Tag Archives: Emotional

Alone – Random Thoughts

My mind has been playing games with me daily, I have been having extreme highs and even more extreme lows. One day, I appreciate the world, the things around me, the people that haven’t strayed away from me and the things I have. The next day, I feel confused, baffled by my lack of energy and determination to go on, alone, depressed and a general hatred for humanity.

I have put myself in situations that may seem stupid or unnecessary to an onlooker, but deep within the depths of my soul, I know these situations were a long-time coming. I stirred the pot and am now paying the consequences of my interference.

But I have come to realize that when you want a change, when you want betterment, when you realize your self-worth and demand it from the people and things around you, it becomes a journey you have to go through alone.

Yes, there are a few souls I am blessed with who check-up on me from time to time, wanting to make sure I am still here and wanting to know that I haven’t let my darkness overcome my soul. These souls, I am ever so grateful for.

However, I cannot be completely open with any of them. I have found myself hiding bitter details from every one of them, whether it’s one thing or another. The soul that truly knows me is the one I hide my miseries from the most because that soul is burdened by their own situations and wouldn’t be able to carry the weight of mine along with theirs.

So, on the nights when my soul and being is dark, low and disturbed, I find myself feeling extremely low and yearning to let everything out. The weight of these burdens feels overwhelming and exhausting causing me to feel alone.

In this moment, the loneliness I feel is beyond any loneliness I have ever felt.

I am coming to realize and understand (slowly), that this is a journey I need to go through alone. No one can save me from the situations I have caused, except for myself. I just wish that all the energy, love and time I had sacrificed for others was reciprocated right now, because fighting your demons on your own is a lonely and scary scenario to overcome.

But I still stand alone and will stand alone for as long as it takes to overcome this chapter of my life because as the saying goes:

This too, shall pass.”

~Tamana

Rock Bottom

There is a time in our lives when we hit rock bottom, some of us more than once. Everything that you could think of going wrong, goes wrong. Every attempt to climb back up makes you slip down even further. You don’t realize how far down you can go until you slam face first into the ground and realize you have lost everything you spent so many years building.

When you look up from the bottom, the light seems far out of reach. You begin to lose hope. You begin to lose sense of reality. Everything that once made sense suddenly seems so stranger and confusing. And if you’ve got a destructive personality, you turn to self-sabotage. You’re already at the bottom, you might as well destroy the little bit of self you have left.

You know what you want and need to get back up but nothing works in your favour. Every opportunity to rebuild demolishes and becomes far out of reach.

So what do you do? How the fuck do you get back up? How do you rebuild? Forget turning the pages, how do you burn the goddamn fuckin book and begin again?

This is my dilemma. I am stuck; glued to the bottom. Every time I try to get up, I get pulled back down partially by my own demons, partially by situations. Every attempt is failing. Every hope is dying. I have lost all sense of reality and nothing is making sense anymore.

~Tamana

Death and Rebirth

In astrology, the scorpion is known for its constant cycles of transformation, ruled by emotions and instinct. It stings itself rather than others, hence killing itself off and re-emerging stronger, wiser, more determined.

I have always believed in astrology and have taken the characteristics of my zodiac sign seriously. Maybe that’s why I find myself, time and time again, in transformation mode; killing my old self and giving birth to a new, wiser one.

This trip across the world made me realize that my soul is ready for another transformation. Everything I have been for the past few years, needs to change. My mindset and career are evolving. I have hit rock bottom. I am broke, unemployed, emotionally drained and physically unwell. My relationships are being tested, some intentionally, some due to the circumstances that have arisen.

Now that I’m at rock bottom, the only way to move is up, with or without anyone by my side. It’s become apparent, especially over the past few days that people will only stand by your side for so long. Some I would have never thought to leave my side, who would have stayed through no matter what situation arose, have proven me wrong. Others I thought would divide the moment the volcano erupted have stood steady becoming my pillars. Finally, there are some that have proven how ignorant I have been for so long. The masks have all come off and everyone is now recognizable.

Including myself.

I am no longer the Tamana I was three weeks ago. I am no longer the mother I was. No longer the wife, sister, daughter or friend I was. Every responsibility has changed. I died a million deaths over the past twenty days, each time killing a relationship and responsibility and with each death giving birth to a new relationship and responsibility. Assessments of every new relationship was made and given the priority it required.

