Tag Archives: exhaustion

Guilty Or Just Exhausted?

Yesterday I did something that I feel horribly guilty about; Ni hadn’t slept all night and most of the day, so I dropped her off at my mom’s place to spend the night. I was so tired and depressed. She just wouldn’t settle down or sleep and I had been up all day and most of the day with her. My mom called in the evening and asked how I was doing and I complained that Ni was driving me crazy and I was so frustrated and tired and didn’t know if I could handle it anymore. So, mom suggested I bring Ni over to her place and she’ll take care of her so that I can get some rest.

I admit it was an easy out and I took the easy road and took Ni to her house and left her there for the night. But then last night as I lay in bed with D and was talking about what a frustrating and exhausting day I had with Ni, guilt hit me hard; I had left my angel at her grandparent’s house because I was frustrated and exhausted. How selfish is that of me? How could I just leave her there so I could rest? What a horrible mother I am. I cried for quite awhile but D reassured me that she was safe and her grandparents love her dearly and I too deserved to get some sleep and relax. But my heart felt sore and I could barely sleep all night.

Am I wrong for feeling this guilt like D suggests? Or did I do the right thing by having Ni spend the night with her grandparents so I could rest? Any suggestions?

I’m just feeling so horrible today about what I did. I feel like I neglected my duties as a mother. I left my downfall get the best of me.

But I was so frustrated and tired and am sure Ni could hear it in my voice because I sounded mean to her when I was trying to calm her. My darling angel probably thinks I’m a horrible mother. 😦


How To Calm A Baby

You know when you were pregnant and couldn’t move around without waddling like a penguin and getting up and sitting down was such a huge task, and waking up in the morning, showering, getting ready and going to work seemed like a huge accomplishment; well, that was the easy part! Even going through the labor and delivery wasn’t as exhausting and tough as taking care of a newborn.

Everyone tells you about the joys of pregnancy and being a new mom. But what everyone forgets to tell you is that the first six weeks or so of motherhood are going to be the hardest six weeks of your life. If you’re lucky, your mother-in-law and own mother will come help with the daily tasks and give you a few hours to yourself. But if you’re not or don’t have a mother or mother-in-law then you and your partner better be prepared for the bumpiest, most sleep-disruptive ride of your lives.

Ni is 3.5 weeks old and for the first week my mom slept over and helped out quite a lot. But soon after, she too became exhausted and hasn’t been feeling too well, so she’s gone back to her place and only occasionally comes over to help out. D’s been ever-so-helpful but busy himself lately. So, all Ni has left is her mommy, who’s trying to do her best to not get frustrated due to the exhaustion she feels. But sometimes its hard not to want to cry and sulk or take out your frustrations on your spouse ( as I have about half a dozen times this week).

I mean, overall, I’ve been blessed with a good child who doesn’t fuss and muss too much. But boy, when she does its like the end of the world. Lol. Those moments (realistically an hour or more) can be utterly nerve-wrecking and tormenting for you. But the one thing I’ve learned these past few weeks is, when she’s fussing be gentle, keep calm, and don’t let her feel your frustration. Because although baby maybe too young to understand many things at this time, they do realize when a parent is frustrated and that affects how quickly they settle down.

I’d like to share a few tips to settling a fussy baby (I haven’t mastered the art of calming a baby but Ni seems to calm down after a I’ve tried a few of these tactics on her).

1. Check the diaper! Some babies can tolerate a wet or soiled diaper for a couple of hours. But if your baby seems to have sensitive skin, like Ni, then she’ll fuss and get really worked up fast. So, make sure to check the diaper and change it first.

2. Is Baby Hungry? If you see baby smacking her lips together or sucking on her fingers or as Ni does, she cries and screams angay or so it sounds like, try sticking the tip of your pinky finger in her mouth and if she sucks, you know those are hunger cries. So what are you waiting for? Feed her already!

3. Is She Gassy? The best way to tell if your baby is gassy is if she’s got her fists clenched and seems to be pushing hard. My solution for this is try burping her on your shoulder or sit her up right and see if she can burp out the gas bubble. Ovol drops are useless and don’t help much. But if you can buy a bottle of Gripe water then your baby will love you! I give Ni a bit of gripe water in the morning because she’s been very colicky lately and the pediatrician was ok with me giving it to her daily as its more natural than giving Ovol drops.

