Tag Archives: family

Alone – Random Thoughts

My mind has been playing games with me daily, I have been having extreme highs and even more extreme lows. One day, I appreciate the world, the things around me, the people that haven’t strayed away from me and the things I have. The next day, I feel confused, baffled by my lack of energy and determination to go on, alone, depressed and a general hatred for humanity.

I have put myself in situations that may seem stupid or unnecessary to an onlooker, but deep within the depths of my soul, I know these situations were a long-time coming. I stirred the pot and am now paying the consequences of my interference.

But I have come to realize that when you want a change, when you want betterment, when you realize your self-worth and demand it from the people and things around you, it becomes a journey you have to go through alone.

Yes, there are a few souls I am blessed with who check-up on me from time to time, wanting to make sure I am still here and wanting to know that I haven’t let my darkness overcome my soul. These souls, I am ever so grateful for.

However, I cannot be completely open with any of them. I have found myself hiding bitter details from every one of them, whether it’s one thing or another. The soul that truly knows me is the one I hide my miseries from the most because that soul is burdened by their own situations and wouldn’t be able to carry the weight of mine along with theirs.

So, on the nights when my soul and being is dark, low and disturbed, I find myself feeling extremely low and yearning to let everything out. The weight of these burdens feels overwhelming and exhausting causing me to feel alone.

In this moment, the loneliness I feel is beyond any loneliness I have ever felt.

I am coming to realize and understand (slowly), that this is a journey I need to go through alone. No one can save me from the situations I have caused, except for myself. I just wish that all the energy, love and time I had sacrificed for others was reciprocated right now, because fighting your demons on your own is a lonely and scary scenario to overcome.

But I still stand alone and will stand alone for as long as it takes to overcome this chapter of my life because as the saying goes:

This too, shall pass.”


Happy New Year!

May the new year bring you a fresh start, peace, happiness and love.

May you leave behind misery, depression and everything that has held you back in 2019 from reaching your true potential.


Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you and your family, from me and mine! I hope this Christmas brings you all the love and joy you’ve asked Santa for.

We’re having a quiet one this year. Lots of changes in the works, so decided to keep it quiet while we figure out what the new year is about to bring us. But my little munchkin had an amazing time unwrapping her gifts and seeing the joy on her face reassured me that it’s all worth it in the end.

Stay blessed and cherish your loved ones this holiday season, for the best gifts are the ones that cannot be bought. Xoxo ✨❤️🎄✨


Living Our Best Fake Lives

A couple of days ago I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I have been an active member of Facebook for over nine years. However, over the past couple of weeks, I realized that everything we post on Facebook and other social media platforms is only partially true. We are all living our best fake lives when sharing them on social media websites and apps. We never post pictures of the depression we deal with or the miseries and setbacks we encounter.

Why is that?

Why is it that we must show the world our very best and not things that make us weak or fragile? After all, each and every one of us struggles with something or the other. But why is it that we only capture the good things that happen to us and share those? Why is it okay to suffer in solitude but celebrate in a crowd?

I recently read a quote that said:

We are a sad generation with happy pictures. – author unknown

The quote struck a nerve with me and resulted in me deactivating my Facebook account. I am tired of showing family and a few very close friends only the partial truth of my life. Yes, my Instagram account is still active and I post on it frequently but do you know what the difference between my Facebook and Instagram account is? My Facebook account had all my family from overseas on it and Instagram has a few friends, many acquaintances and tons of strangers on it. On Instagram I am open about my feelings and miseries, I frequently share quotes about things that may be happening in my life at the moment. Quite frankly, on Instagram I don’t care if anyone judges me because they are not family. But on Facebook, I posted the happy family moments, shared my achievements and celebrations. Because somewhere deep down I know that if I shared the miseries or full reality of my life, I would be judged by my family.

How pathetic is that? We wear a mask in front of our family and bare it all for complete strangers. But that is the reality many of us are living.

