Category Archives: Emotional

Happy, sad, confused, scared, worried – the list goes on…my emotional threads are all listed here

Saying Yes To Anti-Depressants Can Change Your Life

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I recently had the opportunity to share my story on the Positive People Army blog. Here’s the story below. The Positive People Army is about people sharing their stories and possibly receive support from the army so that we can all overcome our issues and join together. Here’s my story from the Positive People Army blog. Make sure to check them out!

A year ago, I was prescribed anti-depressants to deal with my depression, I didn’t take them.

There is so much negativity around taking anti-depressant, especially in my Indian culture. Taking a pill to deal with yourself is a sign of weakness and you are labelled as crazy or mentally unstable.

Even my parents had this thinking.

Taking pills for mental health and/or speaking to a psychiatrist meant you were needy and unfit. It was a big taboo.

So, I never took anti-depressant, no matter what happened in my life and how badly it affected the person I was becoming.

Growing up, I was the tough-child. Nothing phased me. I could get through everything without shedding a tear, or so everyone believed. However I cried myself to sleep a million times. Never in front of anyone.

I kept a diary and put my heart and soul on paper. I refused to let my hard-exterior drop in front of others.

This went on for years and years until I finally started cutting myself. Did your jaw just drop at the news of that?

Cutting oneself is a different kind of high that many people don’t understand. When you are battling your worst demons and your heart hurts, it is nearly impossible to rid yourself of the pain you are experiencing.

This is where cutting came in for me. If I could inflict physical pain to myself, then maybe the internal pain would stop. And it did. For some time.

You don’t cut to kill yourself. Anyone that has ever gotten to the point of cutting themselves, knows this and knows how and where to cut. If they don’t, they’ll definitely look it up.

For me, it was this mindset that I needed to do anything in the world to get the pain out of my mind and soul and so I cut. At the time, this was my logic.

Fifteen – twenty years later and slightly wiser, I know cutting won’t rid me of my demons or pains. If anything, It will make me weaker knowing I gave into my misery.

Yet the depression still exists.

This past year year I have felt defeated. I have felt lost. I have felt hopeless, almost pathetic. I felt like running away.

I even lay in bed a few nights ago and thought how my husband and child’s lives would be should I pass-away suddenly. No, I didn’t plan my suicide or even consider doing it. It was just thoughts of whether I am helping their lives or putting them through more misery.  Am I making their lives any better or easier? Am I giving them happiness? Or are they secretly as depressed as I am because of my depression?

After fighting myself all year I finally decided to take an anti-depressant. After much thought, reading and research, it became clear to me, that this is the way to go. I don’t know what the outcome of this tiny pill will be; all I can hope for is that it helps me control these extreme highs and lows I have felt

I urgently made an appointment with my family doctor.

I met with him and gave him the details of this episode. He knows the history, he knows the triggers. He knows it must have been so bad this time around that I HAD to see him immediately. And after a long chat, he prescribed me with Wellbutrin. It’s going to help calm things down, I hope.

I take a pill every morning. Anti-depressants don’t take effect immediately. But this was the beginning to managing my mental-health and stability.

Sometimes a new beginning is all you need.

That beginning moved me towards a new me. A less emotionally charged and unlikely quickly agitated me.

The pills helped, there’s no question about it.

I used my energy to do more and become a domestic diva. I pushed myself to try new recipes and elaborate my skill of cooking. I invested my efforts and time in creating selling sunburst mirrors.

The mirrors reflect a piece of me bursting out like the rays of the sun, to shine and shimmer in my house and life. I look at my wall of mirrors and each one tells me a story of a day or week I felt weak but overcame my weakness.

They are my pride and my happiness hanging on the wall. I sell my mirrors because I want everyone I know and the ones I don’t know to have a burst of shine and happiness in their lives and with all the money I raise, a small portion of it goes towards a happy evening of food and family celebrating.  The other portion goes towards helping a charity I strongly believe in.

I know enjoy celebrating. This is now what my life is all about.

Anti-depressants helped me re-start my life.

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Never Put More Faith In Someone Than They Deserve

197075_1291417941423_5872494_nSometimes people come in our lives and immediately become one of the most important people you’ll ever meet. You become so close to them, trust them with your deepest, darkest secrets and rely on them to be everything you were lacking in your life.

You trust them with everything you are and give them so much importance. But sometimes, these people take the importance you are giving them for granted. They treat you with disrespect and are mean at times, but because you have made them out to be so important in your life that you overlook all the terrible things they say or do. You ignore the fact that they are verbally and emotionally hurting you. It’s like you’ve got an imaginary blindfold over your eyes. You see everything they are doing, but you don’t let it bother you because they are your friend, they are important, they are everything and everyone you rely on.

