Is This My Permanent Normal?

You’ve all probably read my previous blog posts about not feeling well and dealing with vertigo. I’m still feeling the same but with some new symptoms. It’s like one thing goes away and another appears. My physician put me on a pill for migraines, so the migraines have gone away. But the dizziness persists. Along with that, my legs go numb almost every day. They hurt and I constantly feel like I’m getting my period due to the cramps.

I lay in bed all day Saturday and began thinking if this was the new normal that my life has become. I can’t stand for extended periods without feeling like my legs are going to fall off. Moving around makes my head spin and cause my eyes to blur and feel tired. The feeling of feeling unwell has me and my physician baffled because the tests he does come back normal. Somewhere inside me, I’ve stopped believing that he even cares anymore. He tells me most of this is probably caused by my depression. So it’s all in my head because I have depression. 

But I told him my mood is better. I don’t feel depressed these days. His excuse is that depression never goes away, even though I’m not feeling it right this minute. 

So is all this illness in my head? Am I so psychologically tainted that I’ve caused myself to feel all these things? 

I read all these stories about people going through similar stuff for years and their doctors kept telling them it was depression or another mild illness but years later they get diagnosed with a life-changing illness or cancer. Is that going to happen to me as well?

I wonder, if I’m reading too much into this and whether I should stop and just focus on getting better. 

At the end of this month my employment insurance benefits will run out. I have a big decision to make before the month ends; am I going back to work or staying home? How will I survive without an income? If I go back, what if I feel sick and can’t work or perform the way I used to? What if I faint the way I nearly did the last time I left work? What if I feel better all together and all of this goes away? Will my life return to the normalcy that I was used to before all this vertigo and pain started or will the current feeling be the normalcy I’ll have to get used to?

I don’t know what is going to happen at the end of this month or what my decision will be. For now, I’ve decided to go see another doctor and explain everything that has happened to me over the past few months and see what he suggests. Maybe it’s time for a second opinion. I need to know what’s wrong with me before I can decide what I’m going to do with my career. 

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