All posts by Tamana

All Shades of Dramatic. Mom-In-Training. Extremist with a melodramatic attitude. Writer with passion. Lover with no limitations.

Standing Still With Anxiety Attacks

It seems like nowadays I am just standing still but the world around me is moving so fast. I feel like nothing is happening. I feel like I am right where I was six months ago. I feel like nothing has changed; however, deep down inside of me I know a lot has changed.

I know I am not standing still. I know I am moving forward. I know the little changes and the little mindsets that I have set for myself are doing things and improving the quality of my life. However, I do not see the results as quickly as I had hoped I would.

Many things have happened over the past several months. Unfortunately, I am not yet ready to openly discuss them. However, situations have occurred and are occurring. But this feeling of being stuck is what is causing me despair and anxiety.

Since last October, after my trip to Malaysia and Phuket, I developed anxiety attacks. At first, I didn’t understand what was happening to me or how to deal with them. Over the past nine months the attacks have increased in frequency and intensity.

I have always been the type of person to control my emotions and handle my depression and like my depression I thought I was handling these attacks (that is, once I figured out what they were). But a month or so ago, I was in crisis. I had one of the worst anxiety attacks and moments of weakness I have ever endured. No matter what I tried, nothing helped; I wrote, I did breathing exercises, I took a cool shower, I ate a light meal and drank tons of water, I even meditated and prayed.

Nothing worked and it so happened that at my weakest moment, I remembered a girlfriend had dealt with anxiety and panic attacks in the past. I messaged her and thankfully she responded quickly. After I explained to her how I was feeling and what I was going through, she identified my so-called weakness as anxiety attacks and stayed on the phone with me until I calmed down. She advised me to speak to my physician and get help as soon as possible and I did just that.

I called my physician’s office first thing the next morning and explained to him what I had been going through and the events of the night before. He too diagnosed my behaviour and symptoms as anxiety attacks and prescribed anti-anxiety pills to help ease the emotions and symptoms and antidepressants for ongoing use, along with a follow-up psychiatric assessment as soon as the lockdown was over.

It has been about four weeks since all of this took place and I am still waiting for the psychiatric assessment. In the meantime, I have been taking the medication prescribed to me. I personally didn’t take notice to my mood, feelings or behaviour changing over the past four weeks.

My daughter, on the other hand, did. She noticed a huge difference in my mood, in the tone of my voice and in my behaviour. I remember, we were sitting in the balcony listening to music while she blew bubbles. She suddenly stopped and turned to me and stated, “Mom, you seem happier nowadays!”

I couldn’t believe it. My seven-year old immediately picked up on the changes I myself hadn’t taken notice to. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was feeling happier, less stressed, angry or upset lately. I noticed I was getting out of bed more often and even taking her for daily walks and making plans for fun activities. Five months of misery and depression had finally started to fade away.

I am so grateful for that girlfriend, who stayed with me during my crisis and quickly identified my issues. I am so grateful for that physician who asked all the right questions and didn’t rush me off the phone or dismissed my symptoms. I am so grateful that medications like these exist to help people immediately deal with their crisis’s.

I know, I am not completely cured and still have a lot of psychological issues that need to be dealt with. In due time, I will seek the help I need from a psychiatrist. However, for the moment, I have to say Alhamdullilah for getting the urgent help I needed during my time of need.

I normally don’t give advise, however, if you or a loved one is feeling anxious, uneasy, depressed, suicidal or are in crisis, please seek help from loved ones and professionals; from a first hand experience, I promise you, it will be worth it. Please don’t let the stigma about mental health stop you from getting the help you need. Life is too precious to let our demons take over us and win.

July’s State of Mind: Calm

I feel calm today. I haven’t felt this way in a long while. My mind is relaxed; it’s not rushing with what-if’s and why-nots. It’s just calm. Quiet. Stopped.

The past few months have been exhausting and emotionally draining. I have been fighting for my place. I have been fighting for my priority. I have been fighting for my right.