But you are nothing for them. You don’t have any importance in their life. You are just another person they meet and talk to. They continue to be mean to you and say things that should hurt you. But you ignore it all. You continue on with your ignorance and stupidity.

Until one day, everything explodes. All secrets are unveiled. All lies told. All truths opened. The world around you shatters. The walls cave in and you are left defenceless, helpless, vulnerable and exposed. With nowhere to turn, you face the reality of your ignorance and are hit head-on with things you never thought others would know.

Here I am today; completely exposed. So, what do I do next? Any suggestions? Because today, I am completely lost. I put my life and trust in the hands of a friend, that betrayed me in the worst possible way. It was my fault, I admit it. It was all my fault. But what do I do now?

Saying Goodbye Is The Hardest Part

heartbrokenThe last viewing I went to was for my grandfather. He was in his early 80s. He passed away peacefully, the same way my grandmother did; heart attack, followed by brain-hemorrhage and then coma. I know it doesn’t sound peaceful, but it was. Both of them were gone the second their hearts had stopped. I didn’t cry in the ICU when the plug was pulled. Out of the hundreds of attendees, I was probably the only one that didn’t cry during their service.

Yesterday, I could not help but cry. As hard as I tried to laugh at some of the memories and stories my colleagues were telling me, I couldn’t push back the tears fast enough for none of them to notice. It was one of the most difficult days I’ve had in the past few years. I had never been to a viewing for someone so young. Matter-of-fact, this viewing was the third I had been to in my entire life. I know she wasn’t there anymore, but her body was. She looked peaceful and pain-free. She had battled a long, nasty fight with cancer and sadly the cancer had won.

It was not something any of us had expected, here in the office. It took many of us by shock. For me specifically, I didn’t believe it when my other colleague had text me on Monday to give me the bad news. I didn’t believe it when I saw the email go out to our department from her boss. I didn’t believe it when I got back in the office yesterday morning and a colleague that sits directly in front of me walked in, turned towards me and with the saddest eyes gave me a nod and half-smile verifying that I know exactly what her words were unable to tell me. I didn’t believe it when 11am came and the pack of us got up to leave to go to the service. I didn’t believe it when we drove down to the funeral home and walked in.  I didn’t believe it when the photo at the entrance of the hall had her in it.

My mind, my body, my being was in complete denial until the moment I saw her laying there.

Then it was realization. Acceptance. Then, an overwhelming feeling of grief took over every single inch of my body, my eyes teared up quickly.  But how could I cry? No one had seen me cry before. I was a tough-cookie, that was the perception everyone had of me. And there I was, center of the hall, surrounded by colleagues and her family and friends, letting the grief of her passing flowing out of me with no self-control left. I felt numb, my knees wobbled and my heart sank.

When I got home last night, I kept myself exceptionally busy. I cleaned, I cooked, I picked up Ni, showered her, fed her, played with her, focused so closely at the TV as she watched Caillou. But after she fell asleep, I was alone for what felt like the longest two hours of my life before D got home. Although, I texted a friend and tried to keep myself occupied, it was no use. I was tracking the page views and visitors on my blog; the numbers sky-rocketed. I knew people were reading my tribute to her. And every time I opened my blog page, there was her photo, shining, smiling at me, telling me it was okay, telling me to be strong and I will get through this. Even in her death, her smile was comforting me.

I didn’t sleep much last night. I kept remembering her. My mind was disturbed and my heart, sore. The tears had stopped. All my thoughts had disappeared. I felt numb, as I do this morning.

I said my goodbye to her yesterday, but here I am writing about her again. Maybe I haven’t fully said my goodbye. The hardest part is saying goodbye, when all you want to do is joke and laugh a bit more.

The saying goes, “everyone grieves differently”. That’s true. But what happens when you can’t let go? I wasn’t over Patricia’s death yet. Her photo, her name, her Facebook profile creeps up time and time again. And now, Jo’s death has opened the wound that hadn’t healed in the first place…

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A Final Goodbye

Jo WallworkYesterday I learned of another friend and colleague losing her battle to cancer. She had fought so hard, for so long and passed away in her sleep on Saturday, July 25th.

The hardest part is knowing that barely anyone knew at work that things had taken such a drastic turn for the worst. I had just messaged her on Facebook last Tuesday after reading she had been in the hospital. I wanted to make sure she was doing okay and it wasn’t anything serious. I wish she had responded. I wish she had told me that things were getting bad and let me come visit her.

Dearest Jo,

My heart aches terribly to hear of your passing. I know how hard you fought and how strong you’ve been over the past couple of years, stronger than anyone else I’ve known. You always had a smile on your face and never let this cancer thing get the best of you. Even though you were fighting the toughest battle of your life, you always made sure the ones around you were doing okay. It always amazed me at how confident and put-together you always were.