4. Over-Stimulated? Sometimes a baby can be over-stimulated. Maybe you’ve had many visitors holding and touching her all day. Maybe you’ve been out and about in a noisy environment. Ni sometimes gets over-stimulated just by being over at my mom’s house and hearing all the kids play and dog bark. So, I give her a warm bath at night (well D does because I’m to chicken to by myself) and then he massages her gently with baby lotion, puts on her PJ’s and I feed her and then she falls asleep. This has seemed to help the most lately.

5. Maybe She Just Wants To Be Held Sometimes Ni is just fussy because she’s a baby and can be. So, when all else fails, I wrap her in a warm blanket and in my arms, I stand with my legs spread shoulder-length apart and rock my hips from side to side and sing in the most calm voice I possibly can (never knew I even had such a calm voice). After a good 10-15 mins of rocking and singing my darling angels settles down and normally falls asleep. But if her sleep isn’t deep, then I’ll take her into bed with me and let her sleep beside me until she wakes to be fed.

These few simple tricks have helped my little princess calm down and fall asleep. I know when a baby is fussing its hard not to lose your own cool. But if you can put your cool and frustrations on the back burner for a bit and calm baby down first, trust me you’ll all be much happier. Try them out and see if any of these work for you. Or share with me how you’ve calmed your little bundle of fuss, I mean joy!

Happy Mother-hooding!

Quick Update: Exhaustion and Colic Issues

Dearest Ni had horrible gas all night and an upset stomach. Mommy and daddy spent the night taking shifts carrying, rocking and swaddling Ni. 4-5 diapers later and running out to get gripe water at 2:30 in the morning, Ni finally fell asleep around 8:45am this morning. Poor little angel was in such horrible pain and discomfort all night with colic issues. Mommy and daddy didn’t take a chance to rest or relax either. After all how could they when their little princess was in such discomfort?

But exhaustion has taken on a whole different level for mommy and daddy this past day and night. Thank goodness grandma came over this evening to help mommy out. Otherwise God only knows mommy might have gone nuts. And poor daddy still hasn’t slept yet. He held Ni most of the night trying to sooth her and ease her pain and discomfort; while mommy grabbed diapers and tried to pump breast milk.

Maybe I’ll give D a massage tonight before bed and let him sleep in tomorrow while grandma and I tend to Ni’s needs. Ni finally seems a bit at ease now and hopefully we’ll have a better night.

Well, I’m off for now. Hope you’ve all enjoyed your weekend and have rested up for the week ahead.

Don’t Feel Like Doing Anything

Lately, I’ve been very stressed and frustrated. Seems like the weight if the world on my shoulders. There is so much to do and not enough time to do it all. And I am just so exhausted both physically and mentally. So, I don’t feel like doing anything at all.

Even today, besides going to the bank to get a draft for my first and last month’s rent and then giving it to the new landlord, I did nothing at all. I made lunch for myself and then slept the rest of the day. But I still have so much packing to do. I just can’t find the strength to do it.

Even taking the time to write this post was excruciatingly hard. Maybe I’m over worked and actually exhausted; which is why I lack motivation to do anything. Or maybe I’m just frustrated that everything is on my shoulders; so procrastinating to get things done.

I just don’t know. I need a break. I well deserved break away from everyone and everything. I wish March was here already!

Well, I better get back to packing. Sigh. Have a good weekend all.

Sleep, Sleep, Go Away, Come Back Another Day

I am sleep deprived. I am exhausted. I miss my bed. All I want to do is slip underneath the covers and drift away into a sweet sleep.

Unfortunately, I cannot. I must stay at the restaurant for another hour or so. Once I leave here, I’ll go home, prepare dinner and then pick up D. And the cycle goes on.

That’s all for today’s post. My brain is tried, as is my body. Good night, my lovelies. Sleep tight. Will post tomorrow, hopefully after a good night’s sleep.

Exhaustion Is A Very Bad Thing

My mind, my body, me overall is exhausted. This week has definitely been too much for me to handle. Right now, the only pleasing thing in the world is to lay down on my bed and sleep for endless hours. Unfortunately, that is not possible just yet.