With all the changes happening in my life right now, I decided I didn’t want to pretend to be a happy person just for the sake of not being judged, so I deactivated my Facebook account. The family that wants to stay in touch with me will do so by other means and if they actually care enough to know what the full reality of my life is they’ll contact me and ask. Simple as that.

I’m done pretending that I’m living my best life, when in reality that isn’t the truth. Everyone has ups and downs in life, some more than others, either way, we all struggle. So, why put on a show pretending that all is perfect and well when the truth is far from that?


Shut-Up and Deal With It

Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn. So many things happen to us on a daily basis. Sometimes they happen right in front of our eyes; where it’s obvious that we’re going through this and sometimes we realize what has happened after the fact.

Lately, I’ve been realizing so many things that have happened in the past while that I have been oblivious to. Light only shedding on them after it’s too late for me to react. It’s probably because psychologically I have been unavailable to everything and everyone around me. I have been putting so much effort into the stuff going through my heart that I haven’t paid much attention to the things that have been right in front of me the whole time.

Now, after realizing what has been happening, I have become upset, irrational at times and even irate at times. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed and face the world. There are times when I want to take my child and run as far away as I can from everyone else. There are times when I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and ask the universe what the fuck it’s doing.

But the older I get, the more I realize that as an adult, as a person, as a mother, you just have to shut the hell up and deal with whatever you’re dealt with. You can’t fight everyone and everything that causes you anxiety or stress. You can’t give up and run away from your miseries. If I was alone, single, not responsible for a mini-me then I’d probably be gone by now. That’s just not reasonable or an option because I do have a little me to look out for and make sure she doesn’t go through the emotional and psychological distress I have gone through for so many years. I have to make sure that she grows up to be a decent human being and gains all the things I wasn’t able to. But along with her, I have to make sure that she has a happy, healthy mother to look up to.

So, right now, I just have to shut up and deal with whatever the universe is throwing at me and make the changes that have to be made in order for both of us to succeed.


Happy Birthday, Shauna!

You are my wild-child, the crazy, nutty, hilarious friend that I am so thankful to have. You keep me in line when I start messing up and always have my back in my time of need. You’ve brighten my days when I was down and felt like shit with all the hilarious, inappropriate comments and memes exchanged between us. But you’ve also been there during my up times and celebrated life with me; which I am so grateful for.

So, today, I want to say happy birthday and thank you for being such an amazing influence in my life. Although, we met in hell, I am so thankful for that “hell” because it brought you into my life. I wish you all the happiness and love the world has to offer and success in everything you do.

Love you to pieces and don’t know what I’d do without you and all the nonsense jokes and arguments between us, jerk pork! 🤣🤣🤣

Happy Birthday, Shaunananananana! 😘

Living A Half-Life

image-3There are certain things in my life that only a very few number of people know about. There are things about me I’ve hidden from the world due to family restrictions and reputation and because culturally people may not understand why I chose to make the decisions I made.

Sometimes, I feel like I am living a lie as if only part of my life is true or real because the other part is so deeply hidden between the creases of my lies. The people that know my truths understand why I wear the masks I’m forced to wear. Yet, inside me, there is a fire that has begun raging for me to take off the masks, to come forth with all my truths and let whoever gets hurt in the process of my unveiling, get hurt.

I am not scared of being accepted, I don’t care who accepts me for who I really am, as the ones that have stood by me through this hidden life are the only ones I need to accept me. Yet, I worry what an unveiling as such would do to those other relationships that aren’t as deep as the ones I cherish, but close enough to make me consider or worry about the consequences of my truths.

I wish we lived in a time when everyone was accepted for who they truly are and what they believe and not judged for it. I wish there was a time when you could openly tell anyone and everyone what was hidden deep within your soul without having to worry about losing them. Although the world has advanced so much, the human race seems to be going backwards. Instead of accepting and loving one another for who we are, we have become overly sensitive, get offended easily and judge one another before even considering the reasons behind the person’s truths or decisions.

For now though, until the world and people’s mentality changes, I’m stuck living this half-life, half-lie of who I really am and it’s unfortunate because, in this moment, the urge I have to be real has never been more.