Independence

For as long as I can remember, the one thing that I’ve always fought for was the right to my independence. My independence to say, think and do as I please. My independence to act as I want. My independence to be who I want.

But today, I came to realize that I am not independent! I have been so dependent on Vie that I cannot think about anything but him. I cannot do anything without him. I cannot be who I want to be without him. He has become the center of my world.

This scares me!

Next Tuesday he is going out-of-town for a week. I will be by myself for the week. It scares me to think how I will pass the time. I have planned to finish off an essay I need to write for an English course, exercise a few times during the week, get more much-needed sleep and watch some movies.

Although, this should keep me quite busy all week, I know these plans will roll over and I will be sitting here in front of my computer starring at the screen, wondering what to do. I will drive myself crazy wondering what Vie is up to and think about when he will return back to me. I won’t get any of my above mentioned tasks done. The week will come and go and I will dwell on my loneliness only to realize that I am not independent at all and am rather a pathetic, hypercritical human being who does not know what she wants or who she is.

So, how do I become independent again? How am I to become the person I was for many years before I met Vie?

Advertisements

Inconsistency

Inconsistencies are ridiculous. They annoy me!

I am the type of person that appreciates routines and processes. But now, all around me there are many inconsistencies and this is frustrating me. I cannot stop this. I cannot retaliate. I cannot even express my frustration. I feel bound. This is a horrible feeling.

Where we work. Where we live. People we associate with. Every where and every thing at one point or another is inconsistent. But how can we adapt to all these inconsistencies? How do we just say ok and move on?

Currently, I am facing inconsistencies with my employer and with a family member. Both of which are out of my control. The company is making “adjustments”. People are moving out and about. I am not! I am staying put. I do like my employer and am happy to be working here. However, it just seems like lately, everyone is beating around the bush. No one wants to make firm decisions. No one wants to take a stand. This bothers me.

When I was hired, there was a consistency with the way things were done; with the way I was hired. Then  there was a consistent way of training me, of getting me set up, of making sure I was introduced to everyone and ready for my tasks. Now, nothing seems so routine.

The hiring process has changed. The training process has changed. The initial job offer process is changed. And not only that, but the process of which requests, complaints, and concepts has changed.

My family member:  she is consistent with her outbursts but not with her decisions. She calls my mother and complains about how miserable she feels and trapped she is. My mother is saddened by the situation and the lack of being able to help her. My mother hangs up the phone, calls me, cries to me that she is helpless. Then my family member calls my mom again and says that she is fine and not to worry. During her outbursts she tells my mother she cannot live where she lives anymore. During her “fine” times, she tells my mother she is happy. My family member is so confused and bases her decisions on her feelings. Not on the situation.

Things like this frustrate me. They are not in my control. I am stuck in between these changes feeling bound and unable.

Tsk. Tsk.

Daily Food Journal!

Oh my, looking at my blog  this morning makes me realize that I have not kept my journal up-to-date in the past week or so. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not following my routine. I have my morning breakfast, my portioned out meals and snacks, no salt and no pop. Except, on the weekends its harder to follow my routine.

You see with Vie it is very easy to get caught up with other things and not realizing where the time went. We like watching TV Series. Recently, we finished watching Criminal Minds. Well, not exactly finished. But we started from Season 1, Episode 1 and worked our way all the way until the current Season. Now, when the website we watch on gets updated with the latest Episode, we watch it! But since Criminal Minds is only on once a week, we’ve started watching Bones, from Season 1, that is!

I used to be into those sappy lovey-dovey types of shows. But I don’t know what changed me. Now I love watching anything that has to do with criminal investigation, reason and cause. Forensic type of stuff. Mind you, some of the scenes are a little too graphic for me but still, the storyline to many of these shows has got me coming back for more.

Anyway, back to my food journal.

I’m not going to be writing it any more. I’ve decided that if I am going to be “good” and follow my routine, then I cannot write about it. Writing about it or at least keeping a log about it makes it a chore and I hate chores!

So, I’m eliminating the Daily Food Journal category from my blog.

Hey! Don’t judge me! I am a new blogger and I’m allowed to flip and fold when I see that something isn’t working for me.

Up to this point though, I haven’t found my calling, yet. What I mean is, I haven’t found that ONE thing that interests me so much that it’s all I write about. You know, before I started this blog, I actually Googled: How to be a blogger. LOL. Stop laughing. I’m not a dork. I just didn’t know what it took to be a blogger. But the funny thing is that many of those websites, blogs and forums all said the same thing: Look for a specific topic that interests you.