The highest priority given to self because the death of that Tamana taught me that without a rebirth of an improved, determined Tamana none of those priorities or relationships would matter.

Here I stand with the death of the old and rebirth of the new Tamana; the writer, the self-efficient, independent woman with her priorities in order and self-awareness higher than ever. Like the scorpion, her stinger is raised, ready to attack anything and anyone that threatens her or her peace.

~Tamana

Shut-Up and Deal With It

Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn. So many things happen to us on a daily basis. Sometimes they happen right in front of our eyes; where it’s obvious that we’re going through this and sometimes we realize what has happened after the fact.

Lately, I’ve been realizing so many things that have happened in the past while that I have been oblivious to. Light only shedding on them after it’s too late for me to react. It’s probably because psychologically I have been unavailable to everything and everyone around me. I have been putting so much effort into the stuff going through my heart that I haven’t paid much attention to the things that have been right in front of me the whole time.

Now, after realizing what has been happening, I have become upset, irrational at times and even irate at times. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed and face the world. There are times when I want to take my child and run as far away as I can from everyone else. There are times when I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and ask the universe what the fuck it’s doing.

But the older I get, the more I realize that as an adult, as a person, as a mother, you just have to shut the hell up and deal with whatever you’re dealt with. You can’t fight everyone and everything that causes you anxiety or stress. You can’t give up and run away from your miseries. If I was alone, single, not responsible for a mini-me then I’d probably be gone by now. That’s just not reasonable or an option because I do have a little me to look out for and make sure she doesn’t go through the emotional and psychological distress I have gone through for so many years. I have to make sure that she grows up to be a decent human being and gains all the things I wasn’t able to. But along with her, I have to make sure that she has a happy, healthy mother to look up to.

So, right now, I just have to shut up and deal with whatever the universe is throwing at me and make the changes that have to be made in order for both of us to succeed.

~Tamana

Mom-In-Training: Happiness

Since Nid was born, I have done everything in my power to be the perfect mom to her. For someone who has never held a baby until her own was born, being a perfect mom has been a struggle and required a lot of extra effort every day.

Many people in my circle know that I don’t like children and even after having my own, that hasn’t changed. I don’t know what it is, I never liked children before and even now I find them annoying. I mean now that Nid is getting older, I definitely enjoy her company more but when she was younger I had no clue with what to do with her. I’m not one of those women that can sit there and play with a baby and go goo gaga all over them, that’s just not me and it never was.

Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t mean that I didn’t or don’t show her love and affection because I do. I just never had the tolerance to sit there and play and pretend to enjoy playing with her, that was her dad’s job. Me and her do other fun things together, like baking, art, crafts, mother-daughter spa days or movie nights.

But the fact of the matter is that I have always tried to be that perfect mom we read about in books and magazines. I try to make sure the house was clean, she always had a snack or food to eat, had clean nice clothes to wear, was learning. Pretty much, I took care of her in every which way possible and always attended to her needs.

However, us moms put so much effort into being that perfect mom because TV, social media, movies and magazines portray moms as these superwomen that can be and do all. My own mother was one of those superwomen; there is not a damn thing she didn’t do for us or her husband and I’m thankful for all she did. Now, when I look at her and think back about growing up, I wonder if my perfect, superwoman mother was happy or not.

Moms put so much emotion and energy into making sure their family and home are well-taken care of that they forget to take care of their own wellbeing and happiness; always putting everyone else’s needs before their own. Ten years ago, my mother would never admit that she wasn’t happy. But the more I get to know her and have confidential conversations with her after becoming an adult, the more I realize she hasn’t truly been happy for a long time. Yes, seeing her children succeed, get married, have families of their own brought her happiness as a mother but as a human being was she happy within herself? I don’t believe so.

I think many women forget that while being the perfect mother, you also need to be happy as a human being. If you’re not happy as a person you could do anything in the world to be the perfect mom and your child will not grow up feeling loved, cared for or happy because your emotional turmoil with yourself will reflect on your children. They will feel the pressure of your unhappiness and it will effect them in the long-run.

