I am tired of pretending. I am tired of caring. I am tired of thinking of outcomes and solutions. I am tired of laying sleepless every night. I want to call it quits. I want to give up because I cannot handle this anymore.
I cannot find a middle ground. There is no grey; just black and white, mostly black.
I keep thinking about Ni, it’s not fair to her. I am half here, half God knows where. She deserves me fully. But I cannot give her that. I do not want to think about Ni. I want to be selfish and just let everything go.
My mind is terribly disturbed, restless even. My heart feels heavy and torn, shredded into a million pieces.
How do people do it? One part of me thinks, how does one let everything happen and still go forward in their day-to-day, dealing with it all. The other part asks, how does one get to the point of just saying, “fuck it, I quit” and walking away from everything that ever meant anything to them.
Why am I stuck between these two thoughts? Why can’t I find peace with one or the other?
I ask myself over and over again, what is lacking? I know the answer. But I also know, that I can’t force it to happen. And I refuse to accept what I cannot change. So, why don’t I just walk away from it all?
I want to give up.