Let’s sum up this week:

1. Engagement on Sunday early in the morning.
2. Monday morning work at 8am. Then the evening spent running deliveries and waiting tables. Came home at 10:30pm, made dinner for D and myself and then off to bed by 1am.
3. Tuesday morning again at work by 8am and then back at the restaurant until 9pm, then home, dinner and 1am bed-time.
4. Wednesday morning up at 5:45am and at work by 6:45am. Left work at noon and went home to D. Cleaned the house, showered, changed and off to Guelph to pick up some of D’s mail. 2.5 hours in traffic later finally reached Guelph. Stayed there for 20 minutes and then another 1.5 hours drive back to Toronto. On the way to Toronto my mom calls and says to pick her up from my dad’s restaurant. Picked her up, went over to her place to celebrate Diwali and have dinner. Came home by 9pm and lit Diyas and prayed at our home. Off to bed at 1:30am.
5. Thursday up again at 5:45am and at work by 7:30am. Stayed at work until 4:30pm and then back to the restaurant to run deliveries and wait tables. Left restaurant at 9pm, picked up cat food , milk, eggs and came home. Changed and did the dishes and cooked dinner for D. Picked up D from train station at 11:15pm, came home, heated up food for him, after he ate, had a cup of tea, ironed his clothes for the morning and off to sleep at 2am.
6. Friday morning, woke up at 7:30am, got ready and arrived at work at 8:30am. Will end up staying here until 6pm-ish and then back home. The I’ll pick up my mom from her home and drive her to the restaurant around 9:30pm. Come home after that, prepare dinner for D and I and then wait for him to call to pick him up from the train station. By the time he gets home, eats and has tea it’ll be 1am. Will sit with him for a bit and chat and then off to bed by 2am. And then Saturday morning he’s got work early so we’ll be back up at 8am.

Phew! What a week. After he goes to work on Saturday morning I pan to sleep the day away.

I am so exhausted that I’ve bickered at everyone around me. I’m easily frustrated and irritated and seem to be in a bad mood since early this morning. I really need a break. My exhaustion is getting the best of me and I don’t like the person I have been this week.

Emotionally Challenged

My heart tells me its tired. Its tired of struggling. Its tired of being the caretaker. Its tired of having to emotionally charge up. I feel the exhaustion. I feel like I don’t have it left in me to “try” any harder. But somehow, I keep finding the strength. I keep investing. I keep hoping. I keep falling. I don’t know where this strength is coming from. I don’t know why my heart just won’t give up. Somethings just don’t happen and there’s nothing we can do about it. There is nothing we can say to change the fact of the matter. Somethings just aren’t meant to be.

But I’m tired.  My heart and mind are tired. And although the exhaustion is  taking over my heart, mind and soul; I don’t know why I remain hopeful. I want someone to come. I want him to lift me off my feet and blow me away. I want him to be the storm I have so longed for. I want him to put his hands on my shoulder and tell me he’s here and that he’s not going anywhere. I want him to look me in the eye and just give me reassurance that I don’t need to struggle anymore; that he’ll take care of me. And then I want to release a sigh of relief. I want to let those tears flow from my eyes and let him wipe them away for good.

Me and my heart don’t know how long more we can take it. We don’t know how long more we can hang in there and hope and pray that “he’ll” come.

Seems like he’s here, though. But he’s not.

We  want to believe this one is the “one”. But he won’t let us.

We want to get lost in his smile, in his eyes and melt in his arms. But he pulls slightly away.

We love him, my heart and me. We’re falling for him a little more every day. We’re missing him when he’s gone and he’s the first and last thought of the day.

He won’t admit it. He won’t give in. He won’t verbally express it either. And I don’t know how to tell him how much I need to hear it. He seems to be the one but I don’t know how to let him in. I say I want all of those things written above but I don’t know how to let him do those things for me. No one has done them for me in the past. I was always the strength in my relationships, how do I give over that strength to someone else?  I was always the decision maker and responsible one; how do I hand over that responsibility? I was always  the one that gave and gave and gave; how do I become the taker now? As morally wrong as this is to say, I’ve always been the man in all my relationships; how do I become a girl now?