Another Night, Another Emotional Battle With Myself

Sometimes I feel like something is missing. But what? Money? No. We’re comfortable for the moment. A home? No, we’re happy were we are. A husband? No, I have one of those. A child? No, I am blessed with one of those as well. Food? No, there’s never been any shortage (thankfully).

Surrounded by everything I “need” to survive and even some “wants” to keep the days more pleasurable, I find myself feeling empty. Something is amiss. Like a piece of me is lost. There’s a void I cannot fill. No one has been able to either. But I don’t know what it is that I’ve lost or misplaced or that has been taken from me. But I am not me. No, I am a lost a soul; unhappy in my skin, in my darkness, in my light. Nothing anyone does can change the way I am feeling. No one can push back the tears that ever so easily flow from my eyes. No one can give me reasoning to why I am fighting this battle.

All the positives in my world do not let me escape this negativity. A piece of me is lost. Lost somewhere far away. But how  do I find what I don’t know is missing? Who do I ask to bring back that piece of me when I don’t know who’s taken it? There is no light at the end of my tunnel. There is no silver-lining to these dark clouds overhead. So, I toss and turn and the night passes with my heart and mind battling each other once again.

My heart says you have plenty. My mind shouts back, “there’s this one thing missing”. My heart says be thankful for all you have. My mind says with all I have there is an emptiness. My heart says people around you love you dearly. My mind says I know but why isn’t it enough? My heart says it will all be alright, have patience. My mind looks for a way to make it all alright but finds nothing.

Emptiness engulfs me and makes me cry. With each tear that falls another little piece of me goes amiss. I lose myself deeper in this darkness. Finally, I fall asleep and the tears stop. Utter silence. It all goes away for a little while.

Related Articles:

Quick Weekly Update

It’s D’s birthday on Friday and I’m down with a cold. Sigh! I spent most of yesterday hidden under a blanket, passed out on the sofa. Thankfully, my parents needed to come down to their old home and dropped by my place with lunch and dinner for us; so I didn’t have to cook. I don’t think I would’ve cooked anyway with the way I was feeling yesterday. I had an extremely high fever that kicked my ass on Monday night and most of yesterday. I’m still sick this morning, but my fever is low and manageable; which is why I’m already at work. I’m going to see how I’m feeling throughout the day and if I can’t hold it together, I might leave early. But we’ll see as the day progresses.

As for D’s birthday being on Friday, well I don’t have a lot planned. I haven’t bought him a gift. Quite frankly, I don’t know what to get him. On Friday, we’re going to the bank to FINALLY open up our RRSP and Ni’s RESP accounts. Yay, me! Finally getting my finances in order. Then he has to go to work. I’m going to make a trip to Costco to pick up some goodies and then head back home and tidy up. My parent’s have agreed to have Ni  at their place this weekend, so they’ll pick her up sometime in the evening.

Saturday, I have a 1-hour massage booked for him and then brunch at Cora’s. Finally, the evening will begin with him thinking me, him and his friend are going out for dinner and a movie before all of his other friends arrive for a night of dinner and drinks. Sunday, I’m going to let him sleep in and then we’ll pick up Ni from my parent’s house and probably spend half the day there.

I ordered him a new shirt and jeans to wear on his birthday and pretty much that’s the only gift he’s getting from me this time around. I just don’t know what to get him and because we’re going to be putting some money away into these new RRSP and RESP accounts, I don’t want to go over my budget in getting him something. I am cooking him a special dinner on Friday night and paying for a massage. So, I hope that will suffice as a present and making him feel special.

But first I need to get better. So, I’m going to focus on that for today and tomorrow and hopefully be back to my somewhat good-old self by the weekend. I’ll let you know how his birthday goes and will definitely share photos when I can.

Elijah Marsh Trust: What Happens To Funds Raised Publicly?

Disclosure: this question or post is not meant to be offensive or rude. I’ve been pondering this all evening. And no I’m not being an arrogant b****. I’m seriously asking because I don’t know.

*It was a very tragic morning for the city of Toronto yesterday. A little 3 year old boy wandered out into -20 degrees Celsius temperature in the middle of the night by himself, with only boots, a diaper and t-shirt on. He was found 6 hours later, without vital signs laying in the snow 300 meters from his grandmothers home where he had been spending the night.

This hit close to home for many in the city. I too, nearly broke down in tears after hearing the news that the little angel passed away. My Ni is almost 2 and a half years old. She tries to open the front door and can even unlock it on her own. The news of Elijah Marsh scared me thinking about Ni trying to open our front door. As soon as I got home from work yesterday, I had a chain-lock installed on my front door, high out of her reach. D and I have even gone as far as putting a child-gate in the hallway near her bedroom so she can’t walk out into the living room in the middle of the night and access the front or balcony doors.

I cannot say I know what Elijah’s family is going through and I pray I never do. But I can say that I am so heartbroken and my prayers and love go out to his grandmother and parents and the rest of his family. I wish them strength through this extremely difficult time.*

So here’s my question: if the average cost for a funeral in Canada, specifically Toronto costs between $10K-$15k then what happens to the rest of the funds that people donated towards a recent death that shook the city?

If you haven’t figured, yes I am asking about the sweet little baby, Elijah Marsh. Someone out of the goodness of their heart started a public charity to raise funds for his funeral with a target of $20K to help the family. But the charity has raised over $120K (the last time I checked). The family has opened a trust at Scotia Bank in order to get access to the money that was raised.

So my question is, if the funeral and services associated only cost $15K or let’s say a maximum $25K, what happens to the rest of the money that was donated? Is it put towards funding for other families that go through such a tragic experience or does the family get to keep it and claim it as grievance?