During the month of Ramadan, I prayed five times a day, I made endless dua’as (prayers) begging Allah to grant me the deepest desires of my heart. I prayed every single night during the last ten nights of Ramadan with the hope of praying during Laylatul Qadr (the most blessed night of Ramadan, when the Quran was revealed. Also, known as the night when millions of angels descend and Allah grants wishes and prayers). I cried every time my head bowed in sujjud (prostration).

My dua’as haven’t been granted yet. But I realize today that he (Allah swt) has heard my call, my dua’as have been added to the other billions of dua’as made and it is just a matter of time when my dua’as will be granted.

Maybe that’s why I feel at ease today. Or could it be that I have exhausted my mind so much that it no longer wants to fight or question life. Maybe I have come to terms with that quote I strongly believe that “what shall be yours will inevitably be yours”. Or maybe I am learning to settle and compromise with what I have instead of fighting for what I want.

My faith is much stronger than it was six months ago; Alhamdullilah for that. Alhamdullilah for everything I have learned these past 6-9 months. It’s changed a lot of who I was and taught me to breathe, to disconnect, to find my solidarity, take care of the little things first and tackle the big ones slowly.

My state of mind hasn’t been calm in a very, long time and no matter what the reason is today, all I can say is I’m grateful and hopeful for whatever is coming my way next. InshAllah July brings with it beautiful, peaceful moments and the state of calm remains for me and all of you!

Xoxo ~ Tamana

Happy Birthday Soul Mate

Homemade KitKat, Smarties chocolate explosion cake

I know, you are not going to read this today. I know, you are so busy with life and won’t have the time; however, I wanted to write you a quick birthday letter because I know, eventually, one day you will come across this post and will come to realize how special you are to me.

We may be physically apart today but you know, I am forever with you in spirit as you are with me. We may not get to celebrate together today, InshAllah, in time, we will.

I know, we have spent so many special occasions apart, but that doesn’t mean we should not celebrate one another. I know you tell me you don’t want anything special on your birthday, but how could I not celebrate one of the most important people in my life?

Words cannot explain how I feel about you. You are my strength. You are the one person I can rely on to be real with me at all times. You put up with all of my drama, craziness and many moods and very rarely complain. We have had our ups and downs but you have always made sure I didn’t stray away and kept me in line. You have stood by my side during some of the most difficult days of my life, although you weren’t physically here and we have stood the test of time and walked many narrow roads but at the end of every road we have found our way back to one another.

Today, I want to thank you for all of that. I want to thank you for being you. I want to thank you for being my strength, my support, and my therapist. But most importantly I want to thank you for being my best friend and never giving up on me.

I love you with all my heart and I wish life always treats you well. I wish you succeed in every aspect of life. I wish happiness follows you everywhere you go. May all your hopes and dreams come true and may you be given all the best life has to offer.

Happy Birthday Soul Mate! I pray on your next birthday that we are together and can celebrate it properly. However, for today, I hope you enjoy what’s been planned. Xoxo

Black Lives Matter (Part 2)

@jalaiyabart_

A couple of days ago I posted this post about why right now it was so important to support the Black Lives Matter movement. I shared the image of my post on twitter and Instagram and to my surprise I received messages from a couple of people stating “All Lives Matter”. I sent each and every one of them the exact same response:

“Yes they do. But right now it is about black lives. I’ll give you an example, all houses matter, but if one specific house is burning down right now, you’re going to throw water on that house to stop it from burning down and not at all of the houses.
Every life is precious. Every skin colour is just as important as the next. But when one skin colour is the target of brutality, discrimination and racism then all skin colours must come together in solidarity to stand up for that skin colour.”

A few of them understood by my example and agreed with me. But I received some very nasty responses from a few others. They threatened to block and unfollow me on all social platforms and report my posts if I continued to support and post about it.

To all of you that don’t understand why it is so extremely important that we stand behind our black brothers and sisters right now in solidarity, y’all can go fuck yourselves and gtfo my blog, my Instagram and Twitter because what you fail to understand is that you are contributing to the problem.

