It’s no secret that I battle with depression. It’s the one thing about myself I remember for as long as I can think of. My doctor says it’s something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life and I shouldn’t let it consume me. I don’t think he’s ever experienced depression before and I pray he never does. But how can you tell a patient they have depression and not to let it take over them?
Depression isn’t a symptom I woke up feeling one day or virus I contracted by being near someone who had it. Depression is something that I grew up with and the severity of it grew as I did. It’s who I am, a part of me just like smoking is. The only difference; I choose to smoke but I don’t choose to be depressed.
During an episode of depression it is very easy to let go of all the things and people that are important to you. It’s very easy to forget who you are or what you are doing. It’s excruciatingly painful but a pain that isn’t described by pointing to a part of your body; it’s a soul pain.
And sometimes, an episode can lead you towards addiction, self-harm, solitude, disregard and stupidity. It can lead you to do things that you’ll indefinitely regret later on. But as much as you try to control yourself you can’t. It’s like being on drugs, once you’re on them you lose yourself and the drug takes over, you are a prisoner to your own mind.
Recently, when I was severely depressed, I did something stupid and somewhere inside me I knew it was wrong and stupid but I couldn’t help myself. My mind played games with me, I couldn’t control or stop myself and unknowingly did something else that has completely messed my life up. I sat at a bar recently and drank myself silly, I knew I was getting drunk, but I didn’t stop until I was wasted. I came home by cab and fell asleep on the couch. Dev and Nid came home later and woke me up. That’s not the stupid part. The stupid part was that while I was getting drunk, I dropped over a two thousand dollars out of my pocket; which I was supposed to put into the bank.
Dev doesn’t know. He’d kill me for being so careless and stupid. He wouldn’t understand why I got so stupidly drunk that I would let myself go so much that I couldn’t handle myself. He doesn’t understand my depression.
I thought I would create one of those gofundme accounts that you always hear of on the news. But I couldn’t share the details with anyone with the chance of him finding out. I even thought about selling some of my jewelry or something to try to recover some of the money but I’ve got nothing on hand valuable enough to even make a difference.
I just don’t know what to do. I mean, how could I be so stupid? This idiocy has caused me even more depression and I’m at my wits end. I feel so alone because I can’t tell anyone in my circle. There’s no one to ask for help. What do I do?
I’m fed up of being depressed and feel pathetic. I show everyone how happy I am and what a good mom I can be. But I’m not. I’m a complete mess. I’ve tried to keep myself busy with doing activities and writing but the thought of all of our bills and rent bouncing creeps into my mind and sometimes I just wish I could end everything and disappear. I wish I was dead. I wish it would all just go away and Nid and Dev would live happily ever after without the mess up that I am in their lives. But death doesn’t come so easily and I am still here fucking up their lives and ruining the happiness the two of them so badly deserve.