I haven’t found that topic and quite frankly, I doubt I will. I just like to write. I like doing research too but only when I feel like it. Not when I’m required to. So, to sum up this post, lets just say you’re stuck with me babbling about whatever comes to mind!

Ciao~

p.s. I’ve moved all the Daily Food Journal posts into Everything Else.

Sanjay Dutt

     

When thinking through my list of fav celebs, I found it extremely difficult to decide which celeb I am going to begin talking about first.    

Would I pick the hottest? The oldest? The most famous? How would I decide?    

I went back to the collage I made on the Celebs page and stared at it for a long while. Wow, Preity has the cutest smile. Rani and Priyanka can transform one sec into sultry the next into innocence. Sush with her charismatic. Kajol with her ability to win your heart time and time again. SRK can cause you to fall in love in seconds. Sha sha with his “the boy next door” innocent smile. Aamir and his witty sense of film choices. Abhi with his east meets west styles and Sanju with his strong masculine presence.    

So, who do I choose? Fortunately, for Sanju, I’m strongly attracted to older men.    

Sanjay Dutt

 The older he gets, the sexier he looks. Sanjay Dutt is the winner for being my number 1 post on Bollywood celebs. I’ve picked Sanju because he’s talented, although his Munna Bhai movies are one too many. The first two movies were great, but now producer Vidhu Vinod Chopra and director Rajkumar Hirani are just pushing the movie plot a little too far. The latest of Munna Bhai (MB chale America) is just a dull, over-used series, in what we hope, is the last of the sequence.    

But Sanjay Dutt is a strong, bold man. His presence intimidates people. His piercing gaze keeps you at the edge of your seat. I think it’s the intoxicated eyes that keep me coming back for more.    

I met Sanju once in 2003 or ’04 in T.O. He was on a North American tour with Sallu and Bipasha (and a few others who I cannot recall). His single performances and duos with Sallu were the best I’ve seen. He had me dancing in my seat. Lucky for me, we had backstage passes and passes to the after party. Now, I must tell you, I am gaga over Sanju. He blew my mind in Khalnayak. His bad ass character in Kante had me awake at night fantasizing. For as long as I can remember, Sanju has always been my number one!    

So, of course, if he was going to be in T.O, I was going to be there, close and personal! (che…not like that..lol) After one of his performances with Sallu, we were waiting back stage. As you can imagine, there were many other girls falling all over him. I’m not the type to jump on an actor or run after him for an autograph. I’m more of the type to say hi, shake his hand, and maybe get a picture of myself and him together.    

So, as Sanju was walking to his dressing room, pushing through the crowd, I approached him. He didn’t even smile. There was a hotter girl standing slightly behind me and Sanju pushed me out-of-the-way and grabbed her arm to talk to her and take pictures with her. 😦 I was heart-broken but I tried again. But still no response, no acknowledgement. Sadly, I told my friend, let’s get out of here. This is a total waste of time. Unless you are “model-like”, he’s not going to notice you. And this was true. It wasn’t just me who he pushed away. Any girl who wasn’t “hot” he didn’t acknowledge her.    

Sadly, that was the last memory I have of Sanju. Although, he will always hold a small place in my heart, he is not the man I thought him to be.  Regardless of how many people say that Sanju is a good man, he is kind at heart, etc.; the fact of the matter is that he does not respect his fans equally. Ass and tits are what matter to the man, not loyalty, respect and love.    

Closure    

The reason I chose Sanju as my first choice, regardless of the experience I had with him, is still that he is an extremely attractive, strong man. He has a strong presence in the industry and his ability to act is that of a rare kind. He is a talented actor and an asset to Bollywood. I still give him ****/5.

Not Knowing

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, physically that is. I stood up to go get hot water for my tea and felt extremely dizzy and started seeing black spots. My ears felt like they needed to pop and a headache with nausea began.

If I was home I’d run to the Doc’s office but I’m at work. I cannot just say something is wrong and take off. I’ll go after work this afternoon.

But what’s worst? Not knowing what’s wrong or knowing?

UPDATE: (8:40am – Jan. 20, 2010)

Called tele-health last night after not feeling well for over 6 hours. They don’t give you a diagnosis, however make recommendations to seek medical attention. I was asked to seek medical attention within the next 4 hours. So, I asked, “Can you give me any hint to what this could be? Is it a tumor? Or a diabetes sign?” He replied, “I’m sorry, I’m not legally allowed to give hints or diagnose an illness. However, I will tell you that I didn’t suggest you seek medical attention within the next 24 hours or a few days, I”m suggesting you seek attention within the next 4 hours. You can see seriousness of the situation. Although, I’m not suggesting you need to call an ambulance either. Do you understand?” I did! It’s serious just not dier.

