Sometimes You Just Want To Be Alone

Being married and a mom means I barely get anytime alone. Not even bathroom breaks are  excuses to be alone. If your husband doesn’t come barging in, your kid will definitely find you hiding away and taking longer than you should because all you want to do is sit thoughtlessly for 5 minutes by yourself. But it doesn’t happen.

The need to be alone grows greater and greater, until it finally explodes and leaves you feeling hopeless and strained. You get terribly emotional and all the emotions burst out in a rage. Then you feel guilty for letting yourself get to that point and promise to give yourself more time to yourself. But it never happens and you keep going through this circle of wanting to be alone, letting it go too long before actually taking action and then exploding and finally feeling guilty. 

I barely ask to be by myself. But sometimes I just want an evening to myself; childless, spouseless. It doesn’t happen though. The only alone time I get is the 45 minutes after work, before I have to pick up Ni from daycare and Sunday mornings when I forcefully get up at 5am to do laundry. But during both of times, I am doing housework, so it doesn’t really turn out to be the alone time I want and need. 

I’ve mentioned to D numerous times that I want to be alone, maybe go for a late night drive by myself. But he always reacts in a way that makes me feel guilty for leaving him and Ni alone, or he’ll say something like, “Ni and I will come with you, it’ll get us out of the house too.” Well, he doesn’t get that’s not alone time and defeats the purpose of wanting to go on a drive. 

I just want to go for a friggin drive, by myself, with a coffee and pack of smokes with my favourite cd playing, without a destination in mind or any time constraints. Is that too much to ask for? I just want to be alone sometimes!


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