Parents

Why is it that parents can be as cruel, mean, inconsiderate as they want but children cannot?

My father, he is a stubborn man. He believes all he says and does is right and everyone else (being his wife and children) are wrong. I have not gotten along with him for as many years as I can remember. Yet, I am always the one who feels his pain.

He thinks of me as one of his enemies; yet he praises me in front of everyone he knows. To my face, I am a disgrace, to other’s I am his honor. So, why is it so hard to tell me that he is proud of me?

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When I was growing up, life was not easy. Having an older brother and sister meant that the examples they set would affect me strongly. My brother – finished high school and went to college. My father happily paid for his tuition fees. But then my brother switched careers, once, twice, three times too many. Then my sister started college, start career, switch career, start career, switch career. With all the starting and switching my dad got a little fed up. So, when it was my turn, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and he wasn’t all too willing to help out. Although, both of us knew he would!

Any who, as I was growing up I became more and more independent. I didn’t appreciate being told how to live my life. I know our parents are our guardians and counsellors but that does not mean that we are obligated to do everything they say.

My father didn’t appreciate this thought of mine. He was a dominant man, like most Indian men are. But I will not be dominated. Not unless of my will. I rebelled, I dared and I succeeded. He didn’t and probably until this day doesn’t understand the “need” I had to be independent.

Present

Today, I have a job with a good-reputable employer, I have my vehicle, I have 2 cats, I have my apartment. I am independent. I do not need to be fed, clothe, or taken care of by my parents. I am a strong woman who has seen many ups and downs in her life. I am 27 physically, however my mental status is about 35+. I am no longer the child. I am the care taker.

However, my father does not understand that. He does not understand that it is his time to step down; that it’s his children’s time to care for him and nurture him. My father is 65 years old. He should have retired by now. Sadly though, he cannot.

My siblings

My brother – 7 years older than me – does not work. He lives with my parents with his two children (the third one on the way) and wife. He does not pay rent, he does barely pays for anything else in the house. His wife earns, however, they do not pay much towards the expenses.

My sister – 1.5 years older than me – is married in India and has a 2-year-old son. She is living her life as she can. However, her marriage cost my father to take out another mortgage on the house. Just when his first mortgage was paid off, my sister decided she wanted the most lavishing wedding anyone in our family has ever seen.

Fast-Forward

Today, my father is old. He is tired. But he is stubborn. He does not pay attention to doctors saying he needs a break. He does not consider his health and still works 16-18 hours a day. He WON’T let me take care of him.

My parent’s culture

The cultural upbringing of my parents indicates that parents are only to be dependent on their son. That even drinking a glass of water at their daughter’s house is like being in debt to her for 7 lives. It displays that a daughter is not her parent’s strength but their weakness.

 FULL STOP~!

For the longest time, the above post has nagged at me every time I log into my dashboard. It’s telling me to tell my story, to write about my parents. And finally today, with a hint of sympathy and love I am going to finish this post.

I know, above I’ve written a bunch of thoughts when I was angry. At the time of writing it, my emotions would’ve probably played a huge role. And today, again, my emotions will play another huge role. Because today with a hint of confidence, I want to say that I’ve begun to understand my father. 

You see, my father and I are two extremely different people. Our way of life, our thinking, our mentality and the way we do things is quite different. We are a clash and because of this clash, neither one of us has taken the time to get to know the other. UNTIL TODAY! Today, with a very small hint of confidence, I want to say that I’ve gotten to know my father, I’ve begun understanding him. Now don’t get me wrong: I don’t agree with the things he does, says or the way he thinks. But I understand. In his opinion, he is just trying to do the “right thing”. Yes, I know I’ve put the right thing into quotations, the only reason why is because each of us has a our own belief and understanding of what’s right and wrong. 

To sacrifice yourself even an ounce is like slitting your wrist and watching the blood drain from your body. To do it over and over again, is like taking all existence and pushing it to one side while you stand on the opposite.  I won’t say my father is a Saint. I won’t even say he completely deserves the respect, empathy and love I have in my heart for him at this very moment. But what I will say is that with all his wrong-doings, with all the negligence and with all the pain he has suffered and has caused: he is still a good man. He is still a respectful man. He is still a man who I love and could NEVER forget.

Oh dear, I’ve got little drops of regret, sadness and love falling from my eyes. I better stop now.

All I will say is, as you can see the initial stuff I wrote had a different aspect of emotions tied to it and the stuff I just wrote now has another. Just remember, we fight them, we hate them, we love them, we disrespect them, but at the end of the day they are still our parents. They may not be the best ones out there, but they are your parents.

I resent a lot from my past. If I could, there is more than a hundred things I’d do over. But the one thing I cannot resent are my parents. Yes, they’ve had many faults but so will we, when we are parents. They did the best they could and so will we, when it is our time. But all in all, I DO NOT RESENT THEM. I do not wish I had different parents. And I will always love them.

That is all.

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Exhaustion

Finally!

The exhaustion has passed. I am back to me again. I am back into control of myself, my work and my life.

It has been difficult adjusting to all the things that have happened over the past few weeks, but I feel MUCH better now; more satisfied! My rant about me being busy last week was more due to my lack of feeling content and of having control on the things I was doing or was required to do. That too has all passed.

Those reports are out-of-the-way, for the time being. I have a system in place for the rest of my work. I’ve made a routine for my “homely” duties and for my personal needs. Things are starting to look up again.

🙂 Nothing further to add at this moment.

~Serene~

Busy

As you can see, I barely get any time to blog anymore. My life has become very busy over the past few weeks. Well, let me explain. My work life, this new career move is exhausting me and keeping me on my feet. I spent most of last week stressing and working on reports for our clients. By the end of the week, I got home and simply crashed. I was so exhausted, I slept through the night on Friday and woke up at 5pm on Saturday evening.

But I miss blogging. I miss writing about things that matter to me. This still-unofficial job promotion has kept me away from BuzzTalk. There are so many things I want to write about that have happened over the past few weeks. But it just seems like every time I have a moment to collect my thoughts and write them out, my exhaustion level gets the best of me.

Well, now that these reports are out-of-the-way for at least a few more weeks (yup, they’re monthly reports), I promise to spend more time writing.

Don’t forget to check back and I promise not to forget to keep writing.

~Exhausted – Serene~

TDot

 

 

White-wash in the TDot. 

 

Last night’s snow storm left a lucky winter-less Toronto in a rut. Vehicle crashes from one corner of the city to the next. Snow plow and salt trucks on overload. And traffic backed up for hours. My 15 minute drive home from work took me 45 minutes. Even then, I think I got home earlier then most other people. Vie’s parents were on their way home from mid-town and it took them nearly 3 and a ½ hours to get home. And through all of this, in my 45 minute drive, I did not see one police vehicle on the roads. Normally, during my 15 minute ride I see around 3 to 5 police cruisers. Where the hell were they last night? I guess, I’m just a little ticked off because it took me 45 minutes to get home last night and an hour and 10 minutes to get to work this morning. Maybe I’m just ticked off because the moron in front of my vehicle this morning decided to run a red light and nearly crashed into a 16 wheeler in front of him and almost caused the guy making a left to ram into the back bumper of his vehicle. Maybe I’m just ticked off because fines and costs of living in this city are going up more than most people can afford and earn. Or in actuality, I’m ticked off because the city I’ve called home and grown to love for the past 20 years is getting worst and worst as the days go by. 

Through all of this traffic and snow, the one thing that always seems to piss me off is that people think they are smarter than others. They think they are “road-warriors”. They think they “know” how to drive. And almost 95% of the time, those same road-warriors are the ones left in the ditches and rear-ending other drivers.

The way they drive their vehicles the way they do, makes me want to get a shot-gun and just kill them before they kill everyone else. I know I am being extremely harsh. But this is ridiculous. We were bumper-to-bumper last night. If some moron in front of me decided to act smart and speed up or cut off someone, he would’ve taken me, the guy in front of him, and the guys on each sides of him, with him. We would’ve all been screwed and the result would be more traffic jams, more bumper-to-bumpers and many hurt drivers just trying to get the hell home! Not only are they putting their own lives at risks but also all of those lives around them.

But the thing that really ticked me off last night was that throughout all of this there were no police cruisers on the the raods.  I mean come on! If you knew there was a snow storm on its way and you know how your cities drivers react during snow storms, would you be prepared with all your men and women on the roads, ready to take on the rush hour traffic and issues? Why were there only a limited amount of cruisers on the road when the city needs conduct? Toronto Police really needs to straighten out their act. They run around the city handing out tickets for stupid reasons throughout the week but when they should really have their asses on the road controlling traffic and moronic drivers, they are nowhere to be seen. I know there were many accidents and maybe, just maybe the police guys were at all these scenes trying to calm and control the situations. But if you know there is a storm on its way, why aren’t you

~Depressed about starting to hate T.O~ 

   

 

Marca College

I finally got my hair done last night. Nearly 5 hours later and I have a few red peek-a-boo highlights and a burnt scalp.

I got to Marca College around 4:30p.m. and was asked to wait until 5p.m. to see the next student hairstylist. I agreed and waited my turn. The student stylist didn’t show up until 5:30p.m. From then on, it took about 2 1/2 hours to bleach/strip the black out of my hair where the peek-a-boos would be. In the midst of having the bleach applied to my hair, I realized that my scalp was tingling. I notified the stylist and she claimed that it’s supposed to do that.

Once the bleach was washed from my hair, she applied a “filler” to tone down the blonde at the roots of my hair where the bleach had over-worked. I mentioned to her again that the my scalp was itching. She again ignored my concern. Finally, when she applied the red color to my hair I notified her that my scalp was stinging. She said, “Oh” and completely disregarded it.

At the time, I didn’t think there was any damage to my scalp and assumed it was just a little irritated by the bleach, filler and color. This morning however, was a completely separate story. I was combing out the knots in my hair, getting ready to tie it up and take a shower when I realized that there were dark patches near my forehead on my scalp. At first I thought it might just be that the red color wasn’t washed out properly and stained my scalp. But when I got a closer look, I realized there were a bunch of scabs on my scalp similar to burn marks.

I am very upset and my scalp hurts. I just called Marca College and spoke to the receptionist who insisted I come in to show them my scalp. I’ve made an appointment for tomorrow.

Although, I love the hair color and style, the situation has left me wanting to never return to another hair styling school again. Fortunately, for me, I never signed a disclaimer or anything of the sort before getting the work done on my hair. So, Marca College is going to have to make it up to me in a big way for this trauma to my scalp.

But talking about Marca College, I must mention that my stylist was a really nice woman. However, her instructor was obnoxious and very unprofessional. She ran around the salon hugging and kissing the students on the foreheads and cheeks. She constantly touched and got very close to all the girls there and was very loud, enough to cause me and my stylist a major headache.

My overall experience with this place was terrible.

Result = 4 out of 5
Service = 1 out of 5
Overall experience = 2 out of 5
Will I return = NEVER (at least not to get my hair done)

Change

With this soon to come career progress, I feel like I need a new look. New hair, new glasses, new style, new ME.

I’m working on the body change but now the materialistic part of me needs to change. I got the manicure and pedicure this weekend. Next on the list, hair!

I’m thinking of a more polished hair cut with a little red. Something like the style Rihanna has going on the below picture.

But I’m thinking of adding some red to the bangs. Like an under-tone. How about the picture below? (Don’t mind my sloppy drawing)

Since my hair is already black and it’s been a few months since I’ve had it dyed, I think it will take nicely to the red color. A colleague that I work with tells me that the red will look too fake. But really? I mean, come on! Don’t women dye their hair to be someone else in the first place? If we loved ourselves so much and cherished everything about ourselves so much, then why would we “enhance” our look by getting our hair dyed? Coloring our hair and putting on make-up is a way for us to be someone we’re not. Maybe that person is just another aspect of ourselves, an enhanced more polished version of us but it’s still not the “true” or “real” us.

This colleague, well what can I say? She’s judgemental of me because I want to add red color to my hair. But she does not see how much make-up she wears to cover-up her flaws. I am not judgemental of her. The make-up enhances her features and brings out a more beautiful person (I’m only talking about appearance and in no way saying that without the make-up she would not be beautiful). Why is it so easy for her to point the finger at me, when she too is using cosmetics to enhance herself?

Why are people so hypercritical?

Anyway, back to my changes. So, this afternoon after work, I’m going to head down to Marca College and get my hair cut and colored. (http://www.marca-college.com/) The students are  the stylists and it’s quite inexpensive. I’m on a small budget, so I’ve got to look for inexpensive ways to make changes. This probably wouldn’t be my first choice, but I’m going to be optimistic for once and try it out.

So, after the hair, I thought I would look for new glasses. Oh, by-the-way, I’ll post a picture of my new hair style once I get it done). Anyway, I went to Hakim Optical yesterday to check out a new pair of glasses and well, their styles were pretty lame, at least at the location I went to. Actually, to be quite honest with you, the experience was lame. I walked in, was greeted by a sales representative, and he asked me what I was looking for. I said, “Black frames”. He showed me 2 pairs (one being way too big for my face and the other being a men’s pair) and then told me to look around and find something myself. I found something I liked and had questions about it but the sales rep. was nowhere to be found. So, I continued looking around, hoping he was in the back or something, but he never came back and the other sales reps. were busy with other customers; so, I walked out!

That was a pretty bad experience and it’s highly unlikely that I’ll return to that store. I’m not going to opt out of Hakim optical all together because they have a good reputation for quality glasses and they have some great deals (buy one get one free). But I doubt I’ll be going back to that location anytime soon. I might even write an email to Hakim corporate office about the experience. I’ve read about Mr.Hakim and he seems like the man who values his customers and how they are treated at each and every one of his stores. I’m sure he’ll understand my disappointment with this particular store.

Ok, sorry! I know I have a habit of taking my posts from one subject to the next and then jumping back to the beginning again.

So, after the experience at Hakim Opticals, I decided to go to Ardene. Now, that experience was much better. I purchased 5 accessories for $11.50. Wow! I got a really good deal on those things. I got myself a couple of necklaces, an anklet and a set of 5 bangles. 🙂 The sales rep. was really nice too. I think I might return here soon for more goodies.

Well, I’ve got to get back to work. I’ll keep you posted on the changes and I’ll even post a picture of my new hairstyle once I get it this evening!

Until then – Ciao!

Independence

For as long as I can remember, the one thing that I’ve always fought for was the right to my independence. My independence to say, think and do as I please. My independence to act as I want. My independence to be who I want.

But today, I came to realize that I am not independent! I have been so dependent on Vie that I cannot think about anything but him. I cannot do anything without him. I cannot be who I want to be without him. He has become the center of my world.

This scares me!

Next Tuesday he is going out-of-town for a week. I will be by myself for the week. It scares me to think how I will pass the time. I have planned to finish off an essay I need to write for an English course, exercise a few times during the week, get more much-needed sleep and watch some movies.

Although, this should keep me quite busy all week, I know these plans will roll over and I will be sitting here in front of my computer starring at the screen, wondering what to do. I will drive myself crazy wondering what Vie is up to and think about when he will return back to me. I won’t get any of my above mentioned tasks done. The week will come and go and I will dwell on my loneliness only to realize that I am not independent at all and am rather a pathetic, hypercritical human being who does not know what she wants or who she is.

So, how do I become independent again? How am I to become the person I was for many years before I met Vie?

a stubborn desire…

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