A while ago, I was prescribed anti-depressant to deal with my depression, I didn’t take them. There is so much negativity around taking anti-depressant, especially in my culture. Taking a pill to deal with yourself is a sign of weakness and you are labelled as retarded or mentally unstable.
Even my parents had this thinking. Taking pills for mental health and/or speaking to a psychiatrist meant you were needy and unfit. It was a big taboo. So, I never took anti-depressant, no matter what happened in my life and how badly it affected the person I was becoming.
Growing up, I was the tough-child. Nothing phased me. I could get through everything without shedding a tear, or so everyone believed. But I cried myself to sleep a million times, never in front of anyone. I kept a diary and put my heart and soul on paper. But refused to let my hard-exterior drop in front of others. This went on for years and years until I finally started cutting myself. Did your jaw just drop at the news of that?
Cutting oneself is a different kind of high that many people do not understand. When you are battling your worst demons and your heart hurts, it is nearly impossible to rid yourself of the pain you are experiencing. This is where cutting came in for me; if I could inflict physical pain to myself, then maybe the internal pain would stop. And it did. For some time.
You don’t cut to kill yourself. Anyone that has ever gotten to the point of cutting themselves, knows this and knows how and where to cut and if they don’t, they’ll indefinitely look it up. For me, it was this mindset that I needed to do anything in the world to get the pain out of my mind and soul and so I cut. At the time, this was my logic. 15-20 years later and slightly wiser, I know cutting won’t rid me of my demons or pains. If anything, I’ll make me weaker knowing I gave into my misery.
Today I have decided to take an anti-depressant. After much thought, reading and research, it became clear to me, that this is the way to go. I don’t know what the outcome of this tiny pill will be; all I can hope for is that it helps me control these extreme highs and lows I have felt for the past while, especially this week.
This week, I have felt defeated. I have felt lost. I have felt hopeless, almost pathetic. I felt like running away. I even lay in bed a few nights ago and thought how my husband and child’s lives would be should I pass-away suddenly. No, I didn’t plan my suicide or even consider doing it. It was just thoughts of am I helping their lives? Am I making their lives any better or easier? Am I giving them happiness? Or are they secretly as depressed as I am because of my depression?
After fighting myself all week, I urgently made an appointment with my family doctor, met with him and gave him the details of this episode. He knows the history, he knows the triggers. He knows it must have been so bad this time around that I HAD to see him immediately. And after a long chat, he prescribed me with Wellbutrin. It’s going to help calm things down, I hope.
I took a pill this morning. anti-depressant don’t take effect immediately. But this is a beginning to managing my mental-health and stability.
Some times a new beginning is all you need.