Category Archives: My Life

Life of a mom-in-training. Everything from emotional confessions, relationships details and tips and daily life.

Standing Still With Anxiety Attacks

It seems like nowadays I am just standing still but the world around me is moving so fast. I feel like nothing is happening. I feel like I am right where I was six months ago. I feel like nothing has changed; however, deep down inside of me I know a lot has changed.

I know I am not standing still. I know I am moving forward. I know the little changes and the little mindsets that I have set for myself are doing things and improving the quality of my life. However, I do not see the results as quickly as I had hoped I would.

Many things have happened over the past several months. Unfortunately, I am not yet ready to openly discuss them. However, situations have occurred and are occurring. But this feeling of being stuck is what is causing me despair and anxiety.

Since last October, after my trip to Malaysia and Phuket, I developed anxiety attacks. At first, I didn’t understand what was happening to me or how to deal with them. Over the past nine months the attacks have increased in frequency and intensity.

I have always been the type of person to control my emotions and handle my depression and like my depression I thought I was handling these attacks (that is, once I figured out what they were). But a month or so ago, I was in crisis. I had one of the worst anxiety attacks and moments of weakness I have ever endured. No matter what I tried, nothing helped; I wrote, I did breathing exercises, I took a cool shower, I ate a light meal and drank tons of water, I even meditated and prayed.

Nothing worked and it so happened that at my weakest moment, I remembered a girlfriend had dealt with anxiety and panic attacks in the past. I messaged her and thankfully she responded quickly. After I explained to her how I was feeling and what I was going through, she identified my so-called weakness as anxiety attacks and stayed on the phone with me until I calmed down. She advised me to speak to my physician and get help as soon as possible and I did just that.

I called my physician’s office first thing the next morning and explained to him what I had been going through and the events of the night before. He too diagnosed my behaviour and symptoms as anxiety attacks and prescribed anti-anxiety pills to help ease the emotions and symptoms and antidepressants for ongoing use, along with a follow-up psychiatric assessment as soon as the lockdown was over.

It has been about four weeks since all of this took place and I am still waiting for the psychiatric assessment. In the meantime, I have been taking the medication prescribed to me. I personally didn’t take notice to my mood, feelings or behaviour changing over the past four weeks.

My daughter, on the other hand, did. She noticed a huge difference in my mood, in the tone of my voice and in my behaviour. I remember, we were sitting in the balcony listening to music while she blew bubbles. She suddenly stopped and turned to me and stated, “Mom, you seem happier nowadays!”

I couldn’t believe it. My seven-year old immediately picked up on the changes I myself hadn’t taken notice to. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was feeling happier, less stressed, angry or upset lately. I noticed I was getting out of bed more often and even taking her for daily walks and making plans for fun activities. Five months of misery and depression had finally started to fade away.

I am so grateful for that girlfriend, who stayed with me during my crisis and quickly identified my issues. I am so grateful for that physician who asked all the right questions and didn’t rush me off the phone or dismissed my symptoms. I am so grateful that medications like these exist to help people immediately deal with their crisis’s.

I know, I am not completely cured and still have a lot of psychological issues that need to be dealt with. In due time, I will seek the help I need from a psychiatrist. However, for the moment, I have to say Alhamdullilah for getting the urgent help I needed during my time of need.

I normally don’t give advise, however, if you or a loved one is feeling anxious, uneasy, depressed, suicidal or are in crisis, please seek help from loved ones and professionals; from a first hand experience, I promise you, it will be worth it. Please don’t let the stigma about mental health stop you from getting the help you need. Life is too precious to let our demons take over us and win.

July’s State of Mind: Calm

I feel calm today. I haven’t felt this way in a long while. My mind is relaxed; it’s not rushing with what-if’s and why-nots. It’s just calm. Quiet. Stopped.

The past few months have been exhausting and emotionally draining. I have been fighting for my place. I have been fighting for my priority. I have been fighting for my right.

During the month of Ramadan, I prayed five times a day, I made endless dua’as (prayers) begging Allah to grant me the deepest desires of my heart. I prayed every single night during the last ten nights of Ramadan with the hope of praying during Laylatul Qadr (the most blessed night of Ramadan, when the Quran was revealed. Also, known as the night when millions of angels descend and Allah grants wishes and prayers). I cried every time my head bowed in sujjud (prostration).

My dua’as haven’t been granted yet. But I realize today that he (Allah swt) has heard my call, my dua’as have been added to the other billions of dua’as made and it is just a matter of time when my dua’as will be granted.

Maybe that’s why I feel at ease today. Or could it be that I have exhausted my mind so much that it no longer wants to fight or question life. Maybe I have come to terms with that quote I strongly believe that “what shall be yours will inevitably be yours”. Or maybe I am learning to settle and compromise with what I have instead of fighting for what I want.

My faith is much stronger than it was six months ago; Alhamdullilah for that. Alhamdullilah for everything I have learned these past 6-9 months. It’s changed a lot of who I was and taught me to breathe, to disconnect, to find my solidarity, take care of the little things first and tackle the big ones slowly.

My state of mind hasn’t been calm in a very, long time and no matter what the reason is today, all I can say is I’m grateful and hopeful for whatever is coming my way next. InshAllah July brings with it beautiful, peaceful moments and the state of calm remains for me and all of you!

Xoxo ~ Tamana

Happy Birthday Soul Mate

Homemade KitKat, Smarties chocolate explosion cake

I know, you are not going to read this today. I know, you are so busy with life and won’t have the time; however, I wanted to write you a quick birthday letter because I know, eventually, one day you will come across this post and will come to realize how special you are to me.

We may be physically apart today but you know, I am forever with you in spirit as you are with me. We may not get to celebrate together today, InshAllah, in time, we will.

I know, we have spent so many special occasions apart, but that doesn’t mean we should not celebrate one another. I know you tell me you don’t want anything special on your birthday, but how could I not celebrate one of the most important people in my life?

Words cannot explain how I feel about you. You are my strength. You are the one person I can rely on to be real with me at all times. You put up with all of my drama, craziness and many moods and very rarely complain. We have had our ups and downs but you have always made sure I didn’t stray away and kept me in line. You have stood by my side during some of the most difficult days of my life, although you weren’t physically here and we have stood the test of time and walked many narrow roads but at the end of every road we have found our way back to one another.

Today, I want to thank you for all of that. I want to thank you for being you. I want to thank you for being my strength, my support, and my therapist. But most importantly I want to thank you for being my best friend and never giving up on me.

I love you with all my heart and I wish life always treats you well. I wish you succeed in every aspect of life. I wish happiness follows you everywhere you go. May all your hopes and dreams come true and may you be given all the best life has to offer.

Happy Birthday Soul Mate! I pray on your next birthday that we are together and can celebrate it properly. However, for today, I hope you enjoy what’s been planned. Xoxo

Alone – Random Thoughts

My mind has been playing games with me daily, I have been having extreme highs and even more extreme lows. One day, I appreciate the world, the things around me, the people that haven’t strayed away from me and the things I have. The next day, I feel confused, baffled by my lack of energy and determination to go on, alone, depressed and a general hatred for humanity.

I have put myself in situations that may seem stupid or unnecessary to an onlooker, but deep within the depths of my soul, I know these situations were a long-time coming. I stirred the pot and am now paying the consequences of my interference.

But I have come to realize that when you want a change, when you want betterment, when you realize your self-worth and demand it from the people and things around you, it becomes a journey you have to go through alone.

Yes, there are a few souls I am blessed with who check-up on me from time to time, wanting to make sure I am still here and wanting to know that I haven’t let my darkness overcome my soul. These souls, I am ever so grateful for.

However, I cannot be completely open with any of them. I have found myself hiding bitter details from every one of them, whether it’s one thing or another. The soul that truly knows me is the one I hide my miseries from the most because that soul is burdened by their own situations and wouldn’t be able to carry the weight of mine along with theirs.

So, on the nights when my soul and being is dark, low and disturbed, I find myself feeling extremely low and yearning to let everything out. The weight of these burdens feels overwhelming and exhausting causing me to feel alone.

In this moment, the loneliness I feel is beyond any loneliness I have ever felt.

I am coming to realize and understand (slowly), that this is a journey I need to go through alone. No one can save me from the situations I have caused, except for myself. I just wish that all the energy, love and time I had sacrificed for others was reciprocated right now, because fighting your demons on your own is a lonely and scary scenario to overcome.

But I still stand alone and will stand alone for as long as it takes to overcome this chapter of my life because as the saying goes:

This too, shall pass.”

~Tamana

Happy New Year!

May the new year bring you a fresh start, peace, happiness and love.

May you leave behind misery, depression and everything that has held you back in 2019 from reaching your true potential.

~Tamana

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you and your family, from me and mine! I hope this Christmas brings you all the love and joy you’ve asked Santa for.

We’re having a quiet one this year. Lots of changes in the works, so decided to keep it quiet while we figure out what the new year is about to bring us. But my little munchkin had an amazing time unwrapping her gifts and seeing the joy on her face reassured me that it’s all worth it in the end.

Stay blessed and cherish your loved ones this holiday season, for the best gifts are the ones that cannot be bought. Xoxo ✨❤️🎄✨

~Tamana

Living Our Best Fake Lives

A couple of days ago I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I have been an active member of Facebook for over nine years. However, over the past couple of weeks, I realized that everything we post on Facebook and other social media platforms is only partially true. We are all living our best fake lives when sharing them on social media websites and apps. We never post pictures of the depression we deal with or the miseries and setbacks we encounter.

Why is that?

Why is it that we must show the world our very best and not things that make us weak or fragile? After all, each and every one of us struggles with something or the other. But why is it that we only capture the good things that happen to us and share those? Why is it okay to suffer in solitude but celebrate in a crowd?

I recently read a quote that said:

We are a sad generation with happy pictures. – author unknown

The quote struck a nerve with me and resulted in me deactivating my Facebook account. I am tired of showing family and a few very close friends only the partial truth of my life. Yes, my Instagram account is still active and I post on it frequently but do you know what the difference between my Facebook and Instagram account is? My Facebook account had all my family from overseas on it and Instagram has a few friends, many acquaintances and tons of strangers on it. On Instagram I am open about my feelings and miseries, I frequently share quotes about things that may be happening in my life at the moment. Quite frankly, on Instagram I don’t care if anyone judges me because they are not family. But on Facebook, I posted the happy family moments, shared my achievements and celebrations. Because somewhere deep down I know that if I shared the miseries or full reality of my life, I would be judged by my family.

How pathetic is that? We wear a mask in front of our family and bare it all for complete strangers. But that is the reality many of us are living.

With all the changes happening in my life right now, I decided I didn’t want to pretend to be a happy person just for the sake of not being judged, so I deactivated my Facebook account. The family that wants to stay in touch with me will do so by other means and if they actually care enough to know what the full reality of my life is they’ll contact me and ask. Simple as that.

I’m done pretending that I’m living my best life, when in reality that isn’t the truth. Everyone has ups and downs in life, some more than others, either way, we all struggle. So, why put on a show pretending that all is perfect and well when the truth is far from that?

~Tamana