Tag Archives: anxiety

Christmas Is A Day Away

The countdown begins to Christmas and although I am super excited; I am also slowly becoming stressed out. I went on a baking frenzy last weekend and baked over 150 cookies, four different types. But they seemed to have disappeared over the past few days. So, this weekend, the plan is to bake double the amount plus some new recipes. 

Thankfully, I prepared my Christmas dinner menu two months ago and just need to hit the grocery store to pick up the ingredients and produce and begin cooking. But now I feel like I am about to host three Christmas get-togethers. My traditional Christmas Day breakfast and dinner, plus Christmas Eve dinner, since my brother and his girlfriend have decided to come over on Christmas Eve. Now I have to prepare a whole new menu for them. If that wasn’t enough, I am not even close to finish my Christmas shopping and wrapping. 

The days have gone by far too quickly and as ready as I am, I am feeling a bit flustered and overwhelmed by the added guests and things to-do. I know everything will eventually get done and everything will be perfect but the anticipation of getting everything done the way I want it to be has me in a frenzy. 

I’m also hosting Christmas Eve dinner for my brother, his girlfriend and a couple of friends. But thankfully, I’m making Indian food, so it’ll be quick and easy or so I hope.

At least all of my gifts are wrapped and ready to be opened. I’m super excited to see everyone’s face when they’re opening the gifts. Then the big dinner. I love how my family and friends are always so appreciative for the effort I put into cooking. 

I’ve got to get going now. Merry Christmas to all of you and I hope you have a blessed day full of great laughs, delicious food and rooms filled with your loved ones.

I Ripped The Bandaid Off

I’ve finally resigned from my job. After a lot of deliberation and stress, I’ve finally sent my resignation letter to the HR team. The stress I felt and the bullying I dealt with during my time there by my boss was more than I could handle. It caused me severe stress and anxiety. I am not the type of person that gets bothered easily; however, the constant bickering and rudeness just pushed me over the edge. 

It took me nearly four months to come to terms with why my body was reacting the way it was. After endless conversations with my doctor, we came to the conclusion that part of the reason for my illness was physical but mostly the reason was stress and anxiety I was feeling while being at work. 

I spoke to the HR director and told her everything that went on while I was there. I told her that I loved working there and doing what I was doing was a passion but could not longer handle the bullying and drama caused by my boss and therefore, requested I be moved to a different department. I knew that my request would probably not be feasible; but I had to try. Unfortunately, as I had predicted, it wasn’t and so, I resigned. 

It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in the past while. Having no income, no financial stability and security and the loss of benefits has me very nervous. However, I had to do what was best for my physical and mental well-being. I had to put myself first ahead of our financial needs. I know, I sound selfish and maybe even childish. But this was a very well-thought-out decision. I had over fours months to come to this decision and it took a lot out of me to pull this bandage off. 

I don’t know what the future holds for my career. For now, I am assisting my husband with his business as his assistant manager of business development, with the hope of progressing my career and learning new skills in the business world. Currently, he has me doing all of the filing, administrative duties and some accounting. I am also speaking with corporate offices and other businesses to bring in more business to his franchise by setting up catering and house accounts. 

I’ve set a monthly target for myself for the amount of business I bring in and new accounts I produce for him. I need to do this for him and his business but more so, for myself. I need to prove to myself that I am capable and with all of the years of experience in the media industry, I have indeed learned a lot and can act on those skills. 

I know I’ve jeopardized my family’s future by quitting my job; however, I have faith in myself and know I will come out of all this on top and succeed. 

Wish me luck, won’t you? I’ll let you know how I do at the end of my month with my target. Stay tuned and pray for me!

Still Home With Vertigo

I’ve had vertigo for the past two weeks and I’ve been home trying to cope with it.  It’s a terrible thing to have because at any given time you are dizzy, feel like the ground and walls are moving around you and it causes terrible nausea. I’ve also endured multiple headaches; worst then I’ve ever had before, so many sleepless nights and the feeling of my heart pounding against my chest so hard as if it’s going to explode.

My doctor put me on an anti-vertigo pill; which hasn’t really helped yet and now I’m also taking Gravol to cope with the nausea. But the Gravol makes me extremely drowsy and if I don’t lay down soon after, I get a horrible feeling of anxiety; it’s not a good feeling to have. I’m also waiting for an ENT appointment, so that the specialist can run some tests to see why I have this thing. But it’s been a week and no appointment yet.

