There is a time in our lives when we hit rock bottom, some of us more than once. Everything that you could think of going wrong, goes wrong. Every attempt to climb back up makes you slip down even further. You don’t realize how far down you can go until you slam face first into the ground and realize you have lost everything you spent so many years building.
When you look up from the bottom, the light seems far out of reach. You begin to lose hope. You begin to lose sense of reality. Everything that once made sense suddenly seems so stranger and confusing. And if you’ve got a destructive personality, you turn to self-sabotage. You’re already at the bottom, you might as well destroy the little bit of self you have left.
You know what you want and need to get back up but nothing works in your favour. Every opportunity to rebuild demolishes and becomes far out of reach.
So what do you do? How the fuck do you get back up? How do you rebuild? Forget turning the pages, how do you burn the goddamn fuckin book and begin again?
This is my dilemma. I am stuck; glued to the bottom. Every time I try to get up, I get pulled back down partially by my own demons, partially by situations. Every attempt is failing. Every hope is dying. I have lost all sense of reality and nothing is making sense anymore.
A few days ago a friend asked what I was going to do for my birthday. Being in my depressed state of mind at the time, (I’ll explain why below), I told her I had nothing to celebrate. I told her we were going to skip my birthday this year.
But after hanging up the phone with her, I started thinking about her question and more importantly my answer. I did have a lot of celebrate this year. Although, things weren’t going as I had planned for the moment, I still had a very successful year.
A dream, a hope, a desire I had only imagined of and hoped for the past 16 years came true this year. It took everything in my power to make it happen, everything that could go initially wrong went wrong, but the matter of fact is that it finally happened. It changed who I am today and who I will be for the rest of my life.
I also finished my course and graduated with honours. It was a struggle going back to school yet again, but one I am proud of because I exceeded my own expectations.
Finally, my solo trip to Thailand and Malaysia. Who would’ve thought a year ago I’d be on the other side of the world, alone, experiencing a whole different life.
I guess, I had quite the blessed year. My life has completely changed. I may have lost people along the way but I have gained so much more than what I lost and I am so grateful for everyone and everything that has happened in my life this year!
Here’s to me and all my gains! 🥂
~Tamana xoxo 💕