Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn. So many things happen to us on a daily basis. Sometimes they happen right in front of our eyes; where it’s obvious that we’re going through this and sometimes we realize what has happened after the fact.
Lately, I’ve been realizing so many things that have happened in the past while that I have been oblivious to. Light only shedding on them after it’s too late for me to react. It’s probably because psychologically I have been unavailable to everything and everyone around me. I have been putting so much effort into the stuff going through my heart that I haven’t paid much attention to the things that have been right in front of me the whole time.
Now, after realizing what has been happening, I have become upset, irrational at times and even irate at times. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed and face the world. There are times when I want to take my child and run as far away as I can from everyone else. There are times when I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and ask the universe what the fuck it’s doing.
But the older I get, the more I realize that as an adult, as a person, as a mother, you just have to shut the hell up and deal with whatever you’re dealt with. You can’t fight everyone and everything that causes you anxiety or stress. You can’t give up and run away from your miseries. If I was alone, single, not responsible for a mini-me then I’d probably be gone by now. That’s just not reasonable or an option because I do have a little me to look out for and make sure she doesn’t go through the emotional and psychological distress I have gone through for so many years. I have to make sure that she grows up to be a decent human being and gains all the things I wasn’t able to. But along with her, I have to make sure that she has a happy, healthy mother to look up to.
So, right now, I just have to shut up and deal with whatever the universe is throwing at me and make the changes that have to be made in order for both of us to succeed.