Every black and coloured person out there knows and I’m damn sure they believe it too that each and every life matters, whether it be black, white, orange or what have you. Each life matters. But they are fighting for that same equality that they deserve. They are fighting for justice against the many of the lives lost due to corrupt officials who took advantage of their power to discriminate against them because they are of a certain skin colour. They are fighting a basic human right: to be treated equally!

So, if you want to unfollow me because of my supporting the Black Lives Matter Movement then please do me the honour and block, unfollow and go fuck yourself!

We stand with you. We stand united. No lives matter until Black Lives Matter!

Black Lives Matter

Image source unknown

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

I try to stay away from political stuff on my blog. In the past, I have talked about injustice but have tried very hard to keep an unbiased opinion and stay quiet. However, explaining to my seven year old why tears were flowing from my eyes watching all the videos of protests on TikTok this evening has opened up so many wounds that were unforeseen because I didn’t want to cause attention to it.

I will say it loud and clear, I am proud to live in Canada and I am proud to be a Canadian. We have many benefits in this country that most can only wish for. However, discrimination and racism is not exempt from our society.

I have been called many names being a woman of colour. I have been overlooked because of the colour of my skin. I have been hated on and disrespected because of my skin colour or my ethnic clothes.

But I have never felt unsafe the way Black people feel. I have never had to tell my child to be careful of her actions because she is an Indian. I have never gone through even a spec of fear that my black friends have gone through.

No one deserves to die the way George Floyd died or the many others before him. The brutality endured by these men and women is sickening and inhumane.

The world needs a change. Our society needs to hear their voices and feel the pain every one of them feels. The world needs to realize the injustice people have gone through every single day of their lives.

I stand united with all of you fighting to have your voice heard. I take a knee for all the injustice in this world. I take a knee for change. Together we will fight this. Together we will rewrite history!

Product Review: GARNIER Whole Blends Castor Oil Remedy

My natural curls after using this product for 2 weeks

I use the Influenster app and I received the GARNIER While Blends Castor Oil Shampoo, Conditioner and Leave-In Treatment complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes.

First of all, all three products smell absolutely amazing! Being someone with a sensitivity to perfume, I am extremely careful with the products I use as the scents can cause me to have an asthma attack. Although, the scent is high in this line of products, they are soft, natural scents and haven’t triggered my asthma; which I absolutely love!

Let’s talk about each product individually, starting with the Shampoo. After two weeks of using the product, I have to say I am quite impressed with this shampoo. First off, it smells amazing! Secondly, I found that it cleanses away all the buildup of product in your hair. My hair is naturally curly but I straighten it often and my curls haven’t been very formed until I started using this shampoo. My curls have returned!!!!

Having damaged and very dry ends, I’ve found that this conditioner is light-weight and leaves my hair feeling soft and looking shining. It’s easy to rinse out and I’ve even used it as a treatment by applying it in my hair for 5-10 minutes and wrapping a warm towel on it and then rinsing it off. I’ve noticed my curls look more defined and my hairs natural shine has returned.

I was excited about using this leave-in treatment, however, I find it leaves my hair feeling sticky. It smells great but my naturally curly hair felt weighed down and sticky. I wish this product absorbed into my hair and defined my curls instead of just sitting on the hair like paste. Disappointed because the shampoo and conditioner are absolutely amazing.

My overall all review is that, I would definitely purchase both the shampoo and conditioner but will be skipping the treatment.

Thanks GARNIER and Influenster for giving me the opportunity to try this product complimentary!

Stay Safe Out There!

I know I’ve abandoned my blog lately; a lot has happened over the past several months that required my more immediate response than my blog.

But I’m still around. I had a couple of health issues arise over the past couple of weeks that are slowly resolving themselves. No corona! Thankfully! 🙏🏼

I hope you’re staying safe and are taking this coronavirus crisis seriously. No one is immune to it and everyone is vulnerable. Please keep yourself and your loved ones safe, listen to your local authorities, stay home and regularly perform safe hand-hygiene and lets all pray for our healthcare workers that are putting themselves on the line to make sure we’re all safe!

I will try to post a little more frequently as soon as I can. In the meantime, keep me in your prays as I’ll keep all of you in mine. 🙏🏼🤲🏻

Xoxo ~ Tamana