I recently opened up my heart, mind and soul to someone, it was a decision that took a lot of debating before I finally gave in to the urge to let out my feelings and thoughts. Soon after telling them how I was feeling and what I had been thinking, they changed. They avoided my questions, stopped responding to my messages and barely ever answered my calls. They shut me out of their life as if I had freaked them out.
Later, when the opportunity arose, I explained to them that I told them everything not because I wanted something from them; but as a person who wears their heart on their sleeve and isn’t afraid of telling it how it is, I needed to get the burden of my thoughts and feelings off my chest and so I confided in them. I pleaded for them to go back to normal and put that conversation behind us.
I thought this person would understand. I thought they would hear the depth of my words and realize that what I was telling them was not in my control. I thought they knew me, I thought we were closer then we turned out to be. Had they truly known me, would they have reacted the way that they did?
D says I’m bitter. He says, I don’t get along with most people. He says, I am too upfront and can be rude at times. He is a people pleas-er. He doesn’t tell it how it is. He sugar-coats the facts and holds back a lot just so he doesn’t hurt others.
But I am not him. I tried to take on some of his traits of being “nice” and “polite” (as he says), it didn’t work for me. Just look at the scenario above. I opened up, I was nice, I was honest, I was polite, I didn’t say all the mean but truthful things I should have said, just so I didn’t hurt my friend. Look how it backfired. I nearly lost this friend, when in all honesty, all I wanted was for this person to see me in a different light and understand who I was.
So why should I be nice? Why shouldn’t I hold back my thoughts and feelings when all I’m going to get from people is a closed heart and mind? Why should I even care for people?
I was happier keeping things to myself. I was happier being discreet and putting on a front. Why is it that when we let our demons out and put ourselves in the hands of vulnerability, all we get in return is a door slammed in our face? I dropped my shield and all it did was torture me, so maybe I put up a bigger, stronger, unbreakable, irremovable shield; one that never comes down no matter who stands in front of me.
What hurts the most is the only person I want to talk about this is the person who doesn’t understand and is too scared to understand. I ruined my relationship/friendship with this person. I know time will heal and mend it back to what it was and as long as I don’t open up to them again about how I truly feel about what’s going on, everything will go back to normal. But am I willing to?