I’ve been home from work well over a week now and if all the physical feeling and issues in having with the vertigo weren’t bad enough, I’m also dealing with the thoughts that I might lose my job for being off work so long. Although I’ve provided my boss with doctor’s notes and even given her his number to call should she wish to confirm my condition; I still feel as though she doesn’t believe me.

I know there’s not much I can do but wait this thing out and try to avoid the foods and drinks that may trigger it or cause it to worsen. But I really wish this thing would go away so that I could go back to being myself again.

Will keep you posted on how I’m doing. I can’t really spend too much time writing because staring at the phone bothers my eyes and causes a headache. But I’ll try to provide more details when I can. Stay tuned and stay healthy and if any of you or someone you know has had vertigo and  knows how to get rid of it, please for heaven’s sake share it with me!

Depression: Where did it all begin?

I’ve been lazy to write this week. I’m home today with a terrible headache or migraine that won’t go away. I feel very sleepy almost all day long, even though I have chugged down 2-3 large black coffees throughout. I know it’s the lack of calories, sleep deprivation and emotional roller-coaster that has me feeling this way. But there’s more to it.
Last week, I had a follow-up with my physician. He said my depression wasn’t a chemical imbalance and was more relationship/situation based. I find that absurd. I mean, it’s partially true; I am unhappy with many relationships/situations in my day-to-day life. But I have been depressed for a long time, longer than I can remember. Were all those years of feeling unhappy all situation based as well? I try hard to analyze the past 32 years and find it hard to nail down the true cause of my depression and what started it all. So much has happened over the years, how do I list it all?

It needs to be done, though. I need to list all the situations or events that happened, one-by-one. Then expand on each situation, explain it, analyze it and then conclude it.

Maybe it is time I begin my autobiography, again. I tried this a few years ago, got pretty far and even posted parts of it on here. But soon after, decided to remove everything and delete it. Stupid mistake. But I know why I deleted everything; too many secrets. Secrets that could ruin me, secrets that could hurt me and those around me, secrets I have not told anyone, ever. Maybe it is time I grab a notepad and begin to write. This maybe the first step to finding my reason for being.

It’s Not What You Think

I’ve had a couple of people try to guess what most of my posts are about. Some guesses were absolutely absurd, others painfully hilarious. To be honest with you, I’ve only told two (2) people about the true reason(s) behind my posts, anxiety and depression. I am not ready tell anyone else right now. One of the two people is involved partially, the other has become my support system and guidance.

Unfortunately, I just cannot open up to everyone yet. I am not ready. The two people that do know the details, needed to know because they were so involved in my life. But my deepest, darkest are too much for me to expose yet. As I’ve said all along, they will ruin the little that I have and I’m not ready to take such a big risk, just yet.

I will tell you this much, it’s nothing you have thought about. It probably won’t even be a big deal once you hear all of it. For me it is because I am an extremest with no in between. But for most of you it might not be a very big deal. Plus, it’s not just one thing, there are so many little things that have added to all the extremities of my depression and anxiety; they’ve built it up so much that I am having a very difficult time getting past this episode.

How I’m feeling today:

“Today my forest is dark. The trees are sad and all the butterflies have broken wings.” – Raine Cooper

I Dyed My Hair Purple

  Randomly, on Monday night I decided to dye my hair purple. It was an impulse decision to finally do it but I had been thinking about it for quite some time. I’ve dyed my hair many colours in the past but a full head of purple, never. 

I had Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off this week so it didn’t bother me that my hair was purple. But when Thursday morning came, I began freaking out and wondering what people at work would think about me. At first, I thought to myself to call it in sick, but quickly decided against that. Then I thought maybe tying it up in a bun would lessen the reaction i would receive. Finally, I said fuck it, I’m going as I am and it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks. 

I dyed my hair purple because I love the color but also because it was a scream for individuality. A scream to tell myself that I am still alive, that all this going on in my head will pass eventually, that with every wash the color would fade, as the issues and struggles with myself would fade. 

Every time I look in the mirror since Monday, I smile and secretly tell myself, “you’ve got some balls to be walking around with a head of purple hair”, and it makes me feel good. It makes me feel like myself before this episode of depression took over my mind and soul. 

