Everything’s fine. But is it really?

india-2012-088

Do you ever feel like you are just looking for issues to make you unhappy? You see everything around you and all seems fine. But deep down, you know nothing is at it seems. Sugar-coating your life just to get through the days is easy to do. But what are the consequences of sugar-coating? Are you comforting yourself just because you’re scared to face the facts? Or have you stopped caring so much that you begin overlooking the bitter truths of your reality?

I woke up this morning and everything was fine. Knock-on-wood, there are no pressing obstacles in my path right now. As I do every morning, I told myself that I would have a good day today and so, my day began on that note. I got ready, got in the car, picked up my morning coffee, turned on the music and began my journey to work. As I was driving, I repeatedly played the same song over again. Not because it had any sentimental meaning, I just like the song and it puts me in a fantasy that is just that, a fantasy of mine – never to come true. I got to work, sat down at my desk, opened WordPress to write and as I sat there thinking about what I wanted to write about today, I started reflecting on my morning, on my night, on the day before, on that fantasy.

And I realized, the glow on my face and the smile on my lips, the want to look pretty, it was all a cover-up for the burning sensation of tears hidden in my eyes. If I don’t think about it, everything is fine and good; there is love, laughs, happiness and a mostly comfortable life. But should I look deep into my eyes in the mirror, there is a pressing need that remains unfulfilled in my heart. I’m not ready to confess what that need is out into the world yet. If I let it out and act to fulfill it, it may destroy that “comfortable” life I mentioned earlier and I’m not sure if it’s worth it yet or not. I’m scared of the outcome.

As I write this, I hold back hundreds of tears wanting to scream and yell at the world. But they mustn’t come out. No. They will destroy me. Hold them back, it isn’t time.

Time. When will it be the right time?

Why am I thinking about this stuff?

Like I said, everything is fine. So why stir the pot? Wouldn’t it be better to numb these thoughts and just go on with my days as if I don’t care and this “need” doesn’t matter?

Yes. That is a better solution than digging deep into my heart and eyes. Push back the tears, Tamana. Push them deep down where you can’t find them. You don’t get everything in life the way you had hoped it would be.

“You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

Stop writing. Walk away.

I am.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s