Sometimes I Hate My Extremism

In my world, everything is black or white; there are no in betweens. I love to the extreme and I hate to the extreme. When someone is close to me, they are so close that I would do anything in the world for their happiness. But when someone leaves my life, I remove every trace of them from my life as if they were never in it.

Because of the extremist that I am, it takes a lot for me to kick people out of my life. They may hurt me, may lie to me, or even betray me; but I give them another chance. It’s because I had loved them so much. So when I do realize that no matter what I do or  don’t do, makes no difference to the person, I cry and cry and cry. It’s a way of letting out all that love and compassion I once had. It’s a way of closing a chapter of my life and moving on. It hurts deeply, like a soul hurt, because you had so much faith and trust in this person. You thought the world of them, as if they could never do you harm. But they did and you’ve learned your lesson and it’s time to close their chapter and move on.

I cried and cried and cried yesterday. D played the supportive husbands role and held my hand, hugged me tight and showed his concern. But he didn’t know why I cried all day. He knew it was because of a friend who had hurt me. But he didn’t know that I was crying to let out all my love, my care, my pain for this friend. He didn’t know I was forcing out every bit of emotion; whether good or bad, that I hadexperienced  with and for this person.

I said goodbye to one of my best friends yesterday. He was the one that has been the closest to me for the past couple of years. He was the one I turned to when things were bumpy between D and I. He was my support when I was frustrated with everything in my life. He helped me see that no matter what other people thought of me, I was beautiful the way I was. He helped me regain self-confidence and to love my body no matter how big it was. He was…..

I could go on and on about who he was and what he had done for me. He was the best friend a girl could have. But he lied to me. He betrayed me. He toyed with my emotions because of another girl. He doesn’t know it, but this other girl thinks shit of him and only hangs out with him because she has no one else to hang with at the moment. He doesn’t know this girl tried to ruin my marriage and his friendship with my hubby and managed to break his and my friendship. He let her damage our friendship and didn’t say a word.

But then I guess our friendship wasn’t as strong as I had thought of in the first place. Had it been, would someone else’s doings jeopardize the bond we had?

Anyway, today, I close another chapter of my life; one best friend chapter. It hurts, I want to scream and cry and ask why. But I tried that already and it didn’t make a difference to him. So, I’ll wipe away my tears and close this chapter for good.

Goodbye H. I’ll miss you but this too shall pass.

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