No matter how many hours I sleep, I constantly feel tired. That’s been the norm lately post-surgery. I haven’t felt like writing, reading, talking or doing anything else for that matter. Even at work, my mind hasn’t been able to focus. My mind continues to wander towards the two recent deaths that have happened; my colleague and our family dog. I’m still in shock by both and don’t know how to deal with the loss.
Yes, life goes on and days will pass. But when your heart and mind is stuck on a person or thing that is no longer alive, it is nearly impossible to know when the day came and went.
As I was growing up I saw both my grandparents passing away. Sure, I was sad and had a lot of empathy for my mother. But I did not cry at their funerals and it did not affect me as much. Was it because they were old and had lived full lives? Or was it that I wasn’t close to them that it didn’t affect me as much?
Maybe I was much younger when and didn’t understand death and the effect it had on a person if it ever took place? Or maybe after becoming a mom, I am just too sensitive (D constantly reminds me of this when I’m bawling my eyes off during sad commercials and soap-operas).
But I wasn’t close to Trish or Hogan either and both of their deaths have brought me to tears over and over. I simply cannot speak of either of them without wiping back tears. Hogan was old. He lived a full life. But Trish was young. I didn’t know her personally. I wasn’t very close to her. But I knew her for many years.
So why did I cry so much for Trish and Hogan and not for my grandparents? Why do we reach differently to different types of death?
I don’t like dogs. I never did. One tried to bite me when I was 7 years old. I’m scared of how vicious they can be. I’m terribly allergic to them. But today a little dog, I’ve known for the past 14 years has brought me to tears and my heart has shattered.
His name is Hogan. He was given to my brother from a former girlfriend as a birthday present. My brother barely took care of him. But he became one of the kids for my mother. He was and has been her friend, her companion; the only one that has always been there no matter what happened in her life.
Although, I didn’t like him for being a dog, he was a part of our family and he held a place in my heart that is now inevitably empty.
Today we put down our beloved Hogan. It was the only choice we had left. There is no cure for old age and he has become a victim of it. In human years, he is now 78 years old. That’s a long time to live and he’s had a loving family to share those years with.
But now we must say goodbye.
I know I never told you, but I love you and will miss you. You’ll never be forgotten and will live in our hearts as the little child you were, following us around the house and jumping and barking for treats off the dinner table as you always did. I don’t know how mom will survive without you. She was truly your best friend and will miss you the most. Please watch over her and guide her to get through not having you around any more.
Ni, D and I love you dearly and we’ll forever keep you in our hearts. Rest in Peace little angel.