I’ve Been Gone For A While Now

I couldn’t sleep. My legs are killing me and nothing seems to help with the pain tonight. I’ve tossed and turned all night and finally gave up the thought that I would get any sleep tonite.

So, here I am. It seems like I haven’t written anything on here in a long while; which is probably true. I’ve been battling my depression and my fevers and pain. It’s been quite the battle and I have yet to win. But today I feel a little bit closer to victory over my demons.

I did something for me today. I did something for me that under normal circumstances wouldn’t be a big deal; however under the current circumstances is! Although my religious beliefs don’t justify it, I bought a mini Christmas tree today. I put it up by myself, hung ornaments and lite the lights all by myself. Ni was there to share in my joy. But I did it all by myself. And you know what? Every time I glance over at it, it puts a smile on my face. It didn’t cost a lot and doesn’t have expensive ornaments or historical family ones either on it. It’s small and only takes up a small corner of my bookcase. But it makes me smile. And that’s all that matters to me right now.

I felt miserable after speaking with my case worker from my employer’s insurance company yesterday. I was very down ever since that conversation. She wants me to head back to work on Thursday. And although I love my job and like many of the people I work with; I am just not physically and mentally ready to go back. It’s true, my fevers have become quite infrequent. But my pain and depression has not gone away or subsided in any way. I spent numerous nights lying awake, battling terrible thoughts and trying to cope with the pain in my legs. I try every means possible to get a proper night’s sleep. But to no avail.

I did more tests yesterday, an x-Ray and ultrasound; I’m hoping the results show the reason for my pain. Today’s appointments with the infectious disease specialist and rheumatologist will shed light on what I’m going through and what my next steps are going to be. I’m hoping for some pain-relief solution or miracle! I’ll let you know after my appointments what the outcomes are. Stay tuned and wish me a proper diagnoses and solution.


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