I remember working on the holiday guide with you. We were constantly at each others throats when it came to that specific project. We even yelled at each other on the day of the launch. But you didn’t let that come between our friendship. You were that type of person; you kept work and friendships separate, although they were interconnected. I envied that about you.

My dear friend and colleague, Jo I will truly miss you and thank you for being a friend. I thank you for all the support and love you gave me over the few years we had known each other. I thank you for letting me get to know you and appreciate what a wonderful person you were.

I wish your family, your son, your spouse and everyone else that had the privilege of getting to know you, strength during this difficult time. I wish them patience and time to accept and handle the pain they are feeling. But most of all, I wish them memories and love for you, for which I know they will forever keep in their hearts.

Rest in Peace, Jo Wallwork. You will never be forgotten.

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Six Word Stories: 133.

I recently started going through the WordPress Community Pool, reading various blogs, providing my feedback and being so inspired by the amazing writers that make up this community.

Sometimes, when you are all wrapped up in your own torment, you forget that there are so many other things and people in the world that can inspire you to brighten and freshen up your day.

Someone has inspired me this morning. Her name is Nina. She writes 50 word stories and six word stories. I was skeptical when I first read her comments on the community pool. I mean, how could six words form a story? That’s impossible isn’t it? But it isn’t and this very talented writer has proven me wrong.

I’m reblogging this one specifically because I just love it. It says so much in such little words. Check out here blog and be inspired as I am this morning: In Noir Velvet.

The Decision To Take Anti-Depressants

Emptiness

A while ago, I was prescribed anti-depressant to deal with my depression, I didn’t take them. There is so much negativity around taking anti-depressant, especially in my culture. Taking a pill to deal with yourself is a sign of weakness and you are labelled as retarded or mentally unstable.

Even my parents had this thinking. Taking pills for mental health and/or speaking to a psychiatrist meant you were needy and unfit. It was a big taboo. So, I never took anti-depressant, no matter what happened in my life and how badly it affected the person I was becoming.

Growing up, I was the tough-child. Nothing phased me. I could get through everything without shedding a tear, or so everyone believed. But I cried myself to sleep a million times, never in front of anyone. I kept a diary and put my heart and soul on paper. But refused to let my hard-exterior drop in front of others. This went on for years and years until I finally started cutting myself. Did your jaw just drop at the news of that?

Cutting oneself is a different kind of high that many people do not understand. When you are battling your worst demons and your heart hurts, it is nearly impossible to rid yourself of the pain you are experiencing. This is where cutting came in for me; if I could inflict physical pain to myself, then maybe the internal pain would stop. And it did. For some time.

You don’t cut to kill yourself. Anyone that has ever gotten to the point of cutting themselves, knows this and knows how and where to cut and if they don’t, they’ll indefinitely look it up. For me, it was this mindset that I needed to do anything in the world to get the pain out of my mind and soul and so I cut. At the time, this was my logic. 15-20 years later and slightly wiser, I know cutting won’t rid me of my demons or pains. If anything, I’ll make me weaker knowing I gave into my misery.

Today I have decided to take an anti-depressant. After much thought, reading and research, it became clear to me, that this is the way to go. I don’t know what the outcome of this tiny pill will be; all I can hope for is that it helps me control these extreme highs and lows I have felt for the past while, especially this week.

This week, I have felt defeated. I have felt lost. I have felt hopeless, almost pathetic. I felt like running away. I even lay in bed a few nights ago and thought how my husband and child’s lives would be should I pass-away suddenly. No, I didn’t plan my suicide or even consider doing it. It was just thoughts of am I helping their lives? Am I making their lives any better or easier? Am I giving them happiness? Or are they secretly as depressed as I am because of my depression?

After fighting myself all week, I urgently made an appointment with my family doctor, met with him and gave him the details of this episode. He knows the history, he knows the triggers. He knows it must have been so bad this time around that I HAD to see him immediately. And after a long chat, he prescribed me with Wellbutrin. It’s going to help calm things down, I hope.

I took a pill this morning. anti-depressant don’t take effect immediately. But this is a beginning to managing my mental-health and stability.

Some times a new beginning is all you need.

My Dad Is A Liar

This is an absolutely beautiful commercial. Had me in tears, so I had to share! Parents do so much for us and sacrifice so much for us. It’s nice to see videos like this during our busy work lives, that remind us of how valuable our parents are. Go hug your parents and tell them how much you love them after watching this video. If your parents are with God now, then say a prayer for them and still tell them how much you love them and miss them.