heck do you get to proof-reading from everything I’ve told her? Sigh!
After I hung up the phone with her, more frustrated than I was before speaking to her, I sat there a few minutes and thought to myself, why had I made this man so important in my life? For what? Approval? Recognition? Sure, he is who he is and that has some importance to it. But I’m actually depressed, miserable, ready to cry on days when “I” feel like he’s not pleased with me. What the heck is wrong with me? I’ve given someone SO much importance in my mind (more than my husband and child) that him not liking me, has caused me to want to up and run away? How the heck does that happen?
Of course, many things current and prior contribute to this whole series of depression and anger, but he not liking me and speaking to me as if I am incompetent has really taken its toll on me. It’s made me question my ability. It’s made me second-guess myself over and over. It’s made me so desperately want to perfect things, just to show him that I am the best for the things I do and he’s got me figured out all wrong.
I hate him for not liking me. But I hate myself more for giving this man so much importance in my life that I’ve left myself feeling vulnerable and miserable. I hate that I’ve caused myself so much anxiety. I hate that I have shut my family out and gone into a bubble of my depression and anger.
I wish I could prove to this man who I am more competent than the assholes who tell him otherwise. I wish I could show him that everything he knows about me or has been told about me is absolutely wrong. I wish I could change his mind about me.
I don’t think I can, though. I mean, he’s been fed a lot of crap about me and all I can do is try to prove myself; which I have done this whole time. Whether it’s enough or not is yet to be determined.
I think I need to step back and take a deep breath. I think I need to reassess the importance people have in my life. I think I need to reassess my self-confidence and build it up again and hopefully all this depression and anger will finally go away.
But where do I start and how? Any suggestions?