I realized that maybe a year or two ago when I took a step back, looked at myself and realized that I was doing everything I should as a mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend. The only thing was I couldn’t see happiness on Nid’s face while doing everything I should be doing for her. She was acting out, getting in way more trouble, having tantrums and not listening when I asked her to do something. The reality was that she was not happy because I was not happy. My depression, anger and anxiety was wearing off on my child and you could clearly see it. Although, we laughed and had fun, as a child, she was not happy.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that my daughter doesn’t need a perfect mom or a perfect home. What she needs is a happy mom and a happy place to come home to; where love was ample and happiness reflected in everything around her.

A year ago, I began this journey of finding myself and working on making myself happy. At times that means I am choosing myself over everyone and everything else. It means I am being a little selfish when it comes to my mental, physical and spiritual health. It means I am working on making sure I am happy as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend but more importantly as a person. It has been a struggle to put my needs first and I am very slowly crawling towards prioritizing myself first but I’m getting there. Slowly but surely. And it shows when I look at Nid and how she behaves. I know I still have a lot more work to do to get to where I should be but any progress forward is good progress.

It’s simple; choose you first because if you’re not happy as a person, then you’ll never be happy playing all the roles you play in the lives of others.

~Tamana

A Feeling Of Broken

Do you ever feel broken, like pieces of you have been shattered and spread out like shards of glass? Today I feel broken. My heart hurts, my eyes are so painful because there are no more tears to shed, my soul feels alone and my ego is lost.

I’m one of the biggest assholes you’ll ever meet. I don’t take bullshit from anymore. I don’t have tolerance for ignorance or stupidity. I am normally blunt and don’t have a filter.

The one thing I am not is egotistic, I give people the benefit of the doubt, and I would never intentionally hurt someone. I would never cause anyone pain that is undeserving and even when it is deserving, I just cut them off and go on with my life. And I truly believe that is how people should be.

But there is always one person in our lives that can trash our ego, can shatter us to pieces, can cause us to lose our self worth and bring so much pain to our hearts that it physically hurts to breath. I too have someone like that in my life. They know the power and grasp they have over me. They know exactly how to shatter me and how to make me feel as if I am worthless. Not that they do it intentionally but they know the power they hold over me, as I know the power I hold.

Yet this is the same person that can bring me the greatest joys and make me feel like a million bucks. This is the same person that can fill my heart up with so much warmth that I am floating on cloud nine. This is the same person that taught me how to love and value myself. They are the same person that my soul craves and needs to feel whole. They are my twin flame and my soul mate.

And through this journey of being who we are, we have given each other some of the greatest of pains, yet also have experienced unlimited happiness and unconditional love. But sometimes what happens is that one person keeps giving and giving, while the other takes and takes without realizing that the other has given so much. Eventually, to the point where the giver becomes the taken for granted one and the receiver the oblivious one. Then one day, the giver can’t give anymore and everything that was boiling for the longest while ends up overflowing and eventually explodes.

Now the thing to know about twin flames is that we don’t complete each other but we help one another complete ourselves. So when things like this happen, the feeling of wholeness and completeness depletes and you are left vulnerable, strained, empty and broken. This is why my being feels broken today.

Although my twin has been made aware of the madness arising within me, I still await to be understood and relieved of the turmoil I am in. And until that happens, I continue to walk around shattered and lifeless, even though my personality and mask would tell you otherwise.

~Tamana

Happy Birthday, Soul Mate

Maybe this post is a bit late. It should’ve gone live at midnight on the 12th but due to unforeseen circumstances, I didn’t get to post it.

If you’ve followed my blog for the past few years, you’ll know who my soulmate is and if you haven’t well, tough luck. You can try and figure it out by going back into the posts of 2015 and you’ll find it.

Anyway, I wanted to say Happy Birthday to him today because I know eventually, one day, he will read it and know that there’s nothing in the world that could ever let me forget him. Maybe I haven’t called to wish him for many years, but life happens and well, he’ll understand and know why today I am and why I haven’t in all the past years.

So, today, I want to wish you happiness, love and success in everything you do. And although, we’re far apart today, distance is just an obstacle, nothing could let me forget you or our relationship. We’ve never met but if anyone knew the bond we shared, they’d never guess that, for you and I share a bond that is beyond this world, dimension and life. Happy Birthday chand!