Sometimes We Give Too Much

Once in a while you meet someone that turns into a dear friend. You get extremely attached to them and spend lots of time with them. When there’s a family event or get together, you ensure your friend is invited. When you bake or cook something special, you make sure to put a piece aside for your friend.

Friends are what help us get through the rest of the crap that life throws at us. We laugh with them. We cry with them. They hold us up through the tough times and share many good times with us. They are there during new beginnings and hold us tight through the endings. They are our wisdom at times and other times our strength. We do silly stupid things with them and make asses out of ourselves in front of them and they never judge us because they are our friend and understand who we really are and are normally making asses out of themselves right beside us.

But sometimes, you get so attached to a friend that you go above and beyond for them. You treat them like a part of the family and include them in everything. But sometimes all your thoughts and feelings aren’t reciprocated. And sometimes you realize that you were far more committed and reliant on the friendship than your friend was. And sometimes you realize that maybe you were too attached to your friend and they never were.

Maybe this is my state of depression. Maybe none of this was true. Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe this how a certain friend made me feel a couple of days ago. Maybe.

I’ve Been Gone For A While Now

I couldn’t sleep. My legs are killing me and nothing seems to help with the pain tonight. I’ve tossed and turned all night and finally gave up the thought that I would get any sleep tonite.

So, here I am. It seems like I haven’t written anything on here in a long while; which is probably true. I’ve been battling my depression and my fevers and pain. It’s been quite the battle and I have yet to win. But today I feel a little bit closer to victory over my demons.

I did something for me today. I did something for me that under normal circumstances wouldn’t be a big deal; however under the current circumstances is! Although my religious beliefs don’t justify it, I bought a mini Christmas tree today. I put it up by myself, hung ornaments and lite the lights all by myself. Ni was there to share in my joy. But I did it all by myself. And you know what? Every time I glance over at it, it puts a smile on my face. It didn’t cost a lot and doesn’t have expensive ornaments or historical family ones either on it. It’s small and only takes up a small corner of my bookcase. But it makes me smile. And that’s all that matters to me right now.

I felt miserable after speaking with my case worker from my employer’s insurance company yesterday. I was very down ever since that conversation. She wants me to head back to work on Thursday. And although I love my job and like many of the people I work with; I am just not physically and mentally ready to go back. It’s true, my fevers have become quite infrequent. But my pain and depression has not gone away or subsided in any way. I spent numerous nights lying awake, battling terrible thoughts and trying to cope with the pain in my legs. I try every means possible to get a proper night’s sleep. But to no avail.

I did more tests yesterday, an x-Ray and ultrasound; I’m hoping the results show the reason for my pain. Today’s appointments with the infectious disease specialist and rheumatologist will shed light on what I’m going through and what my next steps are going to be. I’m hoping for some pain-relief solution or miracle! I’ll let you know after my appointments what the outcomes are. Stay tuned and wish me a proper diagnoses and solution.

Battles With Depression

Being home for the last couple of months has left me with too much time to think about all the things that aren’t right in my world. I’ve spent numerous sleepless nights thinking and imagining how to make things better. But cannot find it within myself to resolve my issues and come to peace with my demons.

Some days I feel like I should just run away, leave everything behind and vanish into this cruel world somewhere. But then my heart tells me that I have a loving husband and baby girl that need me more than I need to run away. I’m not disappointed with my family life. Matter of fact, I’m happy with it. But there are things within myself that bring me to tears and cause me this horrible feeling of running away.

Having all this time on my hands lately, has caused me to do some soul searching and come up with things I want to change in myself and life. I want to look and feel like a million bucks. But I’m not losing weight and I won’t lie and say that I’ve sincerely been trying either. Because I haven’t. I want to but just can’t find the willpower to move forward with it. Everyday I tell myself that I’m going to eat differently, I’m going to try to do at least one thing today that will increase my heart rate and tire me out. But the day comes and I won’t even get up all day and even shower. I feel miserable and although I won’t eat all day, I won’t do anything else either.

I used to love myself so much that people used to call me conceited. Actually, I used to call myself a conceited bitch because at that time I was so high on myself. I had it all. I was fit, not skinny. I had gorgeous curly black hair. I had a glowing face and I dressed sexy but classy. And now I am neither of those things. My hair is short, damaged and in terrible condition. I’m not fit anymore, I’m overweight and hideous looking. My face glows when I pack on makeup but the natural beauty of my skin has long since vanished. I don’t dress amazingly because clothes are harder to find when you’re overweight. So I just wear what fits, regardless if it looks good or not. I hate looking at myself in the mirror.

