Tag Archives: depressed

Never Put More Faith In Someone Than They Deserve

197075_1291417941423_5872494_nSometimes people come in our lives and immediately become one of the most important people you’ll ever meet. You become so close to them, trust them with your deepest, darkest secrets and rely on them to be everything you were lacking in your life.

You trust them with everything you are and give them so much importance. But sometimes, these people take the importance you are giving them for granted. They treat you with disrespect and are mean at times, but because you have made them out to be so important in your life that you overlook all the terrible things they say or do. You ignore the fact that they are verbally and emotionally hurting you. It’s like you’ve got an imaginary blindfold over your eyes. You see everything they are doing, but you don’t let it bother you because they are your friend, they are important, they are everything and everyone you rely on.

But you are nothing for them. You don’t have any importance in their life. You are just another person they meet and talk to. They continue to be mean to you and say things that should hurt you. But you ignore it all. You continue on with your ignorance and stupidity.

Until one day, everything explodes. All secrets are unveiled. All lies told. All truths opened. The world around you shatters. The walls cave in and you are left defenceless, helpless, vulnerable and exposed. With nowhere to turn, you face the reality of your ignorance and are hit head-on with things you never thought others would know.

Here I am today; completely exposed. So, what do I do next? Any suggestions? Because today, I am completely lost. I put my life and trust in the hands of a friend, that betrayed me in the worst possible way. It was my fault, I admit it. It was all my fault. But what do I do now?

Depression And Not Much Else To Talk About

I went out this weekend, got completely shit-faced drunk and then spent the remainder of the weekend with a hangover. The baby was with my parents, thank goodness, plus I didn’t drive, so I was free to do whatever I wanted. I thought getting drunk and dancing at a club like I was single again and a teenager would make me feel better. It didn’t.

Nothing is making me feel better. I feel miserable at home and at work. My career is stuck with no growth potential left. I feel looked down at, as if the people that are now running the show don’t know my abilities and I doubt they care to know. Each day is such a challenge to get ready and make myself go to work.

At home it isn’t any better. Nothing seems right and I am just not happy with anything around me. 

I want to escape, alone for a while without worrying about anything. 

Even writing on my blog isn’t helping these days. I need a break! 

The Decision To Take Anti-Depressants

Emptiness

A while ago, I was prescribed anti-depressant to deal with my depression, I didn’t take them. There is so much negativity around taking anti-depressant, especially in my culture. Taking a pill to deal with yourself is a sign of weakness and you are labelled as retarded or mentally unstable.

Even my parents had this thinking. Taking pills for mental health and/or speaking to a psychiatrist meant you were needy and unfit. It was a big taboo. So, I never took anti-depressant, no matter what happened in my life and how badly it affected the person I was becoming.

Growing up, I was the tough-child. Nothing phased me. I could get through everything without shedding a tear, or so everyone believed. But I cried myself to sleep a million times, never in front of anyone. I kept a diary and put my heart and soul on paper. But refused to let my hard-exterior drop in front of others. This went on for years and years until I finally started cutting myself. Did your jaw just drop at the news of that?

Cutting oneself is a different kind of high that many people do not understand. When you are battling your worst demons and your heart hurts, it is nearly impossible to rid yourself of the pain you are experiencing. This is where cutting came in for me; if I could inflict physical pain to myself, then maybe the internal pain would stop. And it did. For some time.

You don’t cut to kill yourself. Anyone that has ever gotten to the point of cutting themselves, knows this and knows how and where to cut and if they don’t, they’ll indefinitely look it up. For me, it was this mindset that I needed to do anything in the world to get the pain out of my mind and soul and so I cut. At the time, this was my logic. 15-20 years later and slightly wiser, I know cutting won’t rid me of my demons or pains. If anything, I’ll make me weaker knowing I gave into my misery.

Today I have decided to take an anti-depressant. After much thought, reading and research, it became clear to me, that this is the way to go. I don’t know what the outcome of this tiny pill will be; all I can hope for is that it helps me control these extreme highs and lows I have felt for the past while, especially this week.

This week, I have felt defeated. I have felt lost. I have felt hopeless, almost pathetic. I felt like running away. I even lay in bed a few nights ago and thought how my husband and child’s lives would be should I pass-away suddenly. No, I didn’t plan my suicide or even consider doing it. It was just thoughts of am I helping their lives? Am I making their lives any better or easier? Am I giving them happiness? Or are they secretly as depressed as I am because of my depression?

