Eat. Pray. Love.

Today I am leaving for my 17-day, solo trip to Phuket, Thailand. I know I said I would tell all of you about this trip a while ago, however, it’s taken me a lot of courage to pull this trip into reality. It’s been months of talking about, planning and finally working up the guts to put it into action. I literally cried the day I finally booked the ticket and paid for the hotel.

Originally, what was just a random idea, a thought that began over friends making never-to-happen plans, developed into a need that had to be fulfilled.

I have always dreamt of taking a trip by myself, venturing out in a new city alone and discovering beauty in a different culture and lifestyle. However, I never thought I would be able to fulfill that dream due to my responsibilities and family life. But here I am, sitting at the airport shaking with nervousness and anticipation.

My Medical Office Administrator course is complete. I am graduating on October 24 with honours. My name has been put into the name of eligible students to become a valedictorian. I have done exceptionally well with this phase of my life and I am proud of myself for taking on another venture and succeeding beyond my own expectations.

I have been a decent mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend to my circle. However, with the requirements of fulfilling those relationships, I have stopped being a good me. I have lost myself. I have forgotten who I was and who I wanted to be. I have let myself run towards life without actually knowing where I was heading or wanted to end up.

Every time I catch myself running, I stop dead in my tracks and realize that I don’t know where I want to go. I have been questioning my motives and desires. I have been resenting my relationships because they have taken so much of me away from me. I have started to become destructive and careless with how I treat myself.

I am tired of dieting and trying to lose weight. I am tired of questioning my deen and faith in Allah. I am tired of loving everyone unconditionally and giving my all. I am tired of being everything to everyone and nothing to myself.

I am exhausted.

This trip is a journey for me to find myself. To eat and of course, drink guilt-free without putting myself down or worry about how I’ll look after gaining yet another 10 pounds. It’s a trip for me to find peace through prayer and devotion. To sleep in without worrying of responsibilities and staying up late without caring about the dark circles under my eyes. It’s a trip for me to find love within myself, to assess and analyze my relationships and friendships and understand them. It’s a trip for me to find me, again and come back stronger, wiser and more determined than ever to make my goals happen!

This trip is also an opportunity for me write that book I’ve been writing for the past 5+ years. Yes, I’m referring to my autobiography; which isn’t an autobiography anymore and has become a story. A story about unconditional and incomplete love. A story about devotion and belief in another soul. A story about endless tests passed and lessons learned. It is a story about a million wishes and desires and how life can happen but what is meant to be will always find its way back to you.

It has taken me many years to come to terms with the fact that this is what my reality is and this is the life I have chosen. Now that I have realized so many truths about myself, it has become important to write the story. I strongly believe that when you can tell your story without crying or breaking down, then and only then have you healed by what you went through. Today, I am ready to tell my story; which is why I have begun writing again. I’m hoping to spend time on this trip and plan out the chapters and continue writing from where I left off five years ago.

Anyway, back to the trip, I’m about to board my first flight. I am flying from Toronto to Shanghai and then to Phuket. Unfortunately, I have a 20+ hour layover in Shanghai before my flight to Phuket. Thankfully, my CIBC Gold Adventura Visa gives me access to 1000+ VIP lounges across the world. Free food, drinks, showers, Wi-Fi and possible sleeper chairs are only some of the perks of the lounge and card. So, I’ll definitely be uploading photos on Instagram while I’m waiting for the connecting flight to Phuket and I’ll try my best to post when I can.

Wish me luck and send positive energy and prayers my way. I hope I find myself again, come to terms with the decisions I need to make, find my path and of course, get over this writers block. Until then, stay blessed, connect with me on Instagram (@ziddi) to see my adventures and come back to read all about my travel through Phuket! Xoxo

~Tamana