Still Not Feeling Like Myself

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything relatively useful. I haven’t felt like myself in a long while now. What was assumed was vertigo resulted in not being vertigo. My test results came back normal. The MRI, the blood work, everything was normal. So, why do I still feel dizzy every single day? Why am I getting the worst headaches of my life still and why do I wake up feeling as if someone has knocked the wind right out of me? 

My doctor thinks the symptoms I described are related to migraine. He’s put me on migraine relief pills for a month and hopes they’ll help resolve whatever issues I’m having. I’ve been taking the pills now for two weeks and don’t see much difference in my symptoms. But after speaking to him earlier this week, he’s asked me to continue taking them and see how I feel in another week or so. 

I haven’t been to work in nearly three months and now I’m not sure I want to return after being off so long. I feel like it would be so awkward going back and dealing with all the questions from colleagues on what happened to me and where I’ve been. But on the flip side, I’m so bored out of my head being at home and am eagerly waiting to get better, so that I can’t get back to my work life. 

I enjoy working. I enjoy the crazy deadlines and hectic schedules. I enjoy out and about and focused. These days, my mind is so blurred. I’m miserable being home all day without being able to go out and about without someone being with me. I was never the dependent type. I’ve always enjoyed my independence and free-will to do what I wanted, when I wanted. But with this illness, all of that has changed. If I need to go somewhere, I either have to beg my neighbor to come with me or wait for my husband to get home from work. I don’t enjoy being a burden on people, even if they’re loved ones. 

Some rare days like Monday, I wake up feeling normal and the world doesn’t spin around me. So, I try to take advantage of the sensation of normalcy and get as much done as I can, like cooking or house work. But then other days, like yesterday, I waste the whole day in bed sleeping or tossing and turning because the night before I was so dizzy that I couldn’t keep my eyes closed for more than a few seconds at a time without being feeling like I was going to throw up. 

And if all of this wasn’t enough, the guilt of being on employment insurance and barely making ends meet causes me more anxiety. D is going to India later this month for his cousins wedding and I’m so sick thinking about how I’m going to provide for Ni while he’s away for three weeks. My mother has offered to come stay with us and help out but the financial part of it makes me sick to my stomach. 

I’m hoping these symptoms go away soon. I want my life back. I want to be independent again and provide for my family as I was before all this started. Everyday I rise hoping that I’m not feeling the way I was the day before and can finally ask my doctor to release me and let me go back to work. I just want my life to return to normal. 

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