After fighting myself all week, I urgently made an appointment with my family doctor, met with him and gave him the details of this episode. He knows the history, he knows the triggers. He knows it must have been so bad this time around that I HAD to see him immediately. And after a long chat, he prescribed me with Wellbutrin. It’s going to help calm things down, I hope.

I took a pill this morning. anti-depressant don’t take effect immediately. But this is a beginning to managing my mental-health and stability.

Some times a new beginning is all you need.

Another Night, Another Emotional Battle With Myself

Sometimes I feel like something is missing. But what? Money? No. We’re comfortable for the moment. A home? No, we’re happy were we are. A husband? No, I have one of those. A child? No, I am blessed with one of those as well. Food? No, there’s never been any shortage (thankfully).

Surrounded by everything I “need” to survive and even some “wants” to keep the days more pleasurable, I find myself feeling empty. Something is amiss. Like a piece of me is lost. There’s a void I cannot fill. No one has been able to either. But I don’t know what it is that I’ve lost or misplaced or that has been taken from me. But I am not me. No, I am a lost a soul; unhappy in my skin, in my darkness, in my light. Nothing anyone does can change the way I am feeling. No one can push back the tears that ever so easily flow from my eyes. No one can give me reasoning to why I am fighting this battle.

All the positives in my world do not let me escape this negativity. A piece of me is lost. Lost somewhere far away. But how  do I find what I don’t know is missing? Who do I ask to bring back that piece of me when I don’t know who’s taken it? There is no light at the end of my tunnel. There is no silver-lining to these dark clouds overhead. So, I toss and turn and the night passes with my heart and mind battling each other once again.

My heart says you have plenty. My mind shouts back, “there’s this one thing missing”. My heart says be thankful for all you have. My mind says with all I have there is an emptiness. My heart says people around you love you dearly. My mind says I know but why isn’t it enough? My heart says it will all be alright, have patience. My mind looks for a way to make it all alright but finds nothing.

Emptiness engulfs me and makes me cry. With each tear that falls another little piece of me goes amiss. I lose myself deeper in this darkness. Finally, I fall asleep and the tears stop. Utter silence. It all goes away for a little while.

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A Final Goodbye

Trish
Source: http://ak-cache.legacy.net/legacy/images/Cobrands/NationalPost/Photos//1089661_A_20150106.jpg

Today we bid a final goodbye to a beautiful soul, Patricia Soriano. She was a caring soul and brightened everyone’s day. She was a hardworking colleague and was ever ready to help in any way she could. She had this smile that would brighten even the dullest of days or cheer-up the worst moods. She was indeed an angel in disguise to all the lives she touched.

I don’t do well at funerals as it is and to see her or know that she was the one in front of me would absolutely tear my heart into pieces, so I’ve decided not to attend her service today. Although, I was never very close to her in my personal life, I still cannot seem to come to terms with the fact that she has passed away. Such a young and good-heart woman passing away, is just not normal and if it is, it shouldn’t be!

So as I sit at my desk. while my other colleagues attend her funeral service today and bid their final goodbyes, I close my eyes for a minute of silence in her honor and bid my goodbye to her as well.

Patricia, you will forever be missed but never forgotten. You were one of the sweetest, most caring and darling persons I’ve ever worked with and met. Your passing away is still a shock to me. But once I can come to terms with the fact that I will not see you again and all of this is truly a bitter reality, I promise to come visit your grave and give you the proper goodbye that you so dearly deserve. May you rest in peace and may your soul find eternal bliss and may you shine down on all the lives you’ve touched while on earth as you did in your present life.

I send your husband, family and friends my deepest sympathies and lots of courage, strength and peace as this day and the rest of their lives pass without your presence.

Rest in Peace Patricia Van Helvoort-Soriano.

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The Update I’ve Procrastinated To Give

A couple of months ago, my life changed drastically. My house, my world and family turned upside-down. This change or roller-coaster I’ve unwillingly been placed on has totally messed up everything that was going smoothly. We’ve had to change the way we live. Change the way we sleep. Change the way we act.

A couple of months ago, I discovered bed bugs in our home. These little blood-sucking termites are the termites of all termites. They just don’t go away until you throw everything you’ve ever owned out the door and start anew. The come back or hide in the sneakiest of places and wait for the perfect moment to evolve into a colony to take over your bed, bedroom and home on the whole.

