Being home for the last couple of months has left me with too much time to think about all the things that aren’t right in my world. I’ve spent numerous sleepless nights thinking and imagining how to make things better. But cannot find it within myself to resolve my issues and come to peace with my demons.
Some days I feel like I should just run away, leave everything behind and vanish into this cruel world somewhere. But then my heart tells me that I have a loving husband and baby girl that need me more than I need to run away. I’m not disappointed with my family life. Matter of fact, I’m happy with it. But there are things within myself that bring me to tears and cause me this horrible feeling of running away.
Having all this time on my hands lately, has caused me to do some soul searching and come up with things I want to change in myself and life. I want to look and feel like a million bucks. But I’m not losing weight and I won’t lie and say that I’ve sincerely been trying either. Because I haven’t. I want to but just can’t find the willpower to move forward with it. Everyday I tell myself that I’m going to eat differently, I’m going to try to do at least one thing today that will increase my heart rate and tire me out. But the day comes and I won’t even get up all day and even shower. I feel miserable and although I won’t eat all day, I won’t do anything else either.
I used to love myself so much that people used to call me conceited. Actually, I used to call myself a conceited bitch because at that time I was so high on myself. I had it all. I was fit, not skinny. I had gorgeous curly black hair. I had a glowing face and I dressed sexy but classy. And now I am neither of those things. My hair is short, damaged and in terrible condition. I’m not fit anymore, I’m overweight and hideous looking. My face glows when I pack on makeup but the natural beauty of my skin has long since vanished. I don’t dress amazingly because clothes are harder to find when you’re overweight. So I just wear what fits, regardless if it looks good or not. I hate looking at myself in the mirror.
Where did my days of feeling and looking beautiful go? Why did life take its toll on my beauty?
There are few other things that aren’t right in world either. I’m sick. I’ve been sick for a long while and I don’t see myself feeling better anytime soon. The sinus infection, the constant muscle and body aches and pains, I chills, the fevers, the headaches; the list just goes on and on.
When you’re not feeling well inside, it’s hard to feel well on the outside or put a smile on your face for your family and friends. When tears so easily pour out of your eyes without much reason, it’s hard to laugh at the funny things that happen.
I feel like I’ve lost myself inside this sickness and depression and I’m scared to discuss all of this with anyone, even D or my doc. D knows I’m unhappy with myself but he doesn’t know how much it effects me both physically and emotionally. He doesn’t know how many nights I stay wide awake, staring at the blank ceiling in the dark. He doesn’t know how many nights I’ve spent over the past few months crying myself to sleep. I couldn’t tell him all this. He’d somehow blame himself for my depression and I’d hate myself for having him think he was the cause of all this. He’s not. I am. They are my demons. He’s a very good husband, friend and father. I’m blessed to have him in my life, as blessed as I am to have Ni.
But I’ve got to battle my demons myself. Either come to terms with them or surrender to them. The latter isn’t an option; I have a family to care for and love. But the former is too hard to do. So how do I find peace and settle my battle with my depression and my demons? It’s been a long time since I’ve felt happy. I want to feel happiness again, I just don’t know where to begin.