I used to write a lot. Whether it be in a diary or notes on my phone or on my blog; I always managed to take a few minutes to write my thoughts down. Lately, I don’t seem to have the energy to write anything. I’m always exhausted because of the work I do. But there are so many things always going through my mind and I feel like they are just building up inside of me. I need to release them before my mind explodes.
Here I am today. I woke up at 5:30am for no reason at all. I don’t know when I fell asleep after putting Nid to sleep last night. I don’t know when Dev got home and what he did after that. I was in deep sleep from exhaustion of the week that passed. I’ve been up for several hours now, drinking my second cup of coffee and smoking my fourth cigarette. I realized as I starred thoughtlessly at the sky that I need to write. My mind feels fogged up and with so many things on my to-do list I am not giving myself the break that I do badly need.
So here I am writing about the need to write instead of writing what is stuck deep inside my mind. I guess the fact that I am writing at all is enough for me to cope with everything that is going through my mind. Or maybe I’m just procrastinating to get my thoughts out in the open. Or maybe the thoughts I want to write about will hurt me or the people around me should I release them from within me.
When did I become so scared to say what I felt? I was never like this before. I never cared what others thought or what I outcome of my outpouring would be. So why now?
Motherhood. Wife-hood. Daughter-hood. Sisterhood. Friend-hood. Maybe all those relations and responsibilities have changed the way I express myself. Maybe those relationships are too sacred for me to hurt. Maybe as the years pass by and my responsibilities and relations strengthen I am losing that bold, outspoken, straightforward part of myself. Maybe I am losing myself little by little.
Maybe I miss me. Maybe that’s why I find excuses not to write anymore.