Yes, there are exterminators available to get rid of them. But if the exterminator isn’t trained properly and lacks experience, you can bet your life on it, you won’t rid yourself of them. That’s exactly what has happened to me over the past few months. I did everything in my power to prepare and eliminate them. But just keep coming back. With three weeks to my surgery left, I’ve had to make a very hard decision; to move or get rid of everything we own and start anew? Moving isn’t feasible right now; my surgery, upcoming trip to India and the lack of time have all that decided. But starting anew is also a very tough decision to make and act on.

How do you just throw out everything you’ve ever owned, bought with love and excitement? How do you just make your for-time-now, picture perfect home lose everything you’ve spent so much hard-earned dollars on? How do you wipe the slate blank and start fresh? And throw it all, how to be the support your family needs you to be without breaking-down and losing hope?

I’ve had to do all that these past couple of months. I’ve thrown out so much clothes, linen, brand-new furniture, carpets, and baby-stuff over this time and I’m still not done yet. Over the next couple of days, I have to throw out every single piece of furniture I have left in my home. I have to re-wash every piece of clothing, linen and rugs we own and pack them in plastic garbage backs and then plastic containers and move them into the balcony. All of this before the exterminator arrives on Wednesday morning.

So, yes, I’ve gone MIA from my blog for the past few weeks/month. But my intent wasn’t to abandon all you or my blog forever. Life has been a cluster-fuck since the beginning of this year. And although, I am tackling my issues one-by-one, it’s hard to stay positive and focused on other things besides the task at hand.

Once again, I apologize for not being here and letting all of you know what’s going on. It’s not an easy topic to discuss and has taken a lot of courage to finally put this update up here. But after Wednesday I should be in a better place and will be able to give more time to all of you and my blog. So please be patient and come back for the updates I love providing.

Xoxo
Tamana~

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Is My Life Falling Apart Again?

I got into a car accident this evening. I’m fine, just a sore back. But the car took a lot of damage. After speaking to the insurance company, I don’t even know if I’ll have a car after tomorrow. Of course, I have full coverage on my policy. But the agent mentioned that since the airbag deflated, the car might be a complete write-off. Apparently, fixing an airbag is so costly, that might cost more than the car is actually worth. In which case, the company will just write me a check for the value of the car so that I can’t get another one. But my car is financed and so I’ll have to hand that check over to the finance company instead.

Did you read my first sentence? I got into a car accident! The impact alone shook me down to the bone. That split second had my heart pounding like it was going to pop right out of my chest. No, I didn’t see my life flash before my eyes. I did however, see my death. But you know what? I walked away without a scratch on me (besides the sore back). I’m alive and I’m fine, at least physically. Emotionally though, I am a complete wreck. If the accident alone wasn’t enough, I came home to an un-empathetic husband, who was more concerned about the car, the money and the insurance premium rising more than he was about me and my well-being.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to go to work tomorrow or not. My back is just too sore. So, that’ll be another day off. Last week, Ni’s stomach bug had me in and out of the office. I had a flat on my way home. Was stuck in traffic one specific day for nearly 30 minutes. And through all of this, I’ve stayed strong. I’ve just kept pushing on and on and on. I haven’t mentioned to anyone that last week took a big toll on me and I was emotionally and physically drained. No, I didn’t complain one bit. I kept going.

But today, this accident, it brought it all out. Everything is on the surface and when I look around me, I stand alone. So alone that I cannot get through to anyone. I feel like my heart just shattered once again and I don’t even have the motive or energy to pick up the pieces again and put myself back together. I mean really, what’s the point? All these years, so many incidents have occurred where I’ve fallen, broken even and bandaid myself back together. But eventually you get to a point when you’ve broken in so many pieces that it becomes nearly impossible to regain any sort of wholeness within yourself.

I think I’m at that point now. I’m just too damn tired of falling, breaking and getting back together again. I’m exhausted. Maybe I just need to run away. Start anew. Forget everything behind and never look back. Maybe. Somewhere in my heart, one part of me says “live. There is so much to live for. Ni. D. Myself.” But the another part of me asks, “what’s the point? You’re only going to fall back down again and shatter yourself a little more.”

Is my life falling apart? You tell me after everything I’ve written above and of what you about me.