I’m Done Externship!

I am done externship and my course! Woohoo! It’s been one heck of a journey to get to this day but it’s finally here and I couldn’t be happier. So many sleepless nights and mood swings due to excessive studying. However, I made it through and succeeded beyond my expectations.

Tomorrow I have my exit interview at the college and graduation on the 24 of October and that’s it, I can begin working as a Medical Office Administrator and Transcriber.

On Friday, I am leaving for a much needed vacation. This is the trip I’ve mentioned in previous posts, details to come soon. When I return from my trip, on to looking for jobs.

That’s all for now. Have a blessed week and stay tuned for details on the trip. Xoxo

~Tamana

Shut-Up and Deal With It

Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn. So many things happen to us on a daily basis. Sometimes they happen right in front of our eyes; where it’s obvious that we’re going through this and sometimes we realize what has happened after the fact.

Lately, I’ve been realizing so many things that have happened in the past while that I have been oblivious to. Light only shedding on them after it’s too late for me to react. It’s probably because psychologically I have been unavailable to everything and everyone around me. I have been putting so much effort into the stuff going through my heart that I haven’t paid much attention to the things that have been right in front of me the whole time.

Now, after realizing what has been happening, I have become upset, irrational at times and even irate at times. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed and face the world. There are times when I want to take my child and run as far away as I can from everyone else. There are times when I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and ask the universe what the fuck it’s doing.

But the older I get, the more I realize that as an adult, as a person, as a mother, you just have to shut the hell up and deal with whatever you’re dealt with. You can’t fight everyone and everything that causes you anxiety or stress. You can’t give up and run away from your miseries. If I was alone, single, not responsible for a mini-me then I’d probably be gone by now. That’s just not reasonable or an option because I do have a little me to look out for and make sure she doesn’t go through the emotional and psychological distress I have gone through for so many years. I have to make sure that she grows up to be a decent human being and gains all the things I wasn’t able to. But along with her, I have to make sure that she has a happy, healthy mother to look up to.

So, right now, I just have to shut up and deal with whatever the universe is throwing at me and make the changes that have to be made in order for both of us to succeed.

~Tamana

2 Weeks Until The Finish Line

My placement at the second best hospital in Canada is going great. However, time has flown by and I’m nearly at the end of it; only two more weeks to go!!!

The hours I am working have kept me sleep deprived as I’m not used to going to bed so early and waking up at 3:30 a.m. every day; that’s the time I normally go to sleep. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Now I’m getting up at that time and that has definitely been a challenge. However, my body has finally adjusted and I’m actually liking this schedule now. Sadly, it’s almost over.

To be honest, I was a bit nervous about doing my placement at a busy hospital. I mean, the goal was always to get into a hospital, however, I hadn’t anticipated that actually happening. This wasn’t my first hospital of choice; I wanted to be at the big oncology hospital downtown. However, I am definitely glad that I ended up in this hospital because it has received awards as the second best hospital in Canada and is a top leading hospital in the world. They’re known for their expertise in healthcare and going above and beyond for patient assistance; which I personally think is a fantastic thing to be recognized for.

The one thing that surprises me the most everyday is how friendly everyone is. From surgeons to administrative staff to housekeeping and even directors; everyone is so polite and welcoming. I have been to other hospitals around Toronto but none where everyone is so helpful and nice and not just to each other but to everyone that walks through the door. It’s very reassuring considering the clusterfuck our politicians are making of our healthcare system, but that’s a whole other topic in itself.

Anyway, that’s where I am: two weeks of placement left, then my exit interview, my solo trip to a place on my bucket list and finally graduation. Woot! It’s going to be a busy few weeks and I promise, you’ll hear about this trip soon.

Until then, stay blessed and have an awesome week.

~Tamana

Mom-In-Training: Happiness

Since Nid was born, I have done everything in my power to be the perfect mom to her. For someone who has never held a baby until her own was born, being a perfect mom has been a struggle and required a lot of extra effort every day.

Many people in my circle know that I don’t like children and even after having my own, that hasn’t changed. I don’t know what it is, I never liked children before and even now I find them annoying. I mean now that Nid is getting older, I definitely enjoy her company more but when she was younger I had no clue with what to do with her. I’m not one of those women that can sit there and play with a baby and go goo gaga all over them, that’s just not me and it never was.

Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t mean that I didn’t or don’t show her love and affection because I do. I just never had the tolerance to sit there and play and pretend to enjoy playing with her, that was her dad’s job. Me and her do other fun things together, like baking, art, crafts, mother-daughter spa days or movie nights.

But the fact of the matter is that I have always tried to be that perfect mom we read about in books and magazines. I try to make sure the house was clean, she always had a snack or food to eat, had clean nice clothes to wear, was learning. Pretty much, I took care of her in every which way possible and always attended to her needs.

However, us moms put so much effort into being that perfect mom because TV, social media, movies and magazines portray moms as these superwomen that can be and do all. My own mother was one of those superwomen; there is not a damn thing she didn’t do for us or her husband and I’m thankful for all she did. Now, when I look at her and think back about growing up, I wonder if my perfect, superwoman mother was happy or not.

Moms put so much emotion and energy into making sure their family and home are well-taken care of that they forget to take care of their own wellbeing and happiness; always putting everyone else’s needs before their own. Ten years ago, my mother would never admit that she wasn’t happy. But the more I get to know her and have confidential conversations with her after becoming an adult, the more I realize she hasn’t truly been happy for a long time. Yes, seeing her children succeed, get married, have families of their own brought her happiness as a mother but as a human being was she happy within herself? I don’t believe so.

I think many women forget that while being the perfect mother, you also need to be happy as a human being. If you’re not happy as a person you could do anything in the world to be the perfect mom and your child will not grow up feeling loved, cared for or happy because your emotional turmoil with yourself will reflect on your children. They will feel the pressure of your unhappiness and it will effect them in the long-run.

I realized that maybe a year or two ago when I took a step back, looked at myself and realized that I was doing everything I should as a mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend. The only thing was I couldn’t see happiness on Nid’s face while doing everything I should be doing for her. She was acting out, getting in way more trouble, having tantrums and not listening when I asked her to do something. The reality was that she was not happy because I was not happy. My depression, anger and anxiety was wearing off on my child and you could clearly see it. Although, we laughed and had fun, as a child, she was not happy.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that my daughter doesn’t need a perfect mom or a perfect home. What she needs is a happy mom and a happy place to come home to; where love was ample and happiness reflected in everything around her.

A year ago, I began this journey of finding myself and working on making myself happy. At times that means I am choosing myself over everyone and everything else. It means I am being a little selfish when it comes to my mental, physical and spiritual health. It means I am working on making sure I am happy as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend but more importantly as a person. It has been a struggle to put my needs first and I am very slowly crawling towards prioritizing myself first but I’m getting there. Slowly but surely. And it shows when I look at Nid and how she behaves. I know I still have a lot more work to do to get to where I should be but any progress forward is good progress.

It’s simple; choose you first because if you’re not happy as a person, then you’ll never be happy playing all the roles you play in the lives of others.

~Tamana

What She Says vs. What She Means

This post stems from my previous post about “What Women Want”. Sometimes for me, at least, it’s easier to just day stuff like “it’s fine” or “ok” to avoid drama or the need to explain myself yet once again. But what I might mean by it’s fine or ok is actually that it’s not fine or okay for that matter and you should know better.

I’m sure there are many other women that do the same. Sometimes it’s just easier to end the the conversation and go on with your day then getting into the details. Many times I feel drained of constantly having to repeat myself or explain myself; which is why I choose to end the conversation and/or topic completely with a simple k or nvm.

Here I’ve compiled a list of things I say versus things I mean. Hopefully, this list will serve its purpose for people, specifically men, in figuring out what we’re actually saying when we say stuff.

Fine = totally not fine

Hmm = she’s not thinking. She mad

Whatever = you should know better

Oh ok = it’s not okay

K = you pissed her off

Are you okay? = making sure you still care

Sorry = not sorry but I’d rather not argue anymore

I’m sorry = genuinely sorry

Nvm (never mind) = you better figure out what you did wrong

Gn (good night) = I’m mad and you should know why

Let me know if I missed any and I’ll gladly add them to the list.