Rest in Peace, little angel.

Related Article:
Public ‘feels pain’ of Elijah Marsh’s death; stranger raises $126K for toddler’s funeral expenses – National Post

Sometimes I’m A Total Bitch

It’s true. Sometimes I’m a total bitch to the ones I love and then don’t even realize how badly I may be hurting them. I’ve tried for many years to control my temper and my rage. But it doesn’t seem to go away or stay under control these days. I feel so frustrated and my mind and body are so overly exhausted; that I just let it all get the best of me and who does it end up coming out on, my loved ones.

It’s not that I intentionally mean to be a bitch and yell and argue. It’s just these days it seems I get worked up easily and cannot find a common ground. My job frustrates the crap out of me. Don’t get me wrong, I love where I work even though there are so many things wrong here. But I haven’t seen a raise in a few years and don’t see a promotion or growth opportunity anywhere in my near future. So, why do I stay? It’s comfortable. Some sort of loyalty to my employer. I’ve been here 6.5 years, it’s all I’ve known for those past years. I like the people I work with. I like the fact that I can find new challenges every day.  The steady paycheck is a big reason too. Maybe if I have an extra $100K sitting around, I could venture out in the world and not give a damn about the paycheck or people I work with. But I don’t, so I’m stuck.

Then there are the domestic issues. Not to say that D and I aren’t happy in our relationship. But there is something lacking. He was never an emotionally attached kind of guy and I was the complete opposite; overly emotional. But after Ni was born, our marriage has really taken on a new role and is hitting every bump and curve you can imagine. I feel like some days, we both want to kill each other and other days, we are completely inseparable. We don’t get very much “us” time since my parents moved to the other end of the city and that’s taken a way bigger toll on us. Having my parents around definitely helped us out a lot; we actually got to go out and enjoy each other once in a while. But that isn’t the case anymore. I feel like we’re pushing each other farther and farther away from one another and don’t know if that will break my marriage or make it stronger.

There’s a list of other things that are frustrating me these days. If I keep going on, this post will end up becoming so long that you’ll probably get bored and leave or rip your eyes out of sheer boredom. So, I’ll stop venting and bitching.

I know I’m a complete bitch sometimes. But sometimes, you need to be a complete bitch in order to stay even 1% sane. To all my loved ones that take my bitchiness without complaining, thank you and I love you.

Recipe of the Week: Kanda Poha (Onion Poha)

image2Kanda poha is a popular Maharashtrian breakfast favorite. I’ve only had poha a few times, but D is Maharashtrian and loves having poha; it reminds him of his granny and family back home. So, once in a blue moon, I surprise him with it.

You’re probably wondering wth Poha is, right? Poha is the Marathi word for flattened white rice. The below photo is an example of Poha before it’s been cooked.

pohaI got this recipe from Veg Recipes of India and have tweaked it slightly for my own taste, but the main concept of the recipe remains the same.

Here’s what you need:

  • 2 cups poha
  • 1 and a 1/2 red onions, finely chopped
  • 1 tsp mustard seeds
  • 2/3 cup unsalted peanuts
  • 1 tsp mustard seeds
  • 8-10 curry leaves
  • 1 tsp turmeric powder
  • 1/2 tsp curry powder
  • 1/2 tsp red chilli powder
  • 1 green chilly, sliced in two
  • 1/2 tsp sugar
  • 2 tsp oil
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1/2 a lemon
  • 1-2 tsp fresh coriander

Here’s what you do:

  • Rinse and then soak poha in lukewarm water until it softens. Ensure that the crunchiness of the poha is no longer there but you don’t soak it too long that it becomes mushy. I soaked mine for about 2-3 minutes at the most.
  • Sprinkle sugar, salt, red chilli powder, curry powder and turmeric powder over poha. Mix gently and set aside in a strainer to get rid of any excess water.
  • Heat wok (kardaii) and roast peanuts until they are slightly browned and crunchy.
  • Remove peanuts from heat and set aside.
  • Add oil and mustard seeds to wok and cook until the seeds start crackling.
  • Add onions and saute until translucent.
  • Add curry leaves and green chillies and saute for another couple of minutes.
  • Add peanuts to the mixture and saute 2-3 minutes.
  • Add poha and mix everything into it, gently folding the ingredients into the poha. You want to ensure you don’t mash the poha.
  • Cover and let cook for 2-3 minutes. Then remove cover and let cook for 1-2 minutes more but gently stir once.
  • Turn off heat, cover and let poha sit for 1-2 minutes.
  • Finally, squeeze fresh lemon juice over poha and sprinkle with coriander and serve.

Related Articles:

Happy Valentine’s Day

Happy love day my lovelies!

Whether single or attached, I wish you lots of love today and always! Remember that loving someone else begins with loving yourself first. So give yourself a rose and doll up before you show your love for someone else. Enjoy your day and know you are loved! Xoxox


Giftagram: Annual Valentine’s Day Special

Every year, my favorite gifting app puts together an inexpensive way of saying I Love You for its users and for the past two years, I have used their app to send D a little pre-Valentine’s Day gift to remind him how much I love him. And this year was no different. This year’s mini-gift was absolutely delicious and he saves some to share with me. He loved it getting the special delivery just as much as I loved having it sent to him. This year’s gift was from Coco & Cowe; and what a delicious candyagram it was.

Thanks Coco & Cowe and Giftagram for the awesome idea! D loved it and I especially love the handwritten note with it! Can’t wait for next year’s Valentine’s Day special!


Related Articles: