Not Knowing

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, physically that is. I stood up to go get hot water for my tea and felt extremely dizzy and started seeing black spots. My ears felt like they needed to pop and a headache with nausea began.

If I was home I’d run to the Doc’s office but I’m at work. I cannot just say something is wrong and take off. I’ll go after work this afternoon.

But what’s worst? Not knowing what’s wrong or knowing?

UPDATE: (8:40am – Jan. 20, 2010)

Called tele-health last night after not feeling well for over 6 hours. They don’t give you a diagnosis, however make recommendations to seek medical attention. I was asked to seek medical attention within the next 4 hours. So, I asked, “Can you give me any hint to what this could be? Is it a tumor? Or a diabetes sign?” He replied, “I’m sorry, I’m not legally allowed to give hints or diagnose an illness. However, I will tell you that I didn’t suggest you seek medical attention within the next 24 hours or a few days, I”m suggesting you seek attention within the next 4 hours. You can see seriousness of the situation. Although, I’m not suggesting you need to call an ambulance either. Do you understand?” I did! It’s serious just not dier.

However, at 8 o’clock in the evening, there aren’t any doctor’s offices open. I could’ve go to the emerge or an after hours clinic. But my head hurts, I’m dizzy, nauseuous and cannot drive. Vie is in class. So, I decided if the next morning I wasn’t feeling better, I’d take off from work and go “seek medical help”.

This morning, the heaviness is still slightly pressing down on my temple but the nausea and dizziness is gone. So, I decided to come to work. I know I probably should have gone to the doctor’s first but maybe it can wait until after work. My physician is on vacation anyway, so I’ve gotta spend my lunch calling walk-in medical facilities and try to make an appointment.

I’ve gotta get back to work now. But I’ll keep this thread updated with what and how the doctor’s visit was.


I just remembered to check that lotto max ticket during my lunch. Sadly, my ticket was not in one of the winning tickets. 😦

Bubye goes all those fantasies and dreams. For the moment, at least! 🙂 I’m still determined. Not to win the lottery, but to earn every thing.

Just thought, I’d update on the winnings! 🙂


Wednesday and Thursday were such good days for eating and logging in what I had eaten. And then Thursday evening I went home, thinking I’ll log this evening’s consumption tomorrow (Friday) morning. Friday morning came and it was so hectic at work; that I didn’t get a moment to myself.

Friday evening Vie was waiting for me underneath my building when I got off work. He was hungry. Me too! I told him I had a craving for wedges. We went to Metro and picked up Nachos, Tex Mex cheese, salsa, potato wedges, and a baked chicken.

When we got home, the only thing I nibbled on were the wedges. Oh how potato does wonders to the body. Later that evening, I had some nachos with cheese and salsa.

Saturday was a little better. Vie got off school around 2pm. I had a late night and didn’t go to sleep until 5:30am, so, I woke up pretty late too. By the time he came over, I had brewed a pot of coffee and had eggs ready to cook. We ate two eggs each, his scrambled, mine sunny side up, two slices of whole-grain toast and coffee with a glass of water. Throughout the day we had light snacks, I think a cup of yogurt was one of them. Dinner was something both of us love, it’s very light but filling. I made two packs of Mr.Noodles with soup. Later that evening, I recall having an apple and then a coffee when we went out for our late night drive.

Sunday was not as bad as Friday but not as good as the rest of the week. I had my breakfast around 8am. Toast with cream cheese and later a smoothie. Actually I had my smoothie twice that morning. I was up so early that tummy was in starvation mode. But I made sure to portion it out. Lunch was a spicy beef patty in a coco-bun. Obviously, I was hungry pretty soon after the beef patty. I had the worst craving for a whopper! Sigh. I got sidetracked and told Vie that I really needed to have one.

He was hesitant. But I told him that I needed to cheat. I had been good for over a week now and if I didn’t cheat, I’d probably fall off. Thinking back to that conversation, I believe I was trying to convince myself more so than him. But he said, “Ok, as long as you know that on Monday you have to get back on.” I said, “Yup, I do and don’t worry; I’m more serious about this than it may seem.” He nodded, gave me a smile and drove us to Burger King.

Now, normally, I would order the Whopper combo. (Fries and a medium coke) And normally, I’d finish everything. But this time, I only got the Whopper. I knew I was cheating, I just didn’t want to fully give in. 🙂 Oh boy did that Whopper taste ever so good. But today’s Monday and I am back on track.

I need to work on my weekend consumption. It’s so easy to get sidetracked because I have no routine on the weekends. I sleep late on Friday and Saturday night to compensate for sleeping early and waking up really early during the week; which causes me to wake up late on the weekends. I eat when Vie comes over instead of sticking to my normal routine of having breakfast soon after I wake up. This really needs to change.

This weekend I think I’m going to try to work on a routine with my eating habits and maybe start an exercise routine.

In general, I want to start exercising during the week as well. But the morning workout has me really turned off. I read somewhere that you can do 10 minutes of stretches in the morning and in the evening do a 20-30 minute workout. Maybe, I’m going to try this, starting tomorrow. 

I’ll keep you posted on how that works out! Here is today’s daily consumption. 🙂 

Day 5

Breakfast: 2 glasses of water mixed with crystal lite
2 slices whole-grain toast with cream cheese
Coffee with 2 milk and 2 sugars
Mid-Morning: Vanilla yogurt with All-bran Buds
Coffee with milk and brown sugar

Bitter Sweet

Before I begin writing on what happened on Friday, I’d like to give a little history.

I started working for my current employer over a year ago. I am a client services representative; supporting 4 major verticals of our online classifieds business. When I joined this employer, all points of my job were exciting. But soon, I became very familiar and enthusiastic about one particular vertical.

Everyone I work with, my boss, my fellow client service reps., even the product specialists and managers all knew I was extremely interested in progressing my career in this specific vertical. It has been like a passion. I love learning new things but any time an opportunity struck for this vertical, I was on top of the game.

Because of my interest in this vertical, I soon became good friends with the product specialist for this vertical. She is a year younger than me but has worked as the specialist for over 2 years and has been with the company in general for over 4 years. She has taught me many things and we have a good working relationship.

I always told her to hurry up and get promoted so that I could take her place. And on Friday, she announced that she had resigned. 😦 I almost wanted to start crying. To be honest though, I was a little happy as well. You see, my employer is going through many financial changes. The recession has hit our industry extremely hard and they are just not handing out promotions right now. So, the only way for me to become the specialist would be if she either got promoted (which myself and her both know was highly unlikely) or if she quit.

But the last thing I wanted was for her to quit. I wanted her to become the manager of the product and I to be the specialist. This would allow for me to work closely with her and learn from her. She’s a good teacher. Sadly though that won’t be the case.

I’ve spent most of the weekend thinking about her and the job. The whole situation is just bitter-sweet. I’m going to miss her dearly and I haven’t fully come to terms with the fact that in 5 weeks or so she’ll be leaving.  Although, maybe I might get promoted. Maybe my career is finally going to take off.

It’s too soon to speculate as we don’t even know if the top guns are going to rehire for her place as yet or not. But I am hopeful.


When is it ok to say no to going out for lunch with colleagues? Is it ever ok?

Today, I got invited to go to lunch with the team. It was an informal lunch. As always, I agreed. A few moments later, I sat back at my desk and thought of all the bills I had to pay and the savings that Vie and I had talked about. I opened up on my online banking, pulled out a calculator and ruled out all the bills/expenses that needed to be taken care of through this pay check. At the end of it all, I realized I would only have $60 spending money this pay period.

Today is the beginning of the pay period and if I went out to lunch today, I would spend close to $20, which would leave $40 for the next 2 weeks. So, I told my boss, “Sorry, but I really don’t think it would be a good idea for me to come out to lunch with the team today.” She asked why and I told her I’m in saving mode and don’t think it’s convenient right now. She said ok and they left.

A little while after they left, I got a call on my cell phone and it was her again. She asked me if I was going to drive there and surprise them and I said no, I’m really not coming. Her next response is what bothered me. She said, “Well you’ve really offended everyone by bailing out on the last-minute.” I apologized and said, “I really didn’t want to; however, my financial situation does not allow me to go out for casual lunches.” She said, “What’s $5, $10 going to hurt?” We went back and forth a couple of times and then she sounded as if she was mad and said ok, bye.

Maybe I handled this situation wrong and should’ve just said, I brought my lunch and don’t want to waste it. But if I said that I was in saving mode and didn’t think it was a good idea, why was I asked over and over again? Why was I forced to explain my financial situation? Why wasn’t a NO, enough?

For the rest of the day, I can bet my life on it, I will be treated as an outcast for not attending the lunch. But why can’t these colleagues/friends just understand that not everyone’s financial situation allows them to eat out every day?

I guess, I’m just making a big fuss over it. Maybe it’s not as bad as I’m predicting it to be. But regardless of that, why would anyone get offended if one person bails?

Not getting easier

You would think that this is getting easier. Nu-uh!

Last night on my drive home from work, I was starving. I was so tempted to stop over at burger king or mc donald’s and just indulge. But I didn’t. I got home, cooked up rice and lentils and had a glass of water while they were cooking.

I also brought some with me for lunch today. However, eating half the container and I’m feeling satisfied; not stuffed! I left the other half for when I feel hungry again a bit later.

DAY 2:

Today’s daily intake: (Oh keep in mind, these daily posts will be updated multiple times throughout the day)

Early morning: 1 glass 100% pure grapefruit juice
  2 slices whole-grain bread with cream cheese
Breakfast: Cup of yogurt with all-bran buds
Large cup of coffee (2 milks, 2 sugars)
Mid-morning: Large cup of honey, lemon, ginseng green tea – Walked up 1 flight of stairs
Lunch: Lentils and rice – Walked up 1 flight of stairs
Afternoon: Large coffee (2 milks, 2 sugars)

Starting Point

I was never skinny. I always had meat on my body and even though my brother and dad joked about me being fat, I really didn’t mind my weight. My teenage years and during my early 20’s, I maintained a weight of 135-140 lbs. However, a few years ago my domestic issues evolved and I let myself go. I stopped caring about the way I looked or how I felt about myself. I was so focused on how other people made me feel and all the issues that occurred around me, that I didn’t realize I had gained 105 lbs.

Today I weigh 268 lbs. I hate myself for letting my body become what it has. I hate the way I look. I don’t feel confident!

But I need to. I can’t continue feeling or looking the way I do. I sometimes get the feeling that my low self-esteem is noticed by people. I want to change how I feel about myself. I want to change what I see when I look in the mirror. I don’t care what other people say about me or think about me. But I want to become the confident person I used to be.

People I work with and daily associate with have told me that writing down everything they eat, has helped them control their daily food intake. It’s also helped them control the quantity of food and calories they eat.

So, I’ve decided to start writing down my daily food intake. I’m not going to know exactly how many calories each item has, however, I will definitely try to find out. This part of my blog is more for me than anyone else. I want to assess my daily intake and activities. Hopefully, in a few weeks/months I’ll be able to get an idea of the things I need to change.

Because I want to change the way I look and feel, I am setting a goal for myself. I’m giving myself 12 months to lose 100 lbs. That averages out to about 8.3 lbs a month. I know that’s a little hard to do but it’s something I’d like to do. Here are a few other changes I’ve made:

  1. Cut out salt
  2. Cut out soda
  3. Drink at least 2-3 bottles of water a day
  4. Exercise or walk for at least 15 minutes a day
  5. Eat breakfast

Duration: 12 months (1 year)
Target: 160 lbs. – 170 lbs.

DAY 1:

Today’s daily intake: (Oh keep in mind, these daily posts will be updated multiple times throughout the day)

Early morning: 2 glasses 100% pure grapefruit juice
  2 slices whole-grain bread with cream cheese
Breakfast: Cup of yogurt with all-bran buds
Large cup of coffee (2 milks, 2 sugars)
Mid-morning: Large cup of honey, lemon, ginseng green tea – Walked up 1 flight of stairs
Michelina’s Fettuccine Alfredo (390 calories) – Walked for 15-20 minutes
Large cup of honey, lemon, ginseng green tea – Walked up 1 flight of stairs
Mid-Afternoon: Small red apple
Dinner: Rice & Lentils
Snack: Bowl of green grapes
Dessert: Lime/vanilla popsicle

a stubborn desire…

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