Where did my days of feeling and looking beautiful go? Why did life take its toll on my beauty?

There are few other things that aren’t right in world either. I’m sick. I’ve been sick for a long while and I don’t see myself feeling better anytime soon. The sinus infection, the constant muscle and body aches and pains, I chills, the fevers, the headaches; the list just goes on and on.

When you’re not feeling well inside, it’s hard to feel well on the outside or put a smile on your face for your family and friends. When tears so easily pour out of your eyes without much reason, it’s hard to laugh at the funny things that happen.

I feel like I’ve lost myself inside this sickness and depression and I’m scared to discuss all of this with anyone, even D or my doc. D knows I’m unhappy with myself but he doesn’t know how much it effects me both physically and emotionally. He doesn’t know how many nights I stay wide awake, staring at the blank ceiling in the dark. He doesn’t know how many nights I’ve spent over the past few months crying myself to sleep. I couldn’t tell him all this. He’d somehow blame himself for my depression and I’d hate myself for having him think he was the cause of all this. He’s not. I am. They are my demons. He’s a very good husband, friend and father. I’m blessed to have him in my life, as blessed as I am to have Ni.

But I’ve got to battle my demons myself. Either come to terms with them or surrender to them. The latter isn’t an option; I have a family to care for and love. But the former is too hard to do. So how do I find peace and settle my battle with my depression and my demons? It’s been a long time since I’ve felt happy. I want to feel happiness again, I just don’t know where to begin.

More Surgery On The Horizon

After visit an ENT specialist earlier this week, it was confirmed to me that I would indeed need another surgery. A bone in my nose needs to be straightened and my sinuses need to be drained. I knew I needed this surgery, why it took so long to get an ENT appointment and for the specialist himself to confirm it is beyond me.

If you’re wondering, yes, I am still home sick. It’s been a really long, painful and depressing two months. What should’ve been a regular procedure that dentists preform regularly, has left me sick and in lots of pain. I know it’s not my dentist’s fault I got sick. But it all started after having my tooth extracted.

I’m so depressed with these fevers and body aches. Some days I can’t even get out of bed. Well, stay tuned for more updates. Hopefully, they’ll catch something in my CT scan on Monday and I’ll finally get a proper diagnoses, instead of the “fever of unknown origin” crap that’s currently diagnosed.

Ni’s 2 Year Birthday Letter

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Feeling sick to my gut and being busy with your birthday, I didn’t get a chance to write your birthday letter. So, I’m doing it now.

Happy 2 year birthday, sweetheart! I cannot believe that you’re already 2 years old. I know I say this every month, but my goodness, how quickly you are growing up and time is passing. You are turning in to a beautiful little girl. You’re smart, funny, always excited and such a quick learner and this month you really proved that.

You’ve fully learnt to sing the alphabet, count up to 20 and sing so many nursery rhymes; your favorite being ba ba black sheep and itsy bitsy spider. Plus, you love listening to the Hindi song, Ashiana from the movie Burfi. You call it iti si khushi and you can even sing some of the words to it. The song is beautiful, it calms you down and makes you smile. It’s been one of those songs that mommy has been listening to since you were in my tummy. But it’s the song that daddy and you listen to together mostly.

So, as you’re growing and learning all sorts of new things, you’ve also learnt to lock the balcony door as soon as someone goes outside. And you did just that one day when mommy went outside. You locked me out and you were the only one home and couldn’t figure out how to unlock the door. That was quite scary. But luckily, mommy had her phone and called the building superintendent; whom was kind enough to get the master key and open the front door and let mommy back in the apartment. She had quite the laugh, as did I and daddy. But now I’ve learnt to be very cautious and make sure to put you on your high-chair before stepping outside. Silly girl.

Anyway, sweetheart, mommy is still battling this sickness and can’t write more at this time. But I want you to know that the past two years of mommy and daddy’s lives have been the best two years of our lives ever. You’ve brighten our world and have brought so much happiness into our lives. Thank you for being you, sweetheart. We love you dearly and will always do so. And no matter how old or big you get, you will always be our little girl. Love you hunny, happy 2nd birthday.