Not getting easier

You would think that this is getting easier. Nu-uh!

Last night on my drive home from work, I was starving. I was so tempted to stop over at burger king or mc donald’s and just indulge. But I didn’t. I got home, cooked up rice and lentils and had a glass of water while they were cooking.

I also brought some with me for lunch today. However, eating half the container and I’m feeling satisfied; not stuffed! I left the other half for when I feel hungry again a bit later.

DAY 2:

Today’s daily intake: (Oh keep in mind, these daily posts will be updated multiple times throughout the day)

Early morning: 1 glass 100% pure grapefruit juice
  2 slices whole-grain bread with cream cheese
Breakfast: Cup of yogurt with all-bran buds
Large cup of coffee (2 milks, 2 sugars)
Mid-morning: Large cup of honey, lemon, ginseng green tea – Walked up 1 flight of stairs
Lunch: Lentils and rice – Walked up 1 flight of stairs
Afternoon: Large coffee (2 milks, 2 sugars)

Starting Point

I was never skinny. I always had meat on my body and even though my brother and dad joked about me being fat, I really didn’t mind my weight. My teenage years and during my early 20’s, I maintained a weight of 135-140 lbs. However, a few years ago my domestic issues evolved and I let myself go. I stopped caring about the way I looked or how I felt about myself. I was so focused on how other people made me feel and all the issues that occurred around me, that I didn’t realize I had gained 105 lbs.

Today I weigh 268 lbs. I hate myself for letting my body become what it has. I hate the way I look. I don’t feel confident!

But I need to. I can’t continue feeling or looking the way I do. I sometimes get the feeling that my low self-esteem is noticed by people. I want to change how I feel about myself. I want to change what I see when I look in the mirror. I don’t care what other people say about me or think about me. But I want to become the confident person I used to be.

People I work with and daily associate with have told me that writing down everything they eat, has helped them control their daily food intake. It’s also helped them control the quantity of food and calories they eat.

So, I’ve decided to start writing down my daily food intake. I’m not going to know exactly how many calories each item has, however, I will definitely try to find out. This part of my blog is more for me than anyone else. I want to assess my daily intake and activities. Hopefully, in a few weeks/months I’ll be able to get an idea of the things I need to change.

Because I want to change the way I look and feel, I am setting a goal for myself. I’m giving myself 12 months to lose 100 lbs. That averages out to about 8.3 lbs a month. I know that’s a little hard to do but it’s something I’d like to do. Here are a few other changes I’ve made:

  1. Cut out salt
  2. Cut out soda
  3. Drink at least 2-3 bottles of water a day
  4. Exercise or walk for at least 15 minutes a day
  5. Eat breakfast

Duration: 12 months (1 year)
Target: 160 lbs. – 170 lbs.

DAY 1:

Today’s daily intake: (Oh keep in mind, these daily posts will be updated multiple times throughout the day)

Early morning: 2 glasses 100% pure grapefruit juice
  2 slices whole-grain bread with cream cheese
Breakfast: Cup of yogurt with all-bran buds
Large cup of coffee (2 milks, 2 sugars)
Mid-morning: Large cup of honey, lemon, ginseng green tea – Walked up 1 flight of stairs
Michelina’s Fettuccine Alfredo (390 calories) – Walked for 15-20 minutes
Large cup of honey, lemon, ginseng green tea – Walked up 1 flight of stairs
Mid-Afternoon: Small red apple
Dinner: Rice & Lentils
Snack: Bowl of green grapes
Dessert: Lime/vanilla popsicle


I hate people who exceed the expectations they have of someone. I hate people who always seem to take out their reactions on one specific person. And I hate being that person!

I work with someone who under normal circumstances is very friendly and sweet. But if something doesn’t go her way, she automatically gets angry and the change in her mood and her reactions are extreme. But she’s not like this with everyone. Just me!

I know she has a lot of expectations from me and to my knowledge and her’s I exceed them. But if there’s ever a chance when something isn’t done exactly how she requests, all that knowledge goes down the drain, until she is back to normal again. During this time, she shuts me out, responds to me only if necessary and does not even smile. Although this shouldn’t bother me, it does.

You see, this person and I have a weird professional and personal relationship. She is in an authority role but we are also at work friends. I look to her for guidance and opinions and except for during her arrogance periods, she always delivers. But these arrogance periods…sigh! It can take her nearly a day to get back to normal. Due to the fact that I have to report directly to her, the day just slows down and comes to a halt until she is normal again.

Don’t get me wrong, my world doesn’t shut down or anything. I don’t get upset or stop working or retaliate her behaviour/mood. But it does affect me. Sadly, it affects me a lot. I wish it didn’t. I wish I just couldn’t give a damn. But I am a highly emotional person. And I do care. The sad thing is though, most of the time she’s oblivious to her mood/attitude changes and on how bitter she becomes. Of course, she doesn’t say anything bitter, but it’s in the tone of her voice and facial reactions that are piercing.

Lottery tickets

Yesterday on my way to work I stopped in to the near by convenient store. I was out of cigarettes. As I was waiting to be served, my eyes wandered across to the big blue lottery machine. Lotto Max at $10 million. OMG. Now,  I must tell you, I’m not the type to buy lottery tickets often. I do gamble at  the casino, but only once in a blue moon.

So, back to the lottery machine. $10 million got me thinking where that could take me. The two minutes I stood there staring at that machine took me away to a world which meant I wouldn’t have to wake up at 5:30 am every morning to get ready for work. It meant I wouldn’t NEED to go to work for most of my life, unless of course I really wanted to. It meant my parents and Vie’s parents could retire without all the worries of having enough after retirement. It meant my siblings and their children could live comfortably without worries of not having enough for the future. And lastly, it meant Vie and I could travel the world, live lavishly, have our own businesses and just relax in life.

$10 million could be very well spent. “Excuse me, do you need something?” I’m brought back to reality by the cashier. I ask for a pack of Belmont Milds and just as she’s about to punch it in on the Interac machine I say, “Wait, can I have a Lotto Max with Encore?” She says sure and rings me up. $5 for the lotto ticket and $1 for encore. Not a bad investment if the outcome is $10 million.

So now I have to wait until Friday to find out if all my dreams and fantasies are about to come true. Lotto Max only pulls numbers on Friday and that too, at 10pm. Sigh! 4 more days to go.

On my drive to work this morning my lottery ticket gets me thinking and questioning myself about why I bought it. So why did I buy it? I think it’s because I’m feeling a little stuck in my career. I have a decent job, but I don’t see myself moving anywhere. I’ve planted my feet well in my current position. I know my bosses think highly of me but it hasn’t proven enough to get me that promotion or raise.

Vie isn’t working right now. He got laid off at the peak of the recession in June last year and honestly, he hasn’t even tried looking for work. I understand. He worked for 3 years straight as a contract employee with no vacations or breaks. He needed a break and I don’t blame him for it. Plus he is getting employment insurance. It’s not as much as his full-time salary would have brought in but its helpful. Honestly though, I can’t even say that we’re broke because we spend and waste a lot of money; which in the end leaves us pretty much hand to mouth.

Instead of winning the lottery, Vie and I could just stop over spending and put some away for a rainy day. But that wouldn’t be ideal. Meh! I guess I’ll be waiting for Friday with anticipation! Keep you fingers crossed.

Horrible Service & Food

Restaurant: Golden Griddle
Location: 10 Milner Business Court, Scarborough, ON M1B 3C6
Rating: 😦

I woke up really late on Saturday afternoon with a craving for scrambled eggs, pancakes, home fries and toast with a really big cup of coffee. Vie had just finished his class and was on his way to pick me up.

Now, normally, we would head over to my favorite 24/7 breakfast place, however as of late seems the chef isn’t giving his 100% and the result is in the over cooked eggs and under cooked home fries. So, Vie and I have decided to not go there for a few weeks and give him some time.

We decided to head over to the Golden Griddle restaurant instead. The last time we were there, their breakfast buffet was excellent. This time however, we arrived just past 2pm and the buffet was already closed. We were forced to order from the menu; which normally I wouldn’t mind, except their menu was way over priced. But Vie and I had already ordered our coffee and did not want to be rude by getting up and going somewhere else.

I ordered my usual, steak and eggs with home fries and white toast. Vie ordered eggs with pancakes. We planned on sharing the home fries and pancakes. While waiting for the food, the host decided to speak in Tamil to another Tamil speaking waitress, loud enough for us to hear. (We were the only customers now in the restaurant) The host and waitress continued talking, not caring or noticing that our eyes were on them. Another customer walked in and was waiting at the front desk. But the two employees continued their conversation giving very little notice to us or the other customer, who had now been standing at the entrance for nearly 5 minutes.

Finally, the host noticed the other customer. While walking over to him, he said loudly, “yeah, hey you are here for the pick up?” The customer nodded. “Two minutes, wait, ok?” said the host. The customer didn’t seem too impressed. Neither was I. This host was the least professional. He didn’t acknowledge the customer in a timely manner, he didn’t care that he was speaking in a foreign tongue in front of his customers and he spoke to us and the other customer as if we were his friends and not paying customers. There was no please, no thank you, no hello, no welcome, no acknowledgement at all that he was pleased to have us visit his restaurant.

To make the situation worst, when our food arrived, it wasn’t hot. It was warm. Vie doesn’t like me making a fuss, but my eggs were warm, almost cold. I’m sure the chef made my eggs first and then decided to put my steak on the grill. Speaking of my steak, I was asked how I wanted it cooked. I said “well-done”. It was over cooked. Not burnt but extremely dry. It lacked flavor, so I asked the waitress if I could have some steak sauce. She said sure and walked to the bar area looking for the sauce. Vie laughed and said, I bet you she hasn’t a clue what steak sauce is. I wanted to give the lady the benefit of the doubt. Sadly, Vie was right. A few minutes after searching for it, she went into the kitchen to ask the host. He came out, with his mouth full of food and said looking towards me “steak sauce? yeah, ok, one sec.” That was disgusting.

I was now completely turned off this restaurant. We quickly finished our food, paid the bill and got out of there. Too bad there wasn’t a suggestion box or form. I would’ve definitely left a few suggestions.

Now, my comments do not say that all Golden Griddle restaurants are this bad. But as far as I’m concerned, this experience has definitely left me questioning whether I’d ever return to the franchise or not.

Brain Freeze

Just when I’m all go and ready to write, my brain freezes and I cannot think of a damn thing to write about. Run to twitter and Facebook. Post a new status: “brain freeze. looking for topics to write about.” And guess what? No one suggests anything. I have over 200 people on my Facebook connects, over 35 on twitter and not a single person suggests anything. Almost makes me want to remove everyone. But I won’t! It’s Friday night. I get it. People are out.

Second attempt: Call Vie up, ask him for suggestions. “I dunno” How sad is that? He’s too busy reading up on the latest mmorpg. He’s distracted.

Hang up with him. Come back to WordPress. Decision made!

I’m going to write about having nothing to write about. Even if no one reads this, I still know I had a brain freeze today and wrote about it.

Brain’s over working now! Why am I so enthusiastic about writing? What will come of it? Travelling back into my childhood. My diaries. OMG my endless hours of bickering, rage and silliness all complied into cute little journals.

I was born to write! I could have been a writer. Not an artist or an under-paid office worker. I was destined to WRITE!

Looking further into my childhood reminds me about what I always wrote about. No, it wasn’t the little fantasies that most girls have. No, it wasn’t about the latest crush. It was all about pain. Emotional. Physical. Is that what I’m good at? Writing about pain? Is it that easy to write about all the sad, pitiful things that happen in our lives? None of my memories recall writing about love or happiness. I remember the tears when writing. Why did I miss noting all the good things? Why did I emphasis and give so much importance to all the crap that happened in my life over all the little happy moments I felt?

I don’t know if it’s possible or not to remember all the happy memories. However, I must. Maybe another post. Maybe another day.

If I remembered, if I wrote about it; would I be someone else today?

The Big Breakfast

I have been overweight for quite a few years now. This has begun taking a toll on my health. My energy levels are way down; which has resulted in lethargy. I barely excercise. Ok, let me be honest, I DON’T excercise at all. I went from being highly active, social and outgoing to a couch potato with the self-esteem of a peanut.

At one point of my life, I would look in the mirror and want to kiss what I saw. Now, I see a fat girl whose clothes do not fit her properly, whose sloutched and looks defeated. I don’t like what I see; I hate it!

I told ma vie on New Year’s day that if there was one thing I wanted to gain or accomplish this year, it would be my self-confidence and weight-loss. Come on, lets be honest. How many other’s made the same New Year’s resolution? Research shows at least 63% of people make this resolution to get fit for the summer and lose weight. Did you know that January/December is the peek season for gym memberships and in May nearly 70% of those memberships are cancelled.

We want to look good. After all appearance is a major factor when considering the latest fashion trends. But how can you look good if you don’t feel good? My sister has always been skinny. Nice bust, round ass, perfect hips, strong jawline. But her confidence and self-esteem lacked. She walked the walk and dressed the look, but she always seemed like she wasn’t 100%.

So how do you make yourself feel the way you want to look? Simple! Pamper yourself. Buy presents for yourself. Put on make-up, do your hair, get a mani-pedi…FOR YOURSELF! I know that material things are just material things. But have you ever noticed how those material things make you feel?

When I was financially stable and could dish out $120 for a bottle of perfume, I wore Ralph Lauren’s Blue daily. Even though I was going through a divorce at the time and emotionally felt crippled, a couple of spritz of the intoxicating jasmine sent would boost my confidence level through the roof. It was just perfume. But it made me smell irresistable and feel sexy. I’d come out of the shower and the first thing I ever did was spray myself with Blue. That confidence level determined how my day would turn out.

When my confidence was there, I carried myself like a strong, independant woman. I’d get my mani-pedi bi-weekly. I’d apply make up, I’d pretty myself up.

I stopped buying the perfume due to monetary reasons and that confidence never came back.

That is my example. You may have something else, a pair of jeans, earrings, a favorite lipstick. But whatever it is that boosts your energy levels and self-image find it. I’m telling you, you’ll love yourself for it.

Now the reason why I’ve been babbling on about getting your confidence level up is because that is something I’m working on. I cannot lose weight unless I feel how I want to look. And when I feel how I want to look, I will be determined to look how I feel.

My first goal towards my weightloss is to put some money aside from each pay cheque.When I have enough money saved up; I am going to buy another bottle of Ralph Lauren Blue.

My second goal is to cut out salt. I add salt to everything and yes, I have a lot of water weight. It’s been 4 days, I have not added any salt to my food. The food tastes bland but I am feeling less bloated.

My third goal during the saving process is that I’ve been researching on weightloss techniques. I’ve tried yo-yo dieting, I’ve tried starving myself and depriving myself of my favorite foods. It doesn’t work! Don’t do it! You’ll gain back more than you loss and will hate yourself for putting yourself through it.

I have read hundreds of articles and compared the facts from hundreds of websites. Up until this morning I just felt so overwhelmed by it all. But this morning I found an article about “the big breakfast” diet. Eating a high-calorie, well-balanced meal has actually proven to assist in weight loss. Wow! More food = more weight loss?

Recently an 8-month experiment was conducted where half the participants ate an low-calorie breakfast, while the other half ate a  high-calorie one. The low calorie breakfast contained of 230 calories and the high consumed 610 calories. At the end of the 8 months, the high calorie breakfast eaters managed to lose 40 lbs and the low calorie dieters lost 18 lbs. This is amazing!

The researcher indicated that eating a high fibre, high protien breakfast can actually help in losing weight. Below is a brief break down of the types of foods they listed to have for breakfast.

Milk – low fat
Whote grain bread
Egg whites
Bran cereal

They also mention that you should consume a cereal with at least 2 grams of dietary fibre. Your total breakfast should contain at least 5 grams of fibre. It’s also recommended to have a small piece of chocolate. That is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read. However, they explained by having the chocolate with your breakfast can actually prevent cravings throughout the day. Lastly, they mention that your breakfast should consist of 600 to 650 calories.

The main reason behind this “big breakfast” diet is that your body has slept for 6 to 8 hours; it is in starvation mode. Your body needs energy now to move forward throughout the day. By consuming the big breakfast you are pretty much recharging your body so that you can be active for the rest of the day.

Now, I’m not used to having breakfast. Even when I do have breakfast, it contains a cup of coffee and maybe a bagel with cream cheese. However, this morning I decided to have a bigger breakfast. I had a slice of whole grain toast with butter and a yogurt, fruits and nuts parfat plus coffee. It was very filling. For a few minutes I felt very lethargic as eating normally brings out the nigaritis. But after a while, I’m actually feeling energized. Hmm, maybe having a big breakfast isn’t so bad.

Well today is only day one. I’ll keep you posted on how I’m feeling and if I’ve lost any weight as the days progress.

Lets keep a small tally:

Day one – 260 lbs (don’t judge me!)
Steps taken – big breakfast + no salt added on food

a stubborn desire…

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