However, at 8 o’clock in the evening, there aren’t any doctor’s offices open. I could’ve go to the emerge or an after hours clinic. But my head hurts, I’m dizzy, nauseuous and cannot drive. Vie is in class. So, I decided if the next morning I wasn’t feeling better, I’d take off from work and go “seek medical help”.

This morning, the heaviness is still slightly pressing down on my temple but the nausea and dizziness is gone. So, I decided to come to work. I know I probably should have gone to the doctor’s first but maybe it can wait until after work. My physician is on vacation anyway, so I’ve gotta spend my lunch calling walk-in medical facilities and try to make an appointment.

I’ve gotta get back to work now. But I’ll keep this thread updated with what and how the doctor’s visit was.

Unlucky

I just remembered to check that lotto max ticket during my lunch. Sadly, my ticket was not in one of the winning tickets. 😦

Bubye goes all those fantasies and dreams. For the moment, at least! 🙂 I’m still determined. Not to win the lottery, but to earn every thing.

Just thought, I’d update on the winnings! 🙂

Sidetracked

Wednesday and Thursday were such good days for eating and logging in what I had eaten. And then Thursday evening I went home, thinking I’ll log this evening’s consumption tomorrow (Friday) morning. Friday morning came and it was so hectic at work; that I didn’t get a moment to myself.

Friday evening Vie was waiting for me underneath my building when I got off work. He was hungry. Me too! I told him I had a craving for wedges. We went to Metro and picked up Nachos, Tex Mex cheese, salsa, potato wedges, and a baked chicken.

When we got home, the only thing I nibbled on were the wedges. Oh how potato does wonders to the body. Later that evening, I had some nachos with cheese and salsa.

Saturday was a little better. Vie got off school around 2pm. I had a late night and didn’t go to sleep until 5:30am, so, I woke up pretty late too. By the time he came over, I had brewed a pot of coffee and had eggs ready to cook. We ate two eggs each, his scrambled, mine sunny side up, two slices of whole-grain toast and coffee with a glass of water. Throughout the day we had light snacks, I think a cup of yogurt was one of them. Dinner was something both of us love, it’s very light but filling. I made two packs of Mr.Noodles with soup. Later that evening, I recall having an apple and then a coffee when we went out for our late night drive.

Sunday was not as bad as Friday but not as good as the rest of the week. I had my breakfast around 8am. Toast with cream cheese and later a smoothie. Actually I had my smoothie twice that morning. I was up so early that tummy was in starvation mode. But I made sure to portion it out. Lunch was a spicy beef patty in a coco-bun. Obviously, I was hungry pretty soon after the beef patty. I had the worst craving for a whopper! Sigh. I got sidetracked and told Vie that I really needed to have one.

He was hesitant. But I told him that I needed to cheat. I had been good for over a week now and if I didn’t cheat, I’d probably fall off. Thinking back to that conversation, I believe I was trying to convince myself more so than him. But he said, “Ok, as long as you know that on Monday you have to get back on.” I said, “Yup, I do and don’t worry; I’m more serious about this than it may seem.” He nodded, gave me a smile and drove us to Burger King.

Now, normally, I would order the Whopper combo. (Fries and a medium coke) And normally, I’d finish everything. But this time, I only got the Whopper. I knew I was cheating, I just didn’t want to fully give in. 🙂 Oh boy did that Whopper taste ever so good. But today’s Monday and I am back on track.

I need to work on my weekend consumption. It’s so easy to get sidetracked because I have no routine on the weekends. I sleep late on Friday and Saturday night to compensate for sleeping early and waking up really early during the week; which causes me to wake up late on the weekends. I eat when Vie comes over instead of sticking to my normal routine of having breakfast soon after I wake up. This really needs to change.

This weekend I think I’m going to try to work on a routine with my eating habits and maybe start an exercise routine.

In general, I want to start exercising during the week as well. But the morning workout has me really turned off. I read somewhere that you can do 10 minutes of stretches in the morning and in the evening do a 20-30 minute workout. Maybe, I’m going to try this, starting tomorrow. 

I’ll keep you posted on how that works out! Here is today’s daily consumption. 🙂 

Day 5

Breakfast: 2 glasses of water mixed with crystal lite
2 slices whole-grain toast with cream cheese
Coffee with 2 milk and 2 sugars
Mid-Morning: Vanilla yogurt with All-bran Buds
Coffee with milk and brown sugar
Lunch:
Mid-Afternoon:
Dinner:
Evening:

a stubborn desire…

%d bloggers like this: