It’s true. Sometimes I’m a total bitch to the ones I love and then don’t even realize how badly I may be hurting them. I’ve tried for many years to control my temper and my rage. But it doesn’t seem to go away or stay under control these days. I feel so frustrated and my mind and body are so overly exhausted; that I just let it all get the best of me and who does it end up coming out on, my loved ones.
It’s not that I intentionally mean to be a bitch and yell and argue. It’s just these days it seems I get worked up easily and cannot find a common ground. My job frustrates the crap out of me. Don’t get me wrong, I love where I work even though there are so many things wrong here. But I haven’t seen a raise in a few years and don’t see a promotion or growth opportunity anywhere in my near future. So, why do I stay? It’s comfortable. Some sort of loyalty to my employer. I’ve been here 6.5 years, it’s all I’ve known for those past years. I like the people I work with. I like the fact that I can find new challenges every day. The steady paycheck is a big reason too. Maybe if I have an extra $100K sitting around, I could venture out in the world and not give a damn about the paycheck or people I work with. But I don’t, so I’m stuck.
Then there are the domestic issues. Not to say that D and I aren’t happy in our relationship. But there is something lacking. He was never an emotionally attached kind of guy and I was the complete opposite; overly emotional. But after Ni was born, our marriage has really taken on a new role and is hitting every bump and curve you can imagine. I feel like some days, we both want to kill each other and other days, we are completely inseparable. We don’t get very much “us” time since my parents moved to the other end of the city and that’s taken a way bigger toll on us. Having my parents around definitely helped us out a lot; we actually got to go out and enjoy each other once in a while. But that isn’t the case anymore. I feel like we’re pushing each other farther and farther away from one another and don’t know if that will break my marriage or make it stronger.
There’s a list of other things that are frustrating me these days. If I keep going on, this post will end up becoming so long that you’ll probably get bored and leave or rip your eyes out of sheer boredom. So, I’ll stop venting and bitching.
I know I’m a complete bitch sometimes. But sometimes, you need to be a complete bitch in order to stay even 1% sane. To all my loved ones that take my bitchiness without complaining, thank you and I love you.