Baby steps, remember? Baby steps to one day of happiness at a time. Clearly, this wasn’t a very baby step, th was a bold, in your face, screaming step, but nonetheless, it was a step that lets me look at myself and smile for a few minutes each day. The color will fade sooner than later, semi-permanent after all, but the memories of having purple hair are being captured daily in photos and thoughts. 

Have you ever done something dramatic to get you through your anxiety, depression or battles with yourself?

Self-Help Rememdies To Calm Your Anxiety

A friend recently reached out to me to get my advice on anti-depressant medication and how she can manage her anxiety. This friend is a strong woman, who strives on only using natural remedies and I doubt she ever takes real medicine unless it’s necessary. I was a little taken-back when she told me she was suffering from anxiety. I haven’t seen her in a long-time, but from what I remember of her, she was always such a calm, cool, easy-going person. I used to look up to her as an older sister because she was so confident and successful.

So, when she told me she was seeking help for anxiety, I was a bit shocked. I know she’s stopped working and is a stay-at-home mom for 3 beautiful children, but anxiety? I guess, it’s understandable. Having just Ni to take care of sometimes does its toll on me and makes me feel like escaping. But she’s got three little ones. Plus, the house chores, groceries, laundry, running errands….yes, I guess, anxiety is very understandable in her case. Matter-of-fact, in any mother’s case.

I strongly recommended she not take anti-depressants unless she absolutely needed them. I’ve taken anti-depressant for many years, off and on and if you can do without them, I would suggest, staying away. Anti-depressant medications are great, they calm you down, relax your crazy thoughts and even help you go to sleep. But they’re only great until they are not. There are an array of side-effects and they are very addictive (even if you don’t have an addictive personality).

I’m not shaming anti-depressants. They work for some people very well. But for me, I try to avoid them. So, I suggested to her to begin writing down her thoughts. When my depression nearly killed me, I wrote, it helped more than I can explain. You don’t write for someone to read your thoughts. You write to let out whatever it is you’re battling within yourself. Sometimes, I wrote ten pages, sometimes only a single word. But it helped. I’ve asked her to buy a journal from the Dollar Store and begin taking a couple of minutes everyday to write what she’s thinking, how she’s feeling, what she did that day; was it good or bad, did she enjoy it or want to change it?

Aside from writing, here are a couple of other things that help me ease my depression and anxiety:

Chamomile Tea:
They say drinking chamomile tea helps calm you down and relaxes your anxiety. I’m not a fan of chamomile tea because I just cannot tolerate the taste. But if you can look beyond the taste, it has similar compounds that bind to the brain receptors such as drugs like Valium to help calm anxiety symptoms.

Green Tea:
Green tea has an amino acid called L-theanine; which helps regulate a fast heart-rate and blood pressure and may also help reduce anxiety. Add some honey to the mix and you may as well have one of the best soothing drinks to relax yourself before bedtime.

Lavender is known for its relaxation, healing powers. I burn lavender candles, burn incense and even spray lavender and vanilla air-freshener in my apartment before bed to help me fall asleep. Glade makes an amazing air-freshener that really freshens up the place and has a long-lasting scent; which isn’t too strong.

Eat a piece of chocolate or chocolate cake:
This remedy is probably a cause of me being over-weight. But it helps. There is something in chocolate that really satisfies the mind and relaxes the body. So, have some chocolate (not too late at night though) and calm your senses.

Practice breathing:
I’ve read on many websites that in the middle of an anxiety attack, it’s hard to focus on your breathing and breathing exercises just do not work. But I’ve tried it, before and during an attack and I can honestly say, if practiced regularly, it will help. Sometimes taking in a deep breath and releasing it slowly does relax your body, calm your heart-rate and feel like you’re releasing your tensions.

I regularly practice breathing by counting while I’m doing it. 5 seconds to inhale, hold for 5 seconds and release for 8 seconds. I do 5 sets of these and it truly calms me right down.

Take a hot shower or warm bath:
There is something about hot showers that help me release my tensions and I always come out of the bathroom after a hot shower relaxed and at ease with myself. Sometimes, I cry my heart out in the shower, sometimes I just stand there letting the hot water hit my skin and zone out. Sometimes, I listen to music and even talk to myself (yes, I sound a little crazy, but it helps! Don’t judge.)

And if all else fails me, I hide in the bathroom for ten minutes, yell at the top of my lungs if no one is home and then come out slightly calmer. I hope some of these remedies and ideas help my friend out and you out.

Do you have anxiety or depression? If so, share your tips and secrets